The struggle between doing what's right and what you desire

[Barney048]

Okay soo ...  this is meant primarily for caregivers, since I'll lay out my perspective as a Dom, however subs are more than welcome to chime in.

When I interact with a sub there always comes a time when I have to decide whether to proceede with her and my wishes/desires, or if I should do what I objectively think is best for her (these 2 things align once every 4 years). Being human and all, I sometimes give into desire , be it sexual or emotional. Ofcourse that pleassure is usually short lived, since as a Dom I have this little voice at the back of my head yelling at me "You Mother fu**er... Do what's best for her in the long run, not what'll bring you pleassure now!". So ofcourse I am once again forced to use my big head, tsk.

 

I bring this up because I see that other Doms struggle with this as well, but they sometimes completely mute that little voice and just decide to proceed according to their desires. Now I'm not asking how I can mute that voice as well. I feel much better about myself if I listen to it, even tho I often find myself frustrated both sexually and emotionally due to it. 

I'm curious, how do you justify these actions to yourself? Do you say "you only live once"? Do you say "It's what she//he wants as well, so it's okay"? 

Now I realize this sounds very judgemental of me, but it's really not meant as such. I am probably too harsh on myself with things such as these, so I just want to see other people's thought process and try to somewhat learn from that as well.

Edited November 13, 2022 by Barney048

[Guest dumb baby]

thats heavily reliant based on contect tbh. Do you have any examples of when this has happened. 

 

As a general rule as long as you are following S.S.C you should be completely alright and not harbour any guilt. If you do feel guily or off after a scene though it may be dom drop and it is worth it to try and seek re-assurance from your partner by letting them know how you are feeling etc. Also perhaps ease off some of the pressure you are placing on yourself, you are not always going to make the correct decisions and your partner will understand that. 

[Barney048]

I think there's been a misunderstanding 😅... I don't feel guilty because of that... when it comes to play I don't really waver nor feel guilty. What I meant is I push people away, distance myself, because I know that I not good for them in the long run and can't give them what they need. But I see that many people just "wing it" and hope for the best. So i just wanted to see their thought process, as I can't do that. 

[Guest Lamps]

It's hard to know what you're distinguishing between what is best for you and what is best for them. I sort of get what you mean where there are times when having that kind of power can make one feel like they want to test it which becomes less about the person you are with and more about you.

For me, I like to explain the reasons behind why I am doing something with a sub. I want them to understand the decision and my rationale. I think this is helpful because most will share their opinions to you and if they don't understand or don't think it makes sense (and you're not able to truly justify it), that's a good indicator that you shouldn't try to do it. 

We tend to treat the D/S dynamic in silos sometimes. You shouldn't generally be making decisions on your own without any input. There should be some back and forth. I think this would prevent you from doing the things you are mentioning and will likely lead to a healthier dynamic. Plus subs like to know how you think about things and that you are putting intentionality in actions.

Edit: I see you replied again before I posted. My thoughts stay the same. If you're thinking of becoming distant or are unsure of things, talk to them. Communication is everything.

Edited November 13, 2022 by Lamps

[MissNMTX]

This post made me smile so much!😉 Mostly, because I've never heard a Dom be concerned if they were "good" for a sub or not. That's refreshing and comforting.

Generally, I'm going to agree with gigisweetheart. Assuming you're playing with or in partnership with grown people, you might be taking some of their decision making away from them. Most of us have been on a journey to get here. We've learned what we want, what we need, and dare I say it areas we're willing to compromise. Inorder to get something bigger. It reads a bit heavy handed for you, Don or not, to just decide that you're not good for them.

[LoverEcho]

I am a Switch, but I'm going to respond to this from my perspective as a Dom. From reading the replies, I can see that I have a different viewpoint on this. Communication is important, there is no denying that, but when it comes to deciding a relationship needs to end or not begin in the first place, that can justifiably be one-sided. If you find that you cannot give a person what they need or see in some way that you may be a detriment to them, it is responsible to step back from that. I don't necessarily view it as making the decisions for the other person, or taking their choice away. 

Now, I experience the struggle you are speaking of, as I find my desires and what is right don't often match up. I'm nihilistic, have issues with emotions, and am a bit depraved (if I'm being brutally honest here). This creates a situation where I am not good for MOST people. I acknowledge that and remedy it when I can. I self-isolate pretty much as a default and don't quickly form strong bonds to people. I notice a lot of infatuation and naivety when it comes to speaking with subs. I want to be clear that I am not trying to make any generalizations here, I am just mentioning my experience and perception. This creates many situations where the sub is not being objective when looking at the big picture and may not see the reasons behind a Dom's choice to remove themselves. 

That "little" voice, is loud in my head but I'm only human. Sometimes I give into the nihilism and do what may not be "right." The pleasure that I may experience after that is short-lived, like you said, but always doing what was right would have robbed me of many experiences I feel I needed to have. That is the only angle I have in which to justify what I do in those situations. Each lived experience is a chance to grow, adapt, and learn.

It's difficult to be that objective party that sees a situation not going well. It is going to lead to hurt feelings, but drawing it out will only increase that hurt. 

Edited November 13, 2022 by LoverEcho
Typo

[Barney048]

20 minutes ago, LoverEcho said:

I am a Switch, but I'm going to respond to this from my perspective as a Dom. From reading the replies, I can see that I have a different viewpoint on this. Communication is important, there is no denying that, but when it comes to deciding a relationship needs to end or not begin in the first place, that can justifiably be one-sided. If you find that you cannot give a person what they need or see in some way that you may be a detriment to then, it is responsible to step back from that. I don't necessarily view it as making the decisions for the other person, or taking their choice away. 

Now, I experience the struggle you are speaking of, as I find my desires and what is right don't often match up. I'm nihilistic, have issues with emotions, and am a bit depraved (if I'm being brutally honest here). This creates a situation where I am not good for MOST people. I acknowledge that and remedy it when I can. I self-isolate pretty much as a default and don't quickly form strong bonds to people. I notice a lot of infatuation and naivety when it comes to speaking with subs. I want to be clear that I am not trying to making any generalizations here, I am just mentioning my experience and perception. This creates many situations where the sub is not being objective when looking at the big picture and may not see the reasons behind a Dom's choice to remove themselves. 

That "little" voice, is loud in my head but I'm only human. Sometimes I give into the nihilism and do what may not be "right." The pleasure that I may experience after that is short-lived, like you said, but always doing what was right would have robbed me of many experiences I feel I needed to have. That is the only angle I have in which to justify what I do in those situations. Each lived experience is a chance to grow, adapt, and learn.

It's difficult to be that objective party that sees a situation not going well. It is going to lead to hurt feelings, but drawing it out will only increase that hurt. 

You're like my clone, just better at expressing yourself... And you know, without a penis.

[beanbean]

well yes i get that for sure i have stayed with some littles just as not to hurt them even tho i knew it was not going to work  in the long run. but i think just staying with someone even tho you know you don't fit is just as bad .if your desires do not match up there is a good chance in the long run it might not work out so just be honest with them and see if it works out

[Barney048]

Thank you all for the advice/thoughts on the subject 😁 ...Going further I'll take it all into consideration

[Married_Lg]

I’m a switch so I’ll respond from both sides 🤭

As a sub: I think if my dom wasn’t 100% sure they were going to be good for me, and I was heading into it with stars in my eyes, I would want them to do the right thing and not pursue anything with me. That’s not to say that every relationship has to be a “forever relationship”, but I would expect them to also feel like they would improve my life long term. If you can’t give me that assurance before getting involved, then we haven’t spent enough time getting to know each other OR we just should stay friends. 
 

As a domme: it’s so nice to know someone on such a level that I would want to be in a relationship with them even if I knew it wasn’t forever. You can make that person happy for the time being, and be their safe spot when they need it. I think the main difference is going into things eyes open, and knowing that you won’t be good for someone without Telling them that….is kind of shitty? But if you let them know, and they choose you anyways, then I see no issues. Takes two to tango.