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Losing Friends

Winter Lillee

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My best friend has been out of touch this year. It's really hard for me, but I think he lost patience with me and so created some distance. 
I went through a really rough patch with my health for about 6months and he was witness to it. A few times I asked him to take me to hospital and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong. He became annoyed thinking it was all in my head - but eventually the doctors realised it was my heart and gave me some medication and things got better. 

Anyway, he recently got engaged to his girlfriend. 

I said congratulations - but truthfully I'm upset that he didn't tell me he was proposing... and then didn't tell me he had proposed and she said yes. I found out via a facebook post. 

I feel like a best friend normally either shares their plans, or at the very least, would call me and tell me the exciting news. 
I didn't want to ruin his happy event and news with all of this, so I haven't said anything. However I'm not sure what I should be thinking or feelings... is it fair that I'm upset about this? Can he really be my best friend if he barely talks to me? :( I'm just angry and hurt and I don't want to get hurt again so I've become distant from him in response to his being distant from me. 
Kinda feel like I've lost a friendship. 

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you have the right to be upset but just Remember i lot has happened to you both. and even if he is super  busy maybe you talk to him about it . so you can have some kind of anwser and knew if you have to move on you can. but a long friendship is at worth trying to save . 

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You have a right to feel hurt. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, and loosing a friendship is so painful.. I am so sorry you are going through this. 

There could be a million reasons why he didn't tell you about the engagement, and none of them are on you because he is choosing to behave this way. But you could try to reach out head on. 

My advice would be to very honestly and level headed-ly tell him you feel a distance has been made between you two. You could ask if it was something you said or did, and let him know you value the friendship and his engagement. Steer clear of any accusatory remarks because it can shut someone down even though you are just trying to express your hurt (and it may have been a miscommunication). Stick to the facts of what you are feeling, what caused that feeling, and that you care about them and their relationship, so you hope to make amends if there was a miscommunication between you two. Speak from the heart, because it sounds like you do value them a lot, and I think it will show.   

If for reasons you don't want to reach out/don't feel comfortable doing so, you still have every reason to be hurt. I would mourn the friendship for a short time, remember the positives that came from it, keep in mind lessons for the future, and remember that friendships come and go through the years. I don't mean that in a cynical way...it's just kind of how it is 😕 Even when we do our best to be a good friend, frequently the people in our lives grow and change, just as we do. Sometimes that change is not compatible anymore. 

I am just so sorry for the hurt....and I hope it's one big miscommunication. Or at the very least, that this is opening a door to a new friendship and experiences that would not have been made otherwise. Life rarely goes as we plan and expect. 

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Hmm, well, he doesn't have to tell you anything. I find it kinda off putting when anyone says that "it's your duty to...." / "you are supposed to....." even when you have not made such deal with anyone. To me it sounds bit like broken ego if you go telling him that "you should have told me you were gonna propose! You were supposed to tell me you got engaged!".

There seems to be lot of expectations from your side which he is not responding to. He doesn't seem to see your relationship the way you want it to be. Can the relationship become ( again ) what you wish? Sure. Just atm it is not as close as you hope but requires work to get it back to the closeness level it maybe once was. You getting distant almost like as a revenge hardly will solve anything.

Just based on information you gave, it seems you already have problem nro 1 from the hospital case. Him getting annoyed, you getting hurt by him doubting you instead of supporting you. Next problem would be hurt feeling from the distance and unspoken expectations IF he doesn't have something more which you are unaware.

You talk about best friends and this sort of super close relationship, which imo cannot not exist if those matters above are not talked through. Of course one way is to not talk of those but slowly start to rebuild the relationship even then it will never be as close as you hope.

Sooo, I'd advice you to mourn and get some anger out before you reach out to him. Otherwise you easily just blame him instead of telling him that you miss him. Have you considered his side of the story?

Also, him getting married means that things probably anyhow change a bit as people naturally tend to focus more on their new family at that point -especially if they will get kids. But doesn't mean the friendship is over, it may just change a bit and even grow -even if it doesn't look like some super overly close teenager bff stuff.

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Hey there @Ticklechambers , I’m sorry you feel you are losing a friendship. 

I’m only going off personal experiences , and the very small amount of information given so please take what I say with a grain of salt. 

I feel like I’ve been in the position of your friend before. Granted , I’m only going off the information you’ve given so I could be dead wrong but I’m going to say it anyways because having unbiased opinions is good for humans. 

Perhaps he felt like your friendship was one sided ? Even if you had health issues going on , it’s easy to forget that the people or friends looking after you have problems and life stressors as well. Was the entirety of the time you were having these issues all focused on you ? As someone who is a work horse and takes care of everyone else constantly , I can easily build up resentment towards people when it feels like they don’t give a shit about me even though I’m at their beck and call. Maybe he felt like he was unappreciated even though he was being so helpful to you , and him thinking it was in your head could stem from that. If he had issues going on that were being ignored , he could’ve easily felt like you were being over dramatic because his issues were being overlooked and ignored. And if you never asked him… how would you know ? 

As much as it sucks , when I’ve had friendships like this I’ve left them. Sometimes for people it’s easier to just cut ties if you feel like the care in a friendship is unbalanced. I know you’re hurt , but a lot of this has been about your hurt feelings. I’d suggest considering stopping for a second and maybe look over your own behavior and maybe think about anything that could’ve made him feel neglected or hurt during your friendship. He could be just as hurt as you are and just not saying anything. And if he feels neglected by you , he could be waiting for you to say something. 

As for his engagement… people just grow out of some friendships. If you had a partner and this guy friend was doing all these nice things and looking out for you , I’m sure there were moments or periods you’re busy with your own life or partner. He’s going to be getting married , and as much as you guys are friends he’s going to have a wife now. That wife is going to come before anyone else (or maybe not everyone is different). So having less time with him , and not having him there to do these nice things for you is something you’re just gunna have to get used to if you guys can even mend the friendship. I agree with the sentiment that @baby_k has , it seems like you guys were really close , and maybe bordering too close for his preference especially if he was looking after you like I stated and felt unappreciated. If he’s getting married , his focus isn’t going to be on you and a friendship as harsh as that may sound. 

Hopefully you can think about his side and anything you may have done also so you guys can make amends and rekindle your friendship , and who knows maybe you can even be at the wedding ! 

Edited by DaddysMonkey
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