Help needed please

[TransBabygirl]

So I have an online polyamorous caregiver that took me in again after my last one left me. This is someone who I have been involved with on and off again for around 10 years or so. In all of our time together, they have issues with how desperate for time and attention I am. This last time they took me in again when I was pretty low and they had boasted before taking me in again how they could do just as well if not better than my ex-caregiver. Now when I ask for an hour each day, I get told no because none of the others they enjoy get that sort of attention. We also had talked before about eventually getting together in real life, but in my mind saw us being together every day and going to sleep together, even thinking of a bigger bed to accommodate the other lovers they'd have, but even that has been shot down. Excuses of how others would want one on one time or to sleep together alone or just simply needing 'me' time have been used. I don't really know if I am being too needy or what, so figured I'd post here.

[Little kaiya]

My Wife, Daddy and I are in a closed polyamorous triad so the experiences and thoughts im going to share come from that perspective.

 

Each of us are very different people with different needs, desires, experiences and more. We don't compare what one of us gets or does to the others because that's not how individuals work.

 

The fact your caregiver is comparing their partners is honestly super concerning in our eyes. It makes it feel more like your caregiver is setting up a competition or partner collection situation than a living one. Honestly, some days my Wife gets more time together, sometimes my Daddy does, sometimes my Wife and Daddy have time together and sometimes it's all of us together, it depends on each individuals needs that day.

 

You dont sound too needy to us, rather your online caregiver sounds like they may have a perception of polyamory that is more about spending equal time with partners rather than unconditionally loving each partner as an individual.

[Satan]

So it sounds like this caregiver is trying to have balance and you simply want more than they can or are willing to give.

They have stated their boundary and it doesn't seem like they're going to change regardless.

It seems like you need a partner that has more time to give one on one. You coming in and out of this caregivers life doesn't mean they owe you time. Just because you envision getting together with them in real life doesn't mean that something that they want or have planned.

It really sounds like you need to find somebody that's more compatible with the attention and time you are wanting.

[TransBabygirl]

Well I put that out there to sorta explain that my neediness wasn't a surprise for them. They have dealt with it before, so sorta figured with them stepping up again that they knew that and the like. But yeah, you are probably right that will need to find someone who can.

[Guest Teasing Tink]

One hour a day is nothing. They were so boastful but can't even give you an hour? Sheesh. You're definitely not too needy. I think that poly may not be the ideal type of relationship for you unless it's done in a specific way. More splitting of energy. It sounds like you both also have very different values/visions on how to do a poly relationship which just isn't compatible/sustainable. You can't change your own needs/values to fit your partner. I mean, you *can* but it never works and you'll be miserable. I know it's tempting, but don't just settle for someone because you're at a low point. People also usually don't change on their core ways. It's wishful thinking. Believe people's actions, not their words. Edited April 9, 2021 by Teasing Tink

[Punographer]

It's not a matter of "are you too needy". It is a matter of can your care giver meet your needs. A really great point a previous boyfriend of mine stated was that although he is polyamorous, he doesn't have the time to give to so many relationships and at max can only do two. 

 

With the amount of time he is able to give you, it seems like he isn't the right match. Unfortunately some people will try to get you to stay as long as they can before you finally pull the plug. I think he knows he doesn't/want to give you what you're asking for or needing. 

 

Frankly, move on. It's hard going at things alone but it surely is better than feeding the ego of someone who isn't showing you that their actions matches their words.