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Thoughts/Tips on Starting a DDLG relationship and Revealing yourself in a non-kink relationship


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Hi everyone. I’ve been here for a little while and I’ve been observing a few things over my time here and figured I’d just talk about a few topics that came to mind. Maybe some of you won’t care much for it. That’s fine. So here goes. 

1. Getting into a relationship/dynamic

While I know this is a DDlg site, I’ve seen a lot of people immediately looking for a partner, no matter the role. It’s great to find like minded people that connect into the things that we are into. I just want to remind whomever that at its core, it’s a still a relationship, if you want it to work out in the long run. It will take some work from both sides. Also learn to be able to connect with each other outside of your DDlg selves before you completely immerse yourself. Give yourself a solid foundation to build upon, not only to get to know your partner and their fit and intentions, but also in case your dynamic changes or you need to be able to discuss things outside of your roles. 

It is important to create your own definition for your relationship and DDlg dynamic together. I say this also as people are quick to say they love certain traits or that they are the ideal person upon reading profiles or meeting for the first time. It’s great to see on paper but liking/loving traits and knowing how to deal with those traits/situations are 2 different things. I see and read a lot of the same stories which lead to abandonment/ghosting situations. This happens to both sides of the dynamic. So I suggest to truly taking the time to talk and get to know the person you are interested in before completely plunging into the dynamic. 

I understand the FOMO and excitement to get into a the dynamic. Especially, if you are new to all this. Take your time to explore your thoughts, discover what you like and don’t, and talk with other people that have walked the path.

Also remember that no partner should force you into their kinks or their style if it’s not to your liking or what you agreed. This goes both ways CG/DD/MDs and ll/lbs alike. Be respectful and if someone doesn’t then get out. 

2. Opening about your DDlg self or kinks in a non-kink relationship

You might be in a relationship with a great person that you found outside of here and they fit all your checks. However they don’t know about your DDlg self or you want to open up to them on it to include them in it. This can also apply to kinks or other things you may want to share. Being able to discuss this openly and without judgement is the golden ticket to a more fulfilling relationship.

Prior to talking, it’s important to weigh how much this dynamic or kink really means or is a part of you and what that person means to you. Is this dynamic/kink a must? How much does this relationship mean to you? This may not be an issue but not all relationships will see eye to eye on everything and not every partner is open-minded or understanding. If you are bringing up kinks, I recommend on doing a max of 5 or 6 at a time so as to not overwhelm your partner.

That said, opening up can be tricky and scary. You may feel uncomfortable saying certain words aloud, or unsure how your partner will react if they find out what you are into. I used to find it a challenge to bring up my preference for a dynamic with a new relationship, for fear of scaring them away or being judged outright as a perv or a misogynist.

When I felt like this, I would say to myself “This is part of who I am, and I need it to feel happy in a relationship. If they are judgmental or dismiss me, then they weren’t the right partner for me. So, I’m going to have the courage to bring it up when it feels appropriate”. This affirmation helped me. You can create your own version. 

When you feel it is right, ask your partner if they have the time to sit and talk. Say it in a way that shows this talk is important to you. Avoid sounding confrontational. Incorporating a time limit like 15-20 mins to talk also helps. 

Something like, “Hey, do you have 15 minutes to discuss to share some kinks or interests I would like to share with you? I’d love to hear your thoughts.”

This sets up your conversation to be open and honest while setting an amount of time, which is important to help you both relax. If you feel uncomfortable talking about what you’ve chosen to share, you know you’ve only got to do it for a set time period.

Depending on the level of your relationship, choose a neutral place or space to do it, whether in person or LDR. A nice and quiet little joint or cafe or a quiet room in your home(as long as it’s not the bedroom). 

Whatever you are feeling, share it. Don’t hold yourself back. You may be feeling nervous, scared, excited, curious, aroused, or any other number of feelings.

“I’m feeling quite vulnerable and nervous sharing this with you. It’s very personal and I don’t know how you are going to react.”

Listen for their response. Make sure they are taking it seriously and understand how you are feeling before proceeding. Then take your time and explain to them what you wanted to open up about it. Ask them how interested they are in it. Listen to your partner’s response and gauge their interest level. Remember, and this is an important part, to extend the same courtesy to them as they are to you. Accept whatever answer they give, even if it wasn’t the answer you wanted to hear. If they aren’t interested, do not get into an argument about WHY. You are putting them on the spot. Don’t pressure them into giving you any other feedback. If they want to open up to you, that’s fine too.

You now know how interested your partner is in doing participating, and they’ve also learned a bit more about your self and desires.

Finally thank them for listening, being non-judgmental, and allowing you to share something personal with them. Ask them how they feel, and if they have any questions. Simply by having an open discussion about your desires with someone is part of the process of accepting and exploring your other self. Even if you don’t see eye to eye with your partner (you’d hope you do seeing as you are going out with them!) consider it a success and a big step for yourself.

Hopefully that will bring you both closer and you can explore new things together. 


Feel free to add or correct me on any things. I’m sure I missed stuff as I was typing away. This has been taken from stuff I’ve learned over the years and may not apply to everyone but in some ways may help to bring other thoughts forward. I do want everyone to be safe and find their happy person. I found mine. If anyone wants to talk more or pick my brain, feel free to. I’m just your friendly neighborhood Umbreon. 

Thank you for reading. 

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That was a great read. I’ve read it several times and others would do well to read it several times and take things to heart. I don’t disagree with anything that you stated. I think many need to focus on establishing the strong foundation that you mentioned. That would cut down on ghosting, drama, bad relationships, etc.… 


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