12 replies to this topic

[Throwawayy]

I love my daddy to pieces. He’s usually really mature and respectful, but whenever I seem to joke around and be silly with him, it almost always goes wrong like it did today. We are long distance. We text and call on Snapchat. I decided it’d be funny to send him a silly snap with a filter that gives me a small mustache and messes up my face. Whenever he saw it though, he sent a throw up emoji and said it was very unattractive. He told me he couldn’t even finish the snap because he almost threw up at seeing me with facial hair. And it hurts since I do grow peach fuzz that I have to shave every now and then over my lip. And I know women out there struggle with hirsutism as well and even I’m a bit hairy. I’m planning on talking to him about it, but am I just overreacting? I know some men out there don’t like body hair on women. I also don’t want him to see me less attractive if I tell him I grow facial hair too...All opinions are welcome!

[DatDaddy]

I've thought about this, and I honestly can't say for certain. At first glance off the top of my head I thought it's overreacting especially if you explained to him that you only meant for it to be a fun, or a silly picture. 

 

However... I thought about it a bit more. This is my opinion based on my own personal experiences. He could get heavily defensive about his sexuality/masculinity when he feels like something is challenging it. IE: Seeing his partner using a male specific trait/filter/self-descriptive word (Like a thick mustache) probably ticks a box for him, and make's him feel like he has to defend his sexuality in turn. I sadly suffer from a similar thing thanks to something that happened in the past so this is just my assumption that he's also the same way. Human's are complex creatures, and there might be a trauma from his past which causes this reaction. You won't know until you talk to him about it though. Sorry. I know this reply doesn't really take a side in the end.

[Throwawayy]

No need to apologize, thank you for much for your input! I agree and I’ll make sure to keep that in mind when I’m talking to him about it.

[Aetherr]

no you are not over reacting, whatever the reasoning that is a pretty strong reaction to a joke i mean even if body hair is a turn off for him, no need to be a dill pickle about it

[Lollipox]

Peach fuzz is normal, and doesn’t need to be shaved unless you personally choose to. It’s nothing to be ashamed and self conscious about. Perfectly fine if you want to shave it because of your personal preference though.

I think he’s overreacting and being kinda mean. Unless he’s also joking around when he says he can’t get through “the snap”. But then why follow it up by making it personal and saying it makes you less attractive?
Idk, he sounds a lil mean.
Body hair removal should be the decision of the person who’s body it is. Not that he’s telling you to shave, I know that’s not the issue.
I hope talking to him about it goes well and that he cares about your feelings.

[Throwawayy]

He said he doesn’t like filters and for me to make myself look unappealing on purpose isn’t funny. He fell asleep shortly afterwards so I guess I should just forget about this. Thank you all for the great advice, I appreciate it!

[Lollipox]

He said he doesn’t like filters and for me to make myself look unappealing on purpose isn’t funny. He fell asleep shortly afterwards so I guess I should just forget about this. Thank you all for the great advice, I appreciate it!

“ so I guess I should just forget about this”
Nah, dude. Just because he fell asleep without taking time to resolve the issue doesn’t mean you’ve gotta forget about it.
That’s a bad way to deal with it. It’ll become a pattern, and after time you’ll be miserable and he’ll be complacent about it. That’s with the assumption that you’re in the habit of “forgetting” when your feelings have been hurt in order to move on and continue with your relationship. I dunno you or him, obviously. So it’s just a forewarning.
Hope everything works out though, and that this is a once off situation.

[GayKitten]

I can only speak as a trans woman (who does, by choice, have facial hair that I let grow out sometimes), buuuuuuut I would treat that as a huge red flag. It's a pretty disproportionate response to something pretty specific you described (woman + facial hair), and blaming it on "filters" generally is a vague wave-away -- like, I don't think that explains the response at all. I mean, do other visual cues make him want to vomit? That seems pretty out of the ordinary.

Personally, I would take this as a sign of someone who would (for instance) get violent if they found out they'd had sex with a trans woman. But that's also because, well, people like me have to be on our guard for signs like that. Take my perspective with a grain of salt.

That said, I also agree with Pox -- this doesn't seem like it's been resolved per se, and I strongly caution that not talking through the "what" and the "why" of his extreme reaction will likely lead to a repeat of this situation in the future. I hope that this is indeed a one-time fluke, but...I don't believe things like this (i.e. really unexpected and disproportionate emotional responses) work that way, unfortunately.

I don't mean to sound like an alarmist, but I do think this is a red flag that ought to be brought up and discussed directly with him, and the sooner the better.

Please keep us posted if there's any more help or support any of us can provide! <3
~Kay

[Bluelight421]

I don't think you are over reacting at all! 

for me, that is a super extreme reaction to a silly snapchat filter. I'd be concerned about his reactions to similar things in the future, what if you decided not to shave for instance? or could not shave your legs etc due to injury or just personal choice.. what would his reaction be like to that? i agree with what Kay & Pox said above, him falling asleep does not in anyway mean you need to forget about it. its obviously upset you, and i would feel upset too.

i would really recommend talking through why he reacted like he did, and for what reason. 

please don't be convinced this is you over reacting. always here if you need anymore help/support 

 

- Blue 

[Peetz]

As you two are building your relationship, it is important to be honest about what upsets you. Otherwise the resentment will grow and fester. He most likely did not mean to hurt you and didn’t realize it. Most women have some form of emotional trauma about their appearance, it is just the world we live in. It is important to be upfront about anything he says or does that triggers your trauma.

If I were you, I would talk to him about this, tell him how it made you feel. Start your sentences with “I feel” or “I felt”. His reaction to this talk is going to be more telling than his reaction to the snap. If he brushes your feelings aside and says you are overreacting, well, I would not pursue a relationship with someone who didn’t take my feelings seriously. If he takes the time to listen and try to understand your feelings, something that is WAY outside of a man’s comfort zone, it shows that he values and respects you.

[Throwawayy]

Thank you all for you advice! <3 He woke up and said “Ok. It’s whatever.” I don’t want us to fight, but now I’m even more upset. I don’t want him to end up leaving me on read...

[Aetherr]

Thank you all for you advice! <3 He woke up and said “Ok. It’s whatever.” I don’t want us to fight, but now I’m even more upset. I don’t want him to end up leaving me on read...

sounds really dismissive and disrespectful but i don't know you guys. gl op

[MysticSand]

No, you're not overreacting. I agree with the above posters, particularly DatDaddy and Lollipox. I think DatDaddy hit upon something that's really important: people can get triggered/defensive without knowing it and project their own insecurities on to others. It may not be what happened here, but it is a good suspicion.

 

My personal opinion is that it's really important we be able to laugh at ourselves from time to time and not take ourselves too seriously. If you were happy and having fun looking through different silly photo filters on yourself, I think it makes sense that you wanted to share this with him. It's not fair that he made you insecure about something that hadn't even entered your mind, and in such a harsh way. It really does sound like something deeper is going on here that have zerio reflections on you. Be aware that this is not something you should take personal and that he may have a lot to work out on his own.

 

My Little and I are also long distance and I get that it can be tough. Don't let your fear of being left on read prevent you from communicating your feeelings with him. I agree with Peetz in regards to this.

Edited by MysticSand, 09 April 2021 - 07:49 AM.