Protecting your little across the miles.

[NewMommy2lb]

Hello to everyone. I've got a bit of a dilemma which I am hoping to work through.

 

My little one is long distance from me. Both of us are poly; I have been married for years. When my relationship started with my little one, we were simply friends. As time went on it grew more and more supportive and nurturing and at one point he asked if I would consider being his MD. It took a bit of thought since I always had thought myself submissive but with him, it felt right.

 

Because of distance and the fact that I can only offer so much with being married, he has my blessing to date. I try to help so he doesn't feel alone. We talk daily via text and voice multiple times per week. He has a stuffed animal to keep close. But I know this doesn't substitute physical contact. Because of distance/work it's only viable for us to see each other every few months.

 

Our relationship I think would be considered softer. I want to help build him up, love him, support him, and make sure that he's taking care of himself in terms of things like eating, medications etc. I do not think that control is a word that fully fits, if that makes sense.

 

Going back to the blessings for dating though (and this could be applied to other aspects as well I'm sure)...

 

How do you handle when your little one becomes reckless? I sincerely love my lb and it's breaking my heart because the person he is talking to is manipulative and was that way from the start. I know my lb sees this but I know he's lonely too.

 

I cannot bring myself to butt in and be fully controlling but I'm terrified. After he's been around her he has been knocked down and just seems far more fragile. He has, from thr start, admitted that understands what we all have seen (it isn't just me who sees she's awful but about 1/2 dozen in total).

 

I know he does not want to be alone and while he isn't, physically speaking he is.

 

I just know I have to protect him from her and from himself before it's too late.

[Alaskan Daddy]

as a daddy from several long distance DDLG relationships I have found the only way for anyone to help themselves from destructive relationships is to help them understand how destructive things are. I have found there are 2 things you can do. The first thing is not to judge their actions. Judging can create walls.

The other thing is to have them talk about any drama that they encounter and ask them how it made them feel. Ask him if he honestly feel things will change between him and this other person. Ask him if his feelings should matter with this person. Ask him if he feels he is being respected. I feel the most important questions is to ask him what he feels he can or should do to make himself feel better with this person.  All of these questions can help him internalize and allow him to understand with in his heart what he must do to make things better. I feel you know what he needs to to do to keep from being hurt but he needs to feel it and want to do it. Telling him what he should do normally  never works, but if you can help him have the strength and courage to do the things he needs to do will go a long way for him to be more self reliant. I know this is hard from long distance  and I can see you care about him very much. Please reach out to me if you have any questions. I hope I have helped you in any small way. Good luck

[NewMommy2lb]

I know there have been several times when we have talked that he has said things like he knows she probably isn't the one. Early on he told me that he worried she was using him. I have tried to have my response be one of love and support. I have told him I worry for thr red flags.

 

Before I visited him last month he even told me that when I came if I still didn't have a good feeling about her that I could delete all the contact info for her (Facebook, discord etc). This in itself was a huge flag that he knows it's dangerous.

 

 

We talked how he needed to be the one to do that and that I would be there for him. Due to some other things that have come up,, he has affirmations that he's to be saying (he had initially to write it out in lines for me) that I pray daily he will truly take to heart.

 

"I am worthy of true and honest love. I will not be used. I will not allow myself to be manipulated."

 

I honestly feel that to a degree he knows what he needs to do too.

 

I really appreciate your words, and thank you for taking the time to respond.

[BabyPineapple]

Even in a little dynamic, people need to make their own mistakes. Unless you want to be in a TPE relationship then you're bound to have your partner make decisions that you may not agree with or like, including who to date. If they are with this person simply because they're lonely and they are "there" then that stands to a bigger issue for them. Loneliness and feeling apart from your loved one(s) is very difficult, but your lb needs to find healthy ways to navigate that.

 

I think maybe the best (and only) thing you can do is to offer a safe space for him to express his feelings for this person (good and bad) and to help guide him when the negative feelings become too much. This sounds a lot like what you are doing already which is wonderful.

 

I'm sorry that you both are going through this and I can imagine that it would be very worrisome and stressful for the both of you.