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Poly and DDLG


Guest DeadStarsStillBurn

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Guest DeadStarsStillBurn

Hey so first some content warnings: possibly a controlling boyfriend situation, polyamory, 24/7 TPE stuff, dating apps, and obviously DDLG though if that's a trigger I dunno why you're on this forum but just in case head's up!

 

So I met a really cute, really cool person through a dating app. They are down with polyamory, never have done DDLG before but were *very* into it once they learned about it, and find me super attractive say that they are head over heels for me. The catch is, they have a boyfriend who is pretty traditional/conservative despite literally being on a polyamory dating app (Feeld) as a joint profile with her. So at first we hit it off, but then I start getting message from her saying that her boyfriend is having cold feet about her moving forward with someone who is AMAB, then she outright says he's basically trying to ask for a One Penis Policy, i.e. she should only date other AFAB people. She first says that is bullshit and she and the boyfriend are fighting about it and nearly broke up over it, but then says good news, he came around on it and was willing to let her pursue things more with me and be chill.

Now mind you, all throughout this process I've been like "Hey, I'm down to meet your boyfriend either with both of you present or one-on-one to get to know him better, let him know I'm not trying to swoop you from him, reassure him I'm a chill person just looking to be good to you and respectful of the dynamic the two of you have" etc. etc. I'm a decent person, not trying to hurt anybody. This has been communicated to him, along with my phone # and email, but homeboy has never written to me or made any indication that he's interested in talking, which I take as a very bad read on him.

 

So the gal and I were talking and getting really flirty, lots of banter back and forth, she's getting *very* into the D/s dynamic and we are trying to plan a time to hangout and enjoy one another's company in a safe and responsible manner. In the midst of this, she mentions something she wants to purchase that was a small item and I offer to get it for her and she accepts. Turns out this sets the boyfriend off something fierce and he basically starts saying how "hurt" he is at "how quickly" we have developed feelings for one another and "how serious" our relationship is getting, and she says she is going to pump the brakes and slow things down a lot because she didn't realize "how much this has really hurt him."

 

I'm of the opinion that this guy is being shitty and controlling and not allowing this person to fully express and live her polyamory. I see cishet men do this to poly women/genderqueer AFABs all the fucking time and it offends and upsets me. I don't know how to share this with her pointedly without sounding like I am self-interestedly negging on her boyfriend, but it seems like a very toxic mess.

 

Part of me wants to just say "Well, you're worth more than this baby, so walk the fuck away from this girl" but part of me is like "But outside of this mess, she is like...spot-on exactly what you're looking for." She is attractive, funny, intelligent, cultured, sweet as hell, *very* dirty minded, and has an identical kink profile for DDLG and muuuuuuuuuuch more. So part of me is like "Man, you've got to meet people where they are at and be patient."

 

So I'm writing to you Daddies and Littles out there.....what are your thoughts? Have you seen this kind of controlling boyfriend bullshit in a poly DDLG context before? Does it ever end well? Should I walk away? Is it worth waiting?

 

Thanks!

Edited by DeadStarsStillBurn
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Sounds to me like he doesn't want a poly relationship at all and instead of talking about it honestly he's just floundering. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants? It's hard to say since I don't know what's going on beyond what you can tell. He does sound controlling, but he might be just panicking. No matter what he does sound like he doesn't want a poly relationship, or at least if he does he wants another woman only.

 

I'd walk away if it were me, because it sounds like the dude needs to figure shit out and that's not my responsibility.

Edited by TwistedColors
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There is also the possibility that the girl is polyamorous and is just saying her boyfriend is as well. You've never actually heard the boyfriend's actual position, just what she has told you he said which is second hand information.

 

Either way it doesn't sound like either one of them are ready for a polyamorous relationship and that they both need to figure out their current relationship first.

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Guest DeadStarsStillBurn

Thanks for the feedback so far. I don't suspect she's lying outright, but I suppose it's possible she is reading him optimistically.

 

I will guard my heart and see what the fullness of time reveals. But I think I will not let my hopes be very high, though she tells me again and again she loves me and wants to be with me. It is just that I do badly want to hear those words of adoration and admiration from a Little, and here one is so close I can almost feel her, but there is this rift introduced between us. I hope as more people open their hearts to Polyamory, these kinds of problems will rear up less and less. Siiiigh.

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There are also a lot of people who confuse polyamorous relationships and open relationships and they really aren't the same thing at all.

 

Even within polyamory there are a lot of people who have misconceptions that all polyamorous relationships look the same when they can be VERY VERY different.

 

My Wife and I have married 15 years and my Boyfriend/Daddy has been with us over 4 years. We have a closed triad where we all basically live together, vacation together and both my Wife and Boyfriend fully interact with my family and vice versa. That said, a lit of people ask why we don't have more partners and I have to continually explain what a closed triad means.

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Oh love, this is so painful. I have more than one trans friend (mostly m to f) and I hear this paradox often. Dude says he’s open… until he realizes he’s not and doesn’t have the nerve to say, “I’m sorry, I’m not ready for this. I need some time.” That would be honest and kind. Most of them seem to be honest and unkind.

 

I hear you that she sounds perfect. And it’s probably hard to imagine anyone else being as perfect for you. But that’s how our emotions lie to us.

 

Are you a journaler? If so, and even if not (lol!) I would challenge you to write some things out. Start with your believed thought. Maybe something like “I believe this woman is the only perfect partner for me” or “I believe this man will change his mind and become completely supportive.” Then answer the next question with a YES or NO (no IDK’s allowed) “Is this true?” If the answer is “yes” the next question is “What evidence do I have that this is true?” or “Am I positive?” Then continue with your decision making.

 

If the answer is “no” proceed with your decision making. This helps you tap it to your gut w/o your fickle feelings getting in the way.

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There are also a lot of people who confuse polyamorous relationships and open relationships and they really aren't the same thing at all.

Even within polyamory there are a lot of people who have misconceptions that all polyamorous relationships look the same when they can be VERY VERY different.

My Wife and I have married 15 years and my Boyfriend/Daddy has been with us over 4 years. We have a closed triad where we all basically live together, vacation together and both my Wife and Boyfriend fully interact with my family and vice versa. That said, a lit of people ask why we don't have more partners and I have to continually explain what a closed triad means.

I completely agree! I am a solo polyam person. Some of my partners have been “true” polyam persons (ie. recognizing and honoring an individual’s right to pursue desired relationships) and some have been in “open relationships” (ie. My partner can be involved with other people but I don’t want to know anything about it.) In my personal experience, as a very open and loving person, “open relationships” dont work for me. It feels disingenuous. If a person can’t handle knowing about their partner’s other partners, they aren’t in the polyam camp, IMO.

 

It very well could be that she has polyam views and he has open relationship views.

 

If I were in your shoes and didn’t have the emotions to consider and deal with, I would tell chick that I am going to step back while you and your boyfriend work out relationship issues. That I will be thinking of her often and wishing her well, but this this what I need to do to honor the safety of my emotions. If something changes LMK but for now I think it’s best if I step back and give you both space to figure out what kind of relationships you can accept going forward.”

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Guest DeadStarsStillBurn
Thanks for your kind, if difficult to hear, words. I did think it's true that this person loves me and wants to be with me. But I've told them I need for their partner to be genuinely on board. Siiiigh.
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