Frustrated -just need to rant and see if anyone relates?

[Lylamul]

I've been with my fiancé for 7 years, (1 year engaged, 6 years dating) and he's also my daddy/ dom. I'm more of a little / sub than he is a daddy / dom but he does hold that role in our relationship. He has come a really long way in our relationship, but sometimes I still get so frustrated by the things he does - well doesn't do. He has fairly bad anxiety / depression and a lot of the time doesn't want to go out or do new things, which I understand. But sometimes I feel like he just doesn't care what I want and that he won't go out of his way for me. Sometimes he will, but other times he won't. For example, I've had to stay at another place for the past few weeks (we live together but I needed to do some stuff elsewhrre) and I know he doesn't love to come to this place, so I haven't asked him to come much at all. I asked him to come a few weekends ago, and generally he will say no and not even tell me why, so I was amazed he said yes with no arguing. And of course I was happy because I got to spend time with him. So I asked him a few nights ago, he said no. Then I asked well will you come the next day, and he aaid maybe ( usually maybe means yes), so today I was thinking he was probably coming, so I sit all day and wait. I keep asking him to come, he says no. I asked why, he doesn't respond. I keep saying to him I haven't even gotten to see him for more than 3 hours in the past week and a half ( and were used to seeing eqcjother everyday) and I really want to spend time with him. He just doesn't respond. Another thing that makes me crazy- he doesn't respond to me, usually when I'm asking him for something he doesn't want or I'm arguing, and he ALWAYS claims he didn't see my texts. On occasion, I actually have seen his phone and those texts were unread, but I still always think he's ignoring me. This doesn't happen all the time but sometimes he gets in these funks and I don't know if it's anxiety or w.e but I can't help but get anxious and think it's because he doesn't want to spend time with me or doesn't even think before he acts / says something. And when I try to talk to him about these things he usually just doesn't know how. His communication over the years has gotten better but he still can't really explain himself. Like when I asked him why he wouldn't come, he doesn't respond. I'm just infuriated because when these things happen it makes me feel like I go out of my way constantly to see him and make him happy, and he does sometimes - but not frequently and little things that I don't even really notice. When I'm with him and I'm upset he'll pry until I tell him, but when I'm not, if I harass him and bug him he won't respond until I change the subject to something less confrontational and if I just don't talk to him to try to get him to realize I'm upset he won't even fucking notice ! Or at least he won't try to talk to me about it. This post may just be more for ranting, but does anyone else have any experience with this? I mean this isn't something new, and like I said he has gotten better but sometimes I just want to rip all my hair out. It just makes me upset, I'm sure I'm overreacting sometimes but I haven't even seen him in like 1.5 weeks besides a few hours on Thanksgiving and he isn't making any effort or showing interest in spending anytime with me. I'm the type, I'm a little thay misses him if I'm away for one night. I don't think he understands that I'm not trying to be annoying or needy... it's just how I am. Whereas he's more than fine alone and wants his alone time. I know he loves me more than anything, but he doesn't show love the way I do - and thay makes me think he doesn't care for me as much as he does. I know guys show affection differently and he has his own issues, but my anxiety always tells me it's because he doesn't care for me. Like I have to beg for certain things... thay makes me so mad because my ex, a toxic abusive relationship i was in, I did that. So that does NOT make me feel good, because I know my fiancé is nothing like him, but that fact still is very triggering, and I shouldn't be doing that!!! It's a habit I have from my past relationship... but my fiancé isn't helping me because certain things - thay I think aren't a big deal - he is like a cement wall about !@! Edited November 28, 2021 by Lylamul

[MasterPhotog]

Hello Lylamul, 

 

I'm sorry that your fiancé, Daddy/Dom is behaving the way he is behaving with you. 

Here's my opinion about what's possibly happening, however you or others may have a different opinion. 

 

Just about all of us do what they find important or exciting and stay away from what we don't like or don't find exciting. His inactions or lack of participation in what you do clearly shows that he doesn't find it important or exciting. 

 

About his not responding to your questions also indicates that he doesn't either have a solid reason for his behavior or doesn't want to share it with you. 

 

Finally, considering that he is your fiancé, Daddy/Dom and you his little and sub, he may also be taking you for granted knowing that you're not going anywhere, regardless of his behavior and how much he continues to ignore you. 

 

Considering many red flags in your relationship including serious communication issues on his part, you should try to have some counselling or have serious discussion in order to resolve some of the issues before moving forward. Hope it helps, good luck. 

[DaddyLovesStars]

I had a relationship with a very loving a devoted person that would go in their 'head space' without me involved for several years. After which I proceeded to leave them because it became too much. Their own problems were too much for them to handle and me. Be warned if a person neglects you, doesn't show love, or leaves you out to dry you will only last so long before you go mad with loneliness with them. I remember contemplating leaving...you should never have to spend more than a few nights a month wondering if the person that you're going to marry is there for you. If this is a daily thing it's a huge red flag.

 

Even though a person loves you, them being absent is abuse. Beyond what is healthy...I had a person that would be absent for 8 hours at a time or longer nearly EVERY day. If that is the case here run cause you'll be miserable. I felt I was single after 2 years.

[Vampiress]

I feel like you two have major communication issues and no matter how you explain it there is just no coming to an understanding. I do wonder if some type of couple's therapy would help where someone not involved can help you guys explain things and sort through them so you can hopefully come to a compromise that you are both happy with and so that you both can be more fair to each other. It sounds like you guys love each other, just in different ways and you're not speaking each other's love languages, I think a therapist can help with that!

[Guest Teasing Tink]

Do you feel like this a lot or do you think you're feeling extra triggered because of the time away making the issues and differences in your relationship more apparent?

 

I think it's just hard being in a relationship with someone who has severe anxiety/depression. I don't think that much is personal. Do you know anything about Attachment Theory? Cuz it sounds like he has an avoidant attachment style, while you may have an anxious one. We're often attracted to similar dynamics we had in our family during childhood, because it's familiar to us, even if they don't really make us happy in reality.

 

I don't think you're overreacting at all. He shouldn't just straight up not respond/shut-down when you're upset even if he is scared or feeling emotionally flooded. That would infuriate a lot of people. At the very least, he can learn how to communicate through the feelings, saying he needs time to cool down and think more before picking things back up again. Problems that can be resolved shouldn't just be left unresolved, or it'll build up over time and create resentment. It just sounds like he has a severe fear of confrontation whether it's due to fearing feelings of rejection, accusation or something else (usually from past traumas or never learning how to communicate effectively). I'm not sure he's getting individual therapy or not, but it sounds like he'd benefit from that as well. 

 

You may want to evaluate if you're really prepared to deal with this kind of thing long-term before tying the knot, because often people don't change their colors and it also takes time to heal. Then beyond that, some people are also just naturally more autonomous than others even when they're perfectly healthy. While others prefer more closeness when in a relationship or just in general. However, I don't think it's healthy/normal when it gets to the point of neglect, or codependency on the other end of the spectrum. Relationships, like anything in life, do require effort and energy to stay beautiful and healthy. They don't just maintain themselves. You don't want to wind up feeling resentful in the long run because you feel like you're the only one who's putting in any real energy or effort, or you're not being loved in the way you want to be loved. It could just be a question of compatibility here.

 

I don't think it's a guy thing, because not all men are the same or act this way when it comes to communication and conflict. It's a very individual thing based on personality, past history, mental health, traumas etc.

Edited November 30, 2021 by Teasing Tink