The Hard Parts. [a true story.]

[moondust mochi]

this is a real story that happened between my Daddy and myself.

i want to remind anyone reading that relationships are hard,

disagreements happen and mental illness or past trauma isn't an excuse for treating your partners badly.

enjoy! 

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It happened again. 

A miscommunication, a break in the cogs of their well-oiled machine, a bratty episode that went on too long, clearly displaying something lurking underneath. 

It had been a rough day filled with trauma flashbacks, and feeling inadequate. 

I'd been snapping too much, and not listening, and the final crack in the already-fractured pottery of their day? 

Topping from the bottom during a scene simply to prove that I could. 

 

We'd been arguing for the past couple minutes about how everything had gone down -- including how understandably upset it made Her feel that I had flipped the tables for a sort of manipulative reason, even if we had both enjoyed ourselves. 
She could tell I wasn't listening, talking over her and I felt like I wanted to cry even though my words sang of confidence. 
She took it all with stride, that calm demeanor never wavering, which almost makes me angrier in the moment. 
React! My thoughts scream. 
React, and prove my insecurities right! Stop being so damn calm! 
 

"You shouldn't have to figure this out for me. I struggle with this in every relationship I've been in. This isn't your problem." 

Her eyes flare slightly. "No. No, babygirl, you don't do anything alone anymore. We work on things together. Enough." 

 

The tone of Her voice means business, and it makes me pause in my tracks, but I'm too far gone to just stop. I feel the words bubbling up in my throat and before I can stop them, they're out of my mouth. 

"Then fix it on your own. Fuck what I think." 

The silence hangs heavily between us, and I can feel the words processing in Her mind. I've always envied that mind of Hers; so beautifully full of ideas and passion. I can feel my apology climbing up my throat, racing to get out before She punishes me. 

"Kneel." 

I blink. 
I couldn't have heard Her correctly. 
I hesitate slightly, that familiar feeling of blissful compliance spiking my heart beat in the midst of the upset. 

 

"... What?" 

Her gaze in like a flaming phoenix; proud and strong, beautiful despite the tinges of hurt clearly edging Her gaze as She fixes me with those sharp eyes. 

"You're still trying to do this all on your own. We're a team. I'm not letting you pull away from vulnerability when you're scared any longer. My being hurt by something you did, and communicating it clearly is not an excuse to push me away, and decide you can do everything on your own. As your Daddy, I'm no longer going to let you make decisions we both know are harmful to both yourself and our relationship." 

"I know we haven't gone over protocol and positioning, but I trust you know how to kneel since I've seen you do it." 

"I won't repeat myself." 

That dominance snags on my own insecurities and gently undoes them from my clenched fingers, taking the burden away from me with the same calm grace that She's handled this entire disagreement. The fire blazing in my eyes moments before slowly begins to fade as I silently sink to my knees. 

I feel that sigh of relief leave Her lips -- this was as much of a gamble for Her as it was for me -- and Her fingers gently but firmly cup my chin and tilt it upward to meet Her gaze and that myriad of emotions flickering through them. 
 

"This is where you belong, babygirl. This is where you are safe. This is where you're reminded you're mine." 

 

I heave a breathless sigh, a soft sob escaping as my head sinks to the floor at Her feet, clinging to Her as I finally let go. I can tell She's crying too, the soft snags in Her breathing a telltale sigh. I open my mouth to apologize, but She stops me. 

"Oh, my sweet Sparrow. Not all tears are bad. We can't control other people's emotions. Daddy is crying because she has a lot of big feelings like you. Nothing that happened tonight was bad. What happened wasn't wrong. What was wrong were the reasons behind what happened. And we can change those! Refraining those thoughts puts a new coat of paint on our actions, and turns something hurtful into something beautiful and good. Right now, you're taking the first step in that process by obeying Daddy and softening for her." 

Her gaze softens a bit, and She swipes at a tear, chuckling softly as Her thumb runs along my lower lip. 

"My brave, soft, confident, little Sparrow. Daddy's so proud of you." 

Sometimes, the hardest parts are also the most beautiful. 
 

Edited June 23, 2021 by Sparrow

[MadocsCupcake]