Roleplay VS Reality

[Winter Lillee]

I’ve been getting mad at my partner. I have been bottling it up because… well I’ve already spoken to him many times about this issue and I just don’t feel like the issue is resolving. 
 

I feel like he only treats me like a little when he’s trying to make an effort to be affectionate. He will say things like “I’ll get your blanky” or “I’m so proud of you for remembering where the shop is” 

But I feel angry because… it’s all just random stuff he says to be affectionate. I feel like it’s a roleplay. No context. 
 

why is he proud of me for remembering where the shop is? Why does he want to get my blanky when 99% of the time, I have to look after myself with blankets. None of it feels like it’s really real. 
 

Am I just being too nit picky ? Shouldn’t I just be grateful when he tries? 
 

I think it makes me angry because one moment he will be yelling at traffic and talking to me about politics… and I’ll be anxious but expected to act grown up and respond like a grown up because he is stressed. He is stressed a loooooot though, and basically I don’t get to be little unless he is not stressed or tired or busy or anything but in a rare mood of affection. 
 

some days he says I have to hold his hand to cross a road and other days he will cross without me and not think twice. Most days he will ask me what I’ve organised for dinner, but on the occasion he will ask me if I want a treat (like as a reward or something as a little) 

it just feels all over the place and I find it so upsetting because I’m always me. I’m always exactly who I am, with the same needs wants and desires. It’s not a roleplay for me, and I just feel like it is for him. 
 

does anyone relate to this or have advice? 

[Vampiress]

It sounds like you are frustrated with a lack of structure and consistency in your relationship as far as the DD/lg aspect goes. This is entirely fair as a frustration and I suggest you bring it up to him in a constructive manner, especially if you haven't brought it up before. Usually when we bring an issue to a partner, especially if not spoken of before, if we come at it with a certain tone or in a critical manner they get defensive and won't be open to listening and may even project other things back onto you. If you have spoken about it before then I can understand why this is extra stressful for you. I think you should just tell him what you told us. Acknowledge his stress in his life and say that you understand and hope that he will let you help him however you can, but tell him you are also stressing and lacking something in the relationship and want him to be more open to consistency with his actions especially with his affections and treating you like a little. Try to work on it together and make it a productive conversation. If he won't listen or isn't interested in fixing the issue then you need to decide what your next step is after that and if you're okay with him being not as attentive as you would like.

[Little Becca]

DP

Edited July 16, 2022 by LittleLavenderGirl

[Little Becca]

Tickle, I am so sorry you’re experiencing this, my little friend. Just reading what you wrote made me anxious, never knowing what to expect from him, or how is is going to expect you to act at any given moment. I understand completely not wanting things to feel like roleplay, especially if, like me, you never really feel like being little is a pretend or roleplay thing. 

I think that we, as Littles, tend to seek out some structure and guidance in our lives because it helps us to feel secure and safe. And we look to our Daddies or caregivers to provide this. When they don’t provide that for us, it causes us to have lotsa bad feelings. We feel confused, anxious, upset, sad, lost, even angry or even we don’t really understand what we feel. 

You look to him to treat you with consistency, like Vampiress said. Even when you’re helping him with his stress or being an outlet for him, he should still treat you as the Little you are. He should understand that, but it sounds like he doesn’t, so I agree with Vampiress as well that it would be a good idea to respectfully and clearly explain these feelings to him. And also maybe even write things down first to sort out your thoughts. Of course we are always here for you, too!!!!

And I completely understand how you feel, and I would feel exactly the same way.

[Harlee-qwinnie]

It sounds like it's a role for him and not his nature, if you can appreciate the difference.  

It also sounds like if he's busy, has a lot on his plate, you and your needs are secondary. 

I would be mad, too. 

And "acting DD" / showing affection when it suits him, to fulfill his own needs, is a disservice to you. You're supposed to be in a relationship with him.  I don't have a lot of context and certainly don't know all the details, so take with a grain of salt.  However it sounds like you are more of a convenience to him (accessible when he wants).

My heart hurts for you and reading your post upset me.

Being a little girl is part of who I am.  I don't stop being little. Situations call for Big Girl Panties instead of ruffles, and I adult. But my little is always present, right under the surface.  My feelings would be thrashed in this situation,  and I'd be super mad and angry, too. 

I hope you examine all aspects of your relationship and are able to determine what you need, want, and are able to compromise. 

I am hoping for the best outcome for both of you. 

If you accept hugs, consider this a virtual hug!

Harlee 

[DaddysMonkey]

*It sounds like you are frustrated with a lack of structure and consistency in your relationship as far as the DD/lg aspect goes.

*I think that we, as Littles, tend to seek out some structure and guidance in our lives because it helps us to feel secure and safe. And we look to our Daddies or caregivers to provide this. When they don’t provide that for us, it causes us to have lotsa bad feelings. We feel confused, anxious, upset, sad, lost, even angry or even we don’t really understand what we feel. 

*Being a little girl is part of who I am.  I don't stop being little. Situations call for Big Girl Panties instead of ruffles, and I adult. But my little is always present, right under the surface.  My feelings would be thrashed in this situation,  and I'd be super mad and angry, too. 

I think @Vampiress , @LittleLavenderGirl and @Harlee-qwinnie all hit the nail on the head with their statements concerning my opinion and advice on your post. 
 

My heart genuinely breaks for you as I have been in a situation similar to this from the information you’ve provided. As much as I act like a giant dickhead , I ~crave~ structure and consistency. As a middle , it starts to hurt achingly bad and feel like you don’t want to be vulnerable/be in your headspace around a caregiver when it feels so touch and go. 
 

Who wants to delve into a vulnerable aspect of their personality/mind/lifestyle/kink when their behavior as a caregiver is so touch and go ? How can one be expected to act accordingly when they feel that they possibly have to walk on eggshells for fear of being thrown out of that headspace ? I don’t blame you at all for the way you feel. 
 

Not unfortunately as great advice has been given on how to move forward with this issue , but it is all advice I would give as well. I hope you feel validation in your feelings. You’re not alone in feeling this way.

Maybe something I can add perhaps is during a talk about your feelings with your partner , you could explain the way this makes you feel and possibly ask him if he feels any warning signs for when he is feeling over worked or stressed that effect his ability to caregive consistently and things that can help him move past that. Sometimes it can feel redundant and annoying , but asking him a lot of questions might jog his mind more than usual on the subject and maybe ask him what can help *him* be more relaxed in his caregiver state. 
 

A lot of my male parental figures growing up acted like how you are describing , and while it may not be ideal for you it could possibly just be the way that it is wired in him on how to be a Daddy because of his own upbringing. Just some food for thought on his side maybe. 
 

I hope you and your partner can effectively communicate and you find the consistency and structure you are looking for ! 

Edited July 17, 2022 by DaddysMonkey

[Winter Lillee]

Gosh everyone thank you all for your advice and for listening to me

[daddymind]

It's a difficult one because while you may be authentically in your space for most of the time, your partner might not always be in that space. It sounds like he's genuinely trying to make the effort when he is in a good head space to do that. But when he's not in that space, or stressed out, he doesn't give you that authentic dynamic you seek. Life is bloody stressful. And it's indiscriminate in how it demands/focuses the mind. You need to sit down with him and talk this out, with both of you explaining your broader needs and hopefully meet somewhere on that. Could he make more effort? Probably, and maybe he just needs to be made aware what you're lacking from him. But I can't help but think that, with all of life's competing demands, there always has to be compromise. So if he says that sometimes he can't be in the space you want, that's as much a part of that compromise as anything else in a relationship. In such a case, you have to decide if that's amicable/acceptable to you or not.

A lot of people have multiple mind states depending on the situation. So I think he just needs to be clear on what his needs are as much as you need to make him aware of your own.

Edited July 19, 2022 by daddymind

[Andriel_Isilien]

On 7/17/2022 at 3:57 AM, Ticklechambers said:

Gosh everyone thank you all for your advice and for listening to me

You deserve to have your feelings heard! Focus on making that conversation and be brave. 🤗 Sitting down to have a big talk is scary but it's a good sign that you care and want to work things out. You did well coming here for advice and support. I kinda wished I joined this forum years ago just for the amazing people that share their advice here. It's difficult to get a complete grasp on the situation but everyone here has been making excellent points to help you do what is right for you. Know that you aren't alone!