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Double Standards...


ChrisM9128
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Hello folks. 

I've been coming across a lot of posts and talks where I've seen a lot of double standards come into play and how the other party often is left with no voice. It's been something that's bothering me a lot seeing as it's found it's way into this dynamic we all love and adore. 

 

I'd like to start off talking about one I often see the most and would appreciate if you can share some from your own experience and ideally we can find a way to deal with this. 

 

 

Party A starts asking for attention, more time, more conversations 2 days into the conversation. 
Party B does their best to do so.
Party B asks for the same from Party A.

Party A calles party B out in public for being not understanding, clingy, saying that Party A has a life and shouldn't be asked to give more time to others. 

 

PartyA - I hate one word responses

PartyB - God, me too! they're the worst, right? Glad you think the same as I do. 

PartyA - yup. 

 

 

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Oh yeah, hear it all the time. People read, hear see precisely what they want a lot of the time and ignore the other person. It's called being selfish...

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Oh yeah, hear it all the time. People read, hear see precisely what they want a lot of the time and ignore the other person. It's called being selfish...

True dat. I'm not a fan of calling people out however, What do you think is something that should be done?

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it really is just a lack of self awareness, its kinda funny most of the time

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I think a lot also comes down to good communication skills and setting healthy boundaries.

While I am also a person who requires a lot of attention and can get quite needy...I also know that even if someone loves me to the moon & back a million times they are still their own person, with their own thoughts, their own life, their own things to be done, despite their love for me. Even if they want to talk/text me all the time, it's not possible. Even if I want to talk/text to someone all the time...again. Not possible. I have certain friends that I absolutely do not message or try to call at certain times, because this is a boundary we have set or that I have been told about ("Please don't call after midnight unless it's an emergency."). I know of a friend who has a boundary with his little, she is not allowed to say/shout certain words ("emergency!", "HELP 911!") just because she wants attention/is bored, etc. They are only to be used in actual emergencies. These things became boundaries for a reason, and it helps them to communicate and helps their relationship to grow.

It's completely reasonable to let someone know that during certain days/hours you will not be able to reply, or if you are able to reply it might be a bit lacking or it might be hours between responses, etc. There are days where I do a lot of one word responses to my daddy because I am having a rough day or am going nonverbal, and he either asks me if I am having a quiet day (if I don't realize) or I have learned to take notice when I feel that way and let him know, "Daddy it's a quiet day today" and he knows that I might text very little, or not have a lot to say when he gets home, and knows that if he calls I might be nonverbal or unable to speak a lot. That is okay! It's also okay for the complete opposite and you have a chatty day.

Being able to sit down and talk to someone about it is incredibly important, and I think if you already realize it's becoming an issue with someone/certain someones, then perhaps a small discussion might be helpful. Once we learn better, we can do better. Sometimes people honestly don't realize the impact (or don't care), or they simply haven't learned healthier communication styles. :]

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I think a lot also comes down to good communication skills and setting healthy boundaries.

 

While I am also a person who requires a lot of attention and can get quite needy...I also know that even if someone loves me to the moon & back a million times they are still their own person, with their own thoughts, their own life, their own things to be done, despite their love for me. Even if they want to talk/text me all the time, it's not possible. Even if I want to talk/text to someone all the time...again. Not possible. I have certain friends that I absolutely do not message or try to call at certain times, because this is a boundary we have set or that I have been told about ("Please don't call after midnight unless it's an emergency."). I know of a friend who has a boundary with his little, she is not allowed to say/shout certain words ("emergency!", "HELP 911!") just because she wants attention/is bored, etc. They are only to be used in actual emergencies. These things became boundaries for a reason, and it helps them to communicate and helps their relationship to grow.

 

It's completely reasonable to let someone know that during certain days/hours you will not be able to reply, or if you are able to reply it might be a bit lacking or it might be hours between responses, etc. There are days where I do a lot of one word responses to my daddy because I am having a rough day or am going nonverbal, and he either asks me if I am having a quiet day (if I don't realize) or I have learned to take notice when I feel that way and let him know, "Daddy it's a quiet day today" and he knows that I might text very little, or not have a lot to say when he gets home, and knows that if he calls I might be nonverbal or unable to speak a lot. That is okay! It's also okay for the complete opposite and you have a chatty day.

 

Being able to sit down and talk to someone about it is incredibly important, and I think if you already realize it's becoming an issue with someone/certain someones, then perhaps a small discussion might be helpful. Once we learn better, we can do better. Sometimes people honestly don't realize the impact (or don't care), or they simply haven't learned healthier communication styles. :]

 

 

Hello there MsWiggles. 

Thank you for your thorough message. It's beautiful and well thought out. 

 

I absolutely agree that it's essential to have clarity and transparency in communication and be aware of each other's state of mind, good and bad days, limits, boundaries. Everyone acts differently when it comes to different situations for sure. 

 

However, if for example  a person doesn't like one word replies and cold responses, but that's what they do when they're communicating with someone without any specific reasons. That ain't justifiable. There's plenty examples of similar scenarios where people state what they don't like but do nothing at all to understand that there are others who share the same dislike for the same "Pet-Peeves/DealBreakers". Instead they don't really care about others. 

 

Those are the double standards that I'm referring to that I have been noticing way too often. 

 

It is honestly a breath of fresh air to see someone like you and your daddy who have impeccable communication. It's very respectful and quite frankly, something I would encourage other people to see and learn from. But again, there are people who don't really care. And it's the ones that don't care that I am speaking about. 

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Ehhhh I'm usually the clingy one if I really like someone (rare?). But I will absolutely go to the nines obsession mode instead of saying I need my space. Which doesn't answer your question though. Personally, I have had to curtail my behavior expectations of others because I can be manipulative if I don't keep myself in check. To do that, I tell myself that they have had X friend/responsibility longer than me in their lives and therefore I am the newcomer and I am the one that comes AFTER that friend/ responsibility. If it's a new person, I have to remind myself that self- exploration and experiences is good and they need that to become the best version of themselves. And because I care about them, they deserve to explore and experience and become the best version of themselves. Right? Right. And I just beat myself with those mantras for awhile. I'll also ask if they can dedicate some time for us together later so I don't let the jealousy monster come out.

 

I would note that Party A is throwing out red flags in the first situation, especially the "calls Party B out IN PUBLIC" part. The only thing in this scenario to be done is for Party B to give Party A space - a lot of space, space to the point that Party B is never seen again by Party A. Run Party B, run! "A" needs some serious self-reflection and interventions.

 

 

For the second scenario, I'm somewhat in agreement with Aetherr. I'm prone to bodies of text so if I'm not giving that, it's probably because I don't like them or hope they can take a hint that I want the convo to end without being rude. I have a personal rule to not respond to someone if they give a one word response. It's a useful rule. =)

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Posted (edited)

Ehhhh I'm usually the clingy one if I really like someone (rare?). But I will absolutely go to the nines obsession mode instead of saying I need my space. Which doesn't answer your question though. Personally, I have had to curtail my behavior expectations of others because I can be manipulative if I don't keep myself in check. To do that, I tell myself that they have had X friend/responsibility longer than me in their lives and therefore I am the newcomer and I am the one that comes AFTER that friend/ responsibility. If it's a new person, I have to remind myself that self- exploration and experiences is good and they need that to become the best version of themselves. And because I care about them, they deserve to explore and experience and become the best version of themselves. Right? Right. And I just beat myself with those mantras for awhile. I'll also ask if they can dedicate some time for us together later so I don't let the jealousy monster come out.

I would note that Party A is throwing out red flags in the first situation, especially the "calls Party B out IN PUBLIC" part. The only thing in this scenario to be done is for Party B to give Party A space - a lot of space, space to the point that Party B is never seen again by Party A. Run Party B, run! "A" needs some serious self-reflection and interventions.

For the second scenario, I'm somewhat in agreement with Aetherr. I'm prone to bodies of text so if I'm not giving that, it's probably because I don't like them or hope they can take a hint that I want the convo to end without being rude. I have a personal rule to not respond to someone if they give a one word response. It's a useful rule. =)

Thank you very much for sharing and one thing to learn from you is being able to be mindful. And self awareness! I respect you for that! ☺☺☺

 

As you mentioned, you're someone who tries to understand the other person and respect them and their boundaries. I believe that communicating by letting the other person know things like. Hey, here's how I am and can be, here's how I think and feel, here's what I need and look for, etc is a good habit everyone should bring to their dynamics.

 

 

" I have to remind myself that self- exploration and experiences is good and they need that to become the best version of themselves. And because I care about them, they deserve to explore and experience and become the best version of themselves"

 

Words of wisdom right there.

Work on oneself to make oneself better tomorrow than yesterday.

 

But anyways, I believe that very few people "Genuinely" walk the walk when they say "treat everyone like you want to be treated". And as unfortunate as it is, many just want to be treated the way they want to be treated out of a sense of baseless entitlement without working for it.

 

Coming back to your first scenario.

 

"Run Party B" couldn't have said it any better myself!!!

 

And as you said, that's indeed a very useful rule!!!

 

Thank you once again for your time and for sharing

We need more people like you

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Hello, I'm fairly new to this forum, so maybe take what I say with a grain of salt.

 

Communication is crucial for any relationship/friendship.  If the past few years hasn't taught you that, shame on you, not the world. 

 

I have reached out to a few people hoping to connect (and that was difficult in and of itself, just because I'm Little).  I comprehend people have lives and even though a person wants to talk to others to have a friend, another person may not check the forum regularly.  Life happens and you have to accept sometimes things are out of one's control.

 

I have read a lot of the forums and profiles, only to find people aren't members (validating) or have empty profiles or have never posted. So there are 'ghosts' on here.  Or disreputable users.  {{{(SQUIRREL!)}}}}

 

In response to ChrisM9128,  if Party A has clearly stated particular pet peeves on their page, it's the responsibility of the other party to read their info and do their best to abide by/respect what they lay out.  If you can't remember and are reminded, that should take care of it.  But if that pet peeve is something Party A is consistently doing, shame on them.  And I'm sorry y'all, but y'all can't fix stupid.  Some people are just selfish and inconsiderate.  Plain and simple.

 

Having said that, communication is not subjective.  It is participatory.  It requires words and sentences.  If Party A is calling someone out, for crying out loud, do it PRIVATELY.  That's just immature and rude, and it shows worse on Party A.  Doing it publicly also warns people to give Party A, a very wide berth! (Bonus, perhaps, for the rest of the community).

 

As for one-word responses, I concur with MsWiggles.  Boundaries and knowing the other party's availability is key.  Establishing precedence and knowing what each person can contribute at any given time is key.  Being able to say "it's a quiet day" must be so freeing for you, MsWiggles.

 

In regards to ChrisM9128 and finding a way to deal with it.  Hmmm.  Aside from remedial lessons which I can't see being fortuitous in this Forum, I can't see expecting change.  An outside third-party happening to read a particular post, could/might possibly take it upon themselves to type, "hey, that's not nice communication" and leave it at that.  (But didn't I read something when I first joined, about how to report a user to an administrator?  This pet-peeve offense shouldn't escalate to that measure, I shouldn't think.)  And lastly, if one of either Party A or B is a Dom, shouldn't they be the one to help instruct/educate in this scenario?  That might be difficult if the offender is a Dom; the Little might not have the courage to say anything contrary. {{{Squirreled again!}}}  I will tell you this, and I think y'all could agree: if this were happening to me, I'd stop talking to the offender. If I clearly identify something, and it's been discussed, don't do it.  Or I'll put my boots on.

 

As I said, I'm new here.  I haven't figured out how to copy/paste your comments to reply, so I addressed by name.

 

Y'all, seriously, be kind. It takes absolutely nothing to be kind and courteous.

 

Little Harlee

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We live in a society that prioritizes companionship over building a stable and equal relationship capable of longevity. If that's how they treat you then you're better off without her el rey <3

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Hello there MsWiggles. 

Thank you for your thorough message. It's beautiful and well thought out. 

 

I absolutely agree that it's essential to have clarity and transparency in communication and be aware of each other's state of mind, good and bad days, limits, boundaries. Everyone acts differently when it comes to different situations for sure. 

 

However, if for example  a person doesn't like one word replies and cold responses, but that's what they do when they're communicating with someone without any specific reasons. That ain't justifiable. There's plenty examples of similar scenarios where people state what they don't like but do nothing at all to understand that there are others who share the same dislike for the same "Pet-Peeves/DealBreakers". Instead they don't really care about others. 

 

Those are the double standards that I'm referring to that I have been noticing way too often. 

 

It is honestly a breath of fresh air to see someone like you and your daddy who have impeccable communication. It's very respectful and quite frankly, something I would encourage other people to see and learn from. But again, there are people who don't really care. And it's the ones that don't care that I am speaking about. 

 

I am perhaps being a bit harsh in my response here, but I honestly think that if someone can't give me the time of the day or even make a small effort to make adjustments when issues are pointed out, they likely aren't someone I want to continue speaking/being a friend/seeking a partnership with at that point in time. For me I see that as respect & boundaries, if someone expects the moon & stars from my but only gives me some gravel in return it will only cause issues of resentment later & isn't worth pursuing at that time. Sometimes we just have such vastly different communication styles or honestly just don't mesh well with someone and we just have to cut our losses.

 

I do definitely understand that when it's happening a lot though from many people it gets really frustrating, and I am sorry that happens to you when you are trying to get to know someone. It must be incredibly discouraging and frustrating and also disheartening. I do hope you can find those who will respect you and your time more, and be willing to put in the effort you deserve.

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I am perhaps being a bit harsh in my response here, but I honestly think that if someone can't give me the time of the day or even make a small effort to make adjustments when issues are pointed out, they likely aren't someone I want to continue speaking/being a friend/seeking a partnership with at that point in time. For me I see that as respect & boundaries, if someone expects the moon & stars from my but only gives me some gravel in return it will only cause issues of resentment later & isn't worth pursuing at that time. Sometimes we just have such vastly different communication styles or honestly just don't mesh well with someone and we just have to cut our losses.

 

I do definitely understand that when it's happening a lot though from many people it gets really frustrating, and I am sorry that happens to you when you are trying to get to know someone. It must be incredibly discouraging and frustrating and also disheartening. I do hope you can find those who will respect you and your time more, and be willing to put in the effort you deserve.

 

 

I honestly don't think you're being harsh at all. 

If anything I think that Efforts and interest go hand in hand. And I for one don't stay where there's no efforts to be seen. 

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