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what ta doooo!!!


DaddiesLilSpooper
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So i have a boyfriend and ive talked to him about my interest in the ddlg lifestyle. obviously i did (and still do) my own research on it and it suits me very well. its become a part of my life and i enjoy it very much. i also  feel like it helps me cope with life and is therapeutic. At first i was a little on my own and had to be my own cg, so to speak so when i told him about it it was with a year or so worth of self emersion under my belt. he flat out said no and listed the usual yucky stuff we know not to be true. i respected his boundaries and didnt push it. i was willing to just do my own thing even though it kinda sucks to do this alone. lately though he has been KIND of into it, but only on HIS terms. hes ok w being called daddy but thats pretty much it, which isnt what id call part of ddlg and hes VERY inconsistent. one minute hell be into it the next he wont. above ALL else, he refuses to do ANY research on ddlg siting that it wouldnt be true to him. im the kind of person who believes researching a topic is important to  learning ANYTHING.  im at a loss as to what to do. like i said, im ok with him not being interested and i respect his boundaries, but i feel like  hes yoyoing and i cant keep up with his decision in the moment. if hes not into it, fine, but he needs to be consistent and honest as well as communicate with me. i could really use some advice.  its kind of feeling a bit lonely and im wondering if i should broach the idea of getting a caretaker?

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As someone who has dealt with this in the past, my biggest suggestion is to first do some thinking on your part.

Like:

1. Is ddlg something you can absolutely live without, or live with it being closed off / almost secret from your partner?

 

2. Is your partner someone you ideally want to be with for forever?

 

And I’m not saying you even have to choose, but sometimes really thinking about things like that can help us gain perspective and figure out our next moves.

 

With my ex, I was with him 4.5 years. We had a LOT of other issues, but this was one of them. When we first got together I opened up about my interest and involvement in ddlg as a kind of “take it or leave it” kind of deal, of course with a thorough written explanation of what ddlg is and what it means to me/why I enjoy it.

 

When I did this he told me he accepted it and was interested in it, and wanted to be involved with me in this way.

Then a few months into living together her decide he wasn’t into it and that it’s “gross” and a bunch of icky opinions that are furthest from the truth. It hurt and I decided to keep it to myself. I quit engaging in it around him, and he’d come back saying he missed me calling him Daddy, and being little.

 

Happily to have the ability to express myself again, I would again open myself up to him. Only for a rinse and repeat. This cycle did not stop until I gave up on allowing myself to experience little space.

 

I have since left this partner, and I am now in a really wonderful relationship with my current partner. From the get go I have not even had to explain ddlg or why I’m into it. He already knew what being a Daddy was, what a little was, how to be involved with me in this way. And he has never shamed me for it. Yet due to my previous experience, I still struggle with confidence in myself about this, as well as struggling with even being able to get into headspace.

 

That is why I recommend really thinking about what both things mean to you.

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above ALL else, he refuses to do ANY research on ddlg siting that it wouldnt be true to him. 

I want to know what he means by "it wouldnt be true to him." What exactly does that mean to him?

It's one thing to say "x isn't for me" but as your romantic/life partner, I think anything that you have an interest in should automatically be something that would warrant something closer to "x isn't for me but because it's something LilAlienBrat is in to, I should at least know the basics out of respect and care for them."

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 im the kind of person who believes researching a topic is important to  learning ANYTHING.

This. Research is super important for anything and everything! It makes me nervous when someone closes a door to learning more about something, especially something they (think they) don't like. Why does he have an opinion on something he doesn't know what it is? It makes me even more nervous that your boyfriend said all the icky things he associates with DDLG but then when you ask him to learn more and actually look in to what DDLG is, he's like "nah." So he's basing his opinions on..... what exactly? What he thinks DDLG is? What he's come across on the internets? If he doesn't want to do the research, he should at the least let you explain what DDLG is to you. This might actually be more important than him doing his own research, because the DDLG dynamic is different for everyone.

I agree that him being okay being called "daddy" one minute and then not the next, is grounds for some good psychological torment. As an observation, I don't think that he associates being called "daddy" with DDLG - that might just be a separate kink or preference of his. 

It's great that you know your needs and preferences, so I would say yes absolutely look in to a CG! However, this needs to be a discussion first with your boyfriend as there is a very deep bond that happens with a CG. He needs to understand that "little" and "daddy" and "CG" aren't just fun labels and titles to be tossed around; it's deep commitment and something that can be seen as "emotional cheating" if he's not aware of how much trust goes into a CGL relationship.

I also very much agree with Doe above. Think first about your own needs and lifestyle desires for the future. Some people can make having a vanilla life partner and separate CG/daddy work, but I think they may be few and far in between.

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Posted (edited)
19 hours ago, MysticSand said:

I want to know what he means by "it wouldnt be true to him." What exactly does that mean to him?

 

essentially what he is saying is that he doesnt believe in having to do research because using outside sources like the internet is inherently inaccurate. that the internet doesnt give good information or that its not a reliable source. hed rather wing it and do his own thing. honestly its his way of not admitting that hes lazy and would rather that if im into something that i should do the work, which i have been. its his go to excuse. i use the internet for researching my interests because thats what its good for, right? i dont know of any ddlg BOOKS after all. lol! this makes me wonder how he got HIS info on things he knows....another thing he likes to say is that hes an anarchist and that he can do whatever he wants....🙄

Edited by LilAlienBrat
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7 hours ago, LilAlienBrat said:

its his go to excuse.

I'm glad you used the word "excuse" here because that's exactly what it is. I unno.... to me it sounds like he's dismissing your suggestions and requests and aren't compromising or willing to learn anything at all. Is he okay with you telling him what DDLG is and what your needs within that context are? Or would he just be like "you got this from the internets, and the internets is lies!" 

7 hours ago, LilAlienBrat said:

another thing he likes to say is that hes an anarchist and that he can do whatever he wants....🙄

lol your emote at this sums up my reaction exactly. I feel like lazy people who need things simplified have black and white answers for everything. I'm 100% sure his answer would shift if there was another topic/question asked. "Oh you're an anarchist, you should try living/visiting a country where laws are de jure. You could really live out your anarchist lifestyle there." And then suddenly there's another convenient answer as to why he wouldn't be able to do that, but is still "an anarchist."

I don't want to judge or give advice because you're the expert on your life and your relationship, so I'm just gonna say in the limited context I've been given in this short thread, I am not a fan of your bf for his (lack of) reasonings for not at least be willing to hear you out on your needs. It's literally you saying "hey I need x, would you want to research it to see if you'd be ble to provide me x?" and him throwing red herrings around to mask his own insecurity (IMO) or "laziness" to not take your needs into consideration. Like really? 😕

Anyway, I've veered. Yes, I think you should look into a CG, but first discuss with the bf.

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Give what you said about your boyfriend not wanting to research, giving excuses, wanting to just wing it, and yo-yoing this dynamic.... I feel uneasy about him. Is he like this with other things in your relationship? I just have little to no patience with people who say one thing and then do another. My ex chose to "do whatever he wants" and hell to anyone that he hurts because he is not responsible for the feelings of others. (Yeah, I'm projecting here. oopsie) This just doesn't sound right at all. I second what others above me have said about talking this out with him so that both of you are on the same page here. No more confusion on who stands where and what is expected of each other. Weigh your feelings on how important Ddlg is to you. Your self-care and needs do matter. Wanting clarity or consistency isn't asking too much. I hope you are able to have that conversation with him.

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I agree with many of the posts above except the being "almost secrete" part. You already told him so I don' think secrets would be conducive to anything positive. I'm happy that you respect his boundaries but his pattern of yoyoing and doing things on his terms troubles me. It sounds very frustrating and controlling or manipulative. He has no interest but then kinda does? I feel like he has done some research and is toying with you about it. Of course, I don't know him or your relationship so this is merely speculation. Do evaluate what your partner means to you and what this aspect of your means to you as well. Much as Adrielisilien brought up, I'm curious on if he is like this in other aspects of your relationship. It's expected that there may be tastes, likes, or interests that you and your partner both may not like or see eye to eye on. His handling and failure to try to understand is something I don't agree with either.  I do believe you both need to sit down and discuss, evaluate, outline, and set boundaries for your relationship. Express any issues and concerns you have and what things mean to you. I hope he's open minded and takes what you say to heart. Every relationship, no matter the dynamic, is best when composed of communication, trust, and a mutual understanding or willingness to understand each other for our differences as well as our similar interests. I wish you the best.

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Thank you so much for for your advice everyone! its been really weighing on me and i really appreciate your perspectives and thoughts. this is really helping me make a decisions that might be hard, but, for my well being, need to be made. to clarify, i did tell him what ddlg ment to me as that was what HE asked me when i broached the subject....2 months ago( this was after i said something the first time, which  was last year)? i try not to push things with him as he gets mega defensive if i do, so, i part and parcel sensitive conversations with him as a rule. 

17 hours ago, andrielisilien said:

Give what you said about your boyfriend not wanting to research, giving excuses, wanting to just wing it, and yo-yoing this dynamic.... I feel uneasy about him. Is he like this with other things in your relationship? I just have little to no patience with people who say one thing and then do another. My ex chose to "do whatever he wants" and hell to anyone that he hurts because he is not responsible for the feelings of others. (Yeah, I'm projecting here. oopsie) This just doesn't sound right at all. I second what others above me have said about talking this out with him so that both of you are on the same page here. No more confusion on who stands where and what is expected of each other. Weigh your feelings on how important Ddlg is to you. Your self-care and needs do matter. Wanting clarity or consistency isn't asking too much. I hope you are able to have that conversation with him.

this sounds accurate to what im going through. to be fair, my bf is a DIAGNOSED narcissist. so im pretty much on egg shells w him, and i dont know if thats your experience. im absolutely going to have this conversation with him and im well aware theres going to be a blow out, but like you all said. this needs to happen. im not certain this relationship will last, but i will broach the subject of a cg. it is quite clear that he is not capable of a bdsm lifestyle, let alone a ddlg one. so....again, thank you guys for helping me out. i really apreciate this and......ill give updates!😳

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So i talked to him and at first it didnt go well at all. He got defensive and he tried to push the idea that i started it. And that i wanted to dump him. Not the case. I asked him about a cg and he assumed i wanted to cheat on him, not true! But we somehow were able to calm down and have an ACTUAL conversation about what we needed from each other (not just ddlg) and we were able to communicate our needs and limits. He said hed be more open to ddlg research (big win) and we talked about what it ment for me and what it entails (limits, hard no's rules etc), and he said hed try it. Im not saying things are perfect and we still have a long way to go, but im feeling optimistic! Our biggest issue that i guess we need to work on is communication and being more sensitive to each others needs. Lets see!

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