Personal hang ups with CG/L paraphernalia.

[DaddysMonkey]

……… *waves* 👋🏻  Hi.

 

So , I’ve been in this community a long time and I’ve gone through a lot of fluctuations with which age group I feel like I fall into and the activities and gear that fall under those categories. I’m the type of person to always tell others “do whatever makes you happy , labels mean nothing !” …. but when it comes to myself I’m much more harsh and judgmental. I find myself compartmentalizing my headspace and where I feel like I belong. I always hear myself going “IM NOT A BABY!” I’m working on changing this and treating myself as kindly as I do others. 

Years ago , my headspace felt a lot more vulnerable and I would fall deeper into a younger age range ( 4-8 ) and I was more willing or comfortable rather using items like pacifiers and had even dabbled in wearing pull ups. I quickly decided I didn’t like the vulnerability pull ups brought , and didn’t like a lot of the things I would currently call “baby stuff”. Even though the deep space I could fall into was a much needed mental and emotional release , it felt deeply shameful at the same time. Almost feeling foolish , and constantly felt a pull back and forth between feeling like this was the right age group and these items worked for me and like I hated being treated like a baby and seeing myself as some helpless thing.  I got rid of my pacifiers , never bought anymore pull ups and did what Dad would call “growing up” and evolving into a big girl. My “little girl” phase wasn’t very long , maybe two ish years pushing three and have since been more of an impish middle ( 12-15 ). 

Since going to therapy again and delving into some other things to expand my mind and my perspective on how I see myself and my headspace … I have felt myself slowly being more okay with being vulnerable again. I still am not a fan of being treated like a baby or having and doing baby ish things , but there are times I’ve reminisced about my pacifier and how much it would mellow my mind out and help keep me from biting my lips and cheeks apart from anxiety. I’m not very good at being nice or gentle to myself , buying myself things like this is extremely difficult for me and I’d rather just do without than even consider getting myself gear for my headspace for fear that I will be afraid and uncomfortable with said vulnerability. It makes me feel extremely embarrassed even when I’m alone using these things even if it brings some sort of peace.

Of course I express my feelings with things like this to Dad and Big Brother ( @Expired ) , but would still deny and turn down offers for purchasing these items for me.

Big Brother decided that I should have them , and ordered me two pacifiers. 
 

When he first gave them to me , I felt my heart skip a few beats. Nervous , embarrassed , excited , shy , loved. A whirlwind of emotions flooded over me and I stood there just kinda holding it and set it on the side table. He gently , and goofily told me to use it and stuck it in my mouth for me. Immediate head rush and feeling of comfort , the fact that he bought it for me knowing I wouldn’t buy it for myself , there was no judgment ( of course he never would , I just have my own fears ) , and even told me he thought it was cute. I still get really shy and embarrassed to use it , but I’m grateful that I have my Big Brother to help make decisions like this for me. Knowing it could help me , treating me with gentle love and care and cradling the heart of that not so aggressive… shy and small and needy monkey side that I hide so well. I’m sure I’ll slowly get more and more comfortable using them , I’m currently chewing on one right now as I nervously type this all out opening myself up a little bit to you all again.  
 

These are my new pacifiers : 

 

 

Maybe me sharing a little bit about myself , my hang ups about certain items or being grouped in certain age ranges of littles and the perception others might have of it and I have of myself… sharing that a middle like me who doesn’t identify as a baby or liking most baby things can sit here chewing on a pacifier but also hold an extremely intelligent conversation with you can help others. I often see posts saying things like “ what kind of little am I , what if I like these things and not that , what do I do if I like pacifiers ect ect ect?” 
 

My answers these days to those types of posts and questions stays the same even if I struggle to take my own advice … identify however you see fit and feel comfortable with. Use the gear and items YOU want to , that help YOU with your headspace or anxieties or kinks. Disregard others who try to invalidate your headspace for doing the things that make you feel at peace and heal. 
 

Do whatever ~ T H E  F U C K  Y O U  W A N T ~ even if it takes time to get there. 

Edited August 30, 2022 by DaddysMonkey

[Andriel_Isilien]

27 minutes ago, DaddysMonkey said:

Even though the deep space I could fall into was a much needed mental and emotional release ,

I think that right there is key for your journey and figuring out yourself. I'm honored that you are sharing this. Yes, vulnerability is such an icky feeling but with the right person or people it is beautiful.

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHH, you look so cute!!!! 😁 Not that my approval should dictate how you feel about yourself but I can't help it. The first photo is my favorite LOL it says, "Yes, I have a pacifier on but I'm still gonna be grumpy about it." 🤣 Make it your own thing. I love it! 🙌

[DaddysMonkey]

8 hours ago, GayKitten said:

you look REALLY HAPPY to have these ❤️ couldn't be happier for you to have such great love and support!!!  

I’m very very blessed , to have Dad and Big Brother AAAAAAAAND the dope ass people I’ve met here …. Like a feisty little gay kitten for example hehehe ❤️

 

8 hours ago, andrielisilien said:

I think that right there is key for your journey and figuring out yourself. I'm honored that you are sharing this. Yes, vulnerability is such an icky feeling but with the right person or people it is beautiful.

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHH, you look so cute!!!! 😁 Not that my approval should dictate how you feel about yourself but I can't help it. The first photo is my favorite LOL it says, "Yes, I have a pacifier on but I'm still gonna be grumpy about it." 🤣 Make it your own thing. I love it! 🙌

 
It definitely opened my eyes to how scary it can be , but just like you said with the right person it can be so comforting and such a release of build up junk in my brain. 
 

🙈 AHH AH AH ! Heheheh NO YOURE CUTE ! Thank you for thinking my grumpy face is cute lol it does not work well as my defense mechanism unfortunately because I get the same reaction out of brother 🥹🔫

 

[Vampiress]

I know you feel very vulnerable sharing this, but I see you also as very strong for being able to do so in such an open way and wearing your heart on your sleeve to help others in their own journies as littles and middles. I really respect the effort you're making on your own journey and then taking the time to share it and connect with everyone else. I'm glad you have a support system between your Dad and Big Brother. Especially your Big Brother who was able to nudge you in this direction and make you feel accepted and loved. He sounds like a really great guy and you absolutely deserve good things.

[Littlemiddle]

You are a freaking Rockstar.... I'm so glad that you have such a good support system. Having self-doubt as a perfectly normal thing but at the end of the day doing things that help you cope for comfort is completely normal and okay. We slip into little space for so many different reasons understand that never devalues how intelligent or well-rounded you are as a person it is just simply a small piece of the pie that makes you you ..you are absolutely valid and tremendously beautiful...

Edited September 2, 2022 by Littlemiddle

[DaddysMonkey]

15 hours ago, Vampiress said:

I know you feel very vulnerable sharing this, but I see you also as very strong for being able to do so in such an open way and wearing your heart on your sleeve to help others in their own journies as littles and middles. I really respect the effort you're making on your own journey and then taking the time to share it and connect with everyone else. I'm glad you have a support system between your Dad and Big Brother. Especially your Big Brother who was able to nudge you in this direction and make you feel accepted and loved. He sounds like a really great guy and you absolutely deserve good things.

Thank you Vamp , I get extremely self conscious about feeling weak to myself or seeming weak to others. I’ve been trying to let that go so you seeing my strength in vulnerability means universes to me. I need to constantly remind myself that weak and vulnerable are not synonymous. Your words always hold a lot of weight with me @Vampiress ❤️
 

6 hours ago, Littlemiddle said:

You are a freaking Rockstar.... I'm so glad that you have such a good support system. Having self-doubt as a perfectly normal thing but at the end of the day doing things that help you cope for comfort is completely normal and okay. We slip into little space for so many different reasons understand that never devalues how intelligent or well-rounded you are as a person it is just simply a small piece of the pie that makes you you ..you are absolutely valid and tremendously beautiful...

Thank you , you’re very very kind !

[tomuyan]

those binkies totally rock, and even if I don't know you well yet, I can totally tell those binkies we're absolutely handpicked just for you !!!

something that came to mind while I was reading your post- there's these special chew necklaces for neurodivergent types and those with oral fixations that may fit better for you when you don't want to use a binkie. they come in all kinds of fun colors and shapes and textures and are kiddish without being overly baby. plus, they're made of super tough silicone so you can bite like crazy without them falling apart ! (I uh, have tested this. several times. my jaw was very sore lmfao)

if you google "oral fixation chewing necklace" tons of different types will come up òwó 

Edited October 19, 2022 by tomuyan
typo oopsie

[DaddysMonkey]

4 hours ago, tomuyan said:

those binkies totally rock, and even if I don't know you well yet, I can totally tell those binkies we're absolutely handpicked just for you !!!

something that came to mind while I was reading your post- there's these special chew necklaces for neurodivergent types and those with oral fixations that may fit better for you when you don't want to use a binkie. they come in all kinds of fun colors and shapes and textures and are kiddish without being overly baby. plus, they're made of super tough silicone so you can bite like crazy without them falling apart ! (I uh, have tested this. several times. my jaw was very sore lmfao)

if you google "oral fixation chewing necklace" tons of different types will come up òwó 

I didn’t even know this was a thing , thank you ! 

[Sloth Fairy]

 

 

5 hours ago, tomuyan said:

those binkies totally rock, and even if I don't know you well yet, I can totally tell those binkies we're absolutely handpicked just for you !!!

something that came to mind while I was reading your post- there's these special chew necklaces for neurodivergent types and those with oral fixations that may fit better for you when you don't want to use a binkie. they come in all kinds of fun colors and shapes and textures and are kiddish without being overly baby. plus, they're made of super tough silicone so you can bite like crazy without them falling apart ! (I uh, have tested this. several times. my jaw was very sore lmfao)

if you google "oral fixation chewing necklace" tons of different types will come up òwó 

I have a cute fox chew necklace that I use when I'm extra anxious and because I didn't want to get a pacifier. I found it on Amazon. 

[Boomer]

Thank you for sharing this.  There was definitely a time in my life when I had zero interest in pacis.  Then I hit a really stressful time in my life and a D-type friend recommended I try one for when I'm feeling anxious.  I'm a little pissed at how quickly it calmed me down and how much comfort I still get from it.  Plus, it is freaking adorable.

[LoverEcho]

I remember reading this post a while back and it has been stuck in my head recently. I used to easily slip into a younger headspace, but in recent years middlespace has been my constant. When I first felt this change...I was going through a bit, and it had me feeling angry at myself. I threw out all of the things meant for my younger headspace. I felt sickened by my vulnerability in that space and I grew to resent it. Recently, I find myself missing the comfort of a paci yet I still can't bring myself to purchase one. I shut that door and I'm too afraid to open it I think. 

[DaddysMonkey]

2 hours ago, LoverEcho said:

I remember reading this post a while back and it has been stuck in my head recently. I used to easily slip into a younger headspace, but in recent years middlespace has been my constant. When I first felt this change...I was going through a bit, and it had me feeling angry at myself. I threw out all of the things meant for my younger headspace. I felt sickened by my vulnerability in that space and I grew to resent it. Recently, I find myself missing the comfort of a paci yet I still can't bring myself to purchase one. I shut that door and I'm too afraid to open it I think. 

This hits home for me @LoverEcho. 

I’m fully aware of how supported I am by my caregivers to slip into the deeper and younger spaces of my mind but that doesn’t stop the anger that bubbles up. The anger for me resides in that fear you’re speaking of , I’ve slammed that door on the younger and most vulnerable parts of me over and over again. 

Every time I leave that door cracked for the most vulnerable parts of me though instead of slamming it shut or leaving it wide open , it peeks out when it’s ready. I would have never bought myself a paci because of the similar feelings I think we share. I will say though , the paci and doing very small things for the younger parts of me is really healing if it’s any consolation for you. Even yesterday I had control of the music in the car and Dad was singing along to You're Welcome from Moana. Big Brother got me a stuffy even though I recently donated all of mine away (except the most sentimental). Letting myself watch old shows I told myself I grew out of , going on an outside adventure and seeing seals play , doing things for this community like helping run clubs. 

Those small little moments heal in super big ways. Even if you don’t get yourself a paci , I hope you can find some peace with that part of yourself like I’ve been trying to do.

We don’t talk privately really , but I read just about everything you post and I truly believe you deserve to find that healing and peace. (Yeah yeah , everyone deserves that… I just think you really do.) 

[LoverEcho]

@DaddysMonkey I always feel glad seeing the support you have. Like you said, we don't talk privately, but I see you. You deserve all the nourishing your mind, body, and soul can have. I appreciate you taking your time to be vulnerable here on the forum, even if it's hard. Precisely for reasons like this. 

Even if I still continue to battle with all of this in myself, you've given me the eye opening I need. There's parts of me that are deeply damaged and in need of some serious healing. It's up to me to facilitate that. I do have support, but I have this horrible habit of pushing it away. Right now, my brain is yelling at me for even writing all of this, but maybe it's good I put it somewhere. 

It's helpful for me to see that I don't need to let that door swing wide open, just peeking is okay. I often get lost in the big picture. You've inspired me to at least try to find my peace and healing in whatever small ways I can manage. 

I really appreciate this sentiment, Monkey, thank you.