Tips for letting out Anger and frustration

[Phoenix78]

So backstory. Ive always been on the angrier side with a bit of a temper naturally but i have always kept alot of it bottled up or hidden since alot of people cant handle it. Recently ive had a harder time keeping it under control with the 2 family members I live with. One of them is more passive but tends to be more calm and neutral which helps me control myself, and the other has a history for making people angry on purpose then playing victim(they do this with me alot). Because of some recent circumstances I've had little to no control of my anger and have started to be increasingly aggressive. I have started to isolate myself in the other part of the house to stop me from snapping. As of now they are both purposely doing things to set me off and make me angry any time I am around. We have also had multiple talks about doing better on all out parts(this was done with a 3rd party involved for a neutral). Any help or advise would be appreciated thank you.

Edit: they have both admitted to doing this on purpose, its not just me suspecting.

Edited June 9, 2023 by Phoenix78

[beanbean]

Headphones in the ears and music could help a bit , do your chores and stay a part as much as possible 

[Cebakes]

Sounds like a tough situation.  They obviously don’t care about boundaries or even decent civil behavior.  Clearly they have issues and enjoy tormenting you and engaging in toxic behavior.  Sadly, there are people that enjoy tormenting or battling with others.

Have you sought counseling for your anger issues, read books on the topic, or joined other forums or groups dealing with anger issues?   When these flareups happen, are you able to leave the house? Do you drive or can you go for a walk or run?  Do you have a close friend that you can go to when something like this happens?

Edited June 7, 2023 by Cebakes

[Vampiress]

Someone I know talks about handling people like that using the "grey rock method." There's a lot of articles about this on the internet and some videos, too. I'll include a couple of links. It's good to do your research because this method does not always work, and in certain circumstances it can backfire. There are also situations where grey rocking is not a good method at all. However, it can be VERY useful at times as long as you know when to use it. I've done it myself, and it can be a good way to take the steam out of someone's plans to get you worked up.

 

Just a snippet to explain it briefly:

"The grey rock method is a strategy for protecting yourself from abusive or toxic friends, partners, co-workers, or family members.

This method theorizes that, when dealing with an emotionally abusive, toxic, or narcissistic person, withholding your reactions can put a stop to their behaviors. If you show no emotion they won’t get the thrill or enjoyment out of their harmful behavior."

 

Some links to get you started: 

https://www.betterup.com/blog/grey-rocking

https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method#grey-rock-method

[LittleNyx]

1 minute ago, Vampiress said:

Someone I know talks about handling people like that using the "grey rock method." There's a lot of articles about this on the internet and some videos, too. I'll include a couple of links. It's good to do your research because this method does not always work, and in certain circumstances it can backfire. There are also situations where grey rocking is not a good method at all. However, it can be VERY useful at times as long as you know when to use it. I've done it myself, and it can be a good way to take the steam out of someone's plans to get you worked up.

 

Just a snippet to explain it briefly:

"The grey rock method is a strategy for protecting yourself from abusive or toxic friends, partners, co-workers, or family members.

This method theorizes that, when dealing with an emotionally abusive, toxic, or narcissistic person, withholding your reactions can put a stop to their behaviors. If you show no emotion they won’t get the thrill or enjoyment out of their harmful behavior."

 

Some links to get you started: 

https://www.betterup.com/blog/grey-rocking

https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method#grey-rock-method

I used this method when I was being bullied in elementary school. I didn't know it had a name, I didn't even know it was an actual method...but it worked very well. 

[Vampiress]

6 minutes ago, LittleNyx said:

I used this method when I was being bullied in elementary school. I didn't know it had a name, I didn't even know it was an actual method...but it worked very well. 

I'm glad I could help you with giving it a name! I had only learned about it having a name in the last couple of years myself, but it was something I had learned just out of trial and error growing up as a survival method.

[Cebakes]

7 minutes ago, Vampiress said:

Someone I know talks about handling people like that using the "grey rock method." There's a lot of articles about this on the internet and some videos, too. I'll include a couple of links. It's good to do your research because this method does not always work, and in certain circumstances it can backfire. There are also situations where grey rocking is not a good method at all. However, it can be VERY useful at times as long as you know when to use it. I've done it myself, and it can be a good way to take the steam out of someone's plans to get you worked up.

 

Just a snippet to explain it briefly:

"The grey rock method is a strategy for protecting yourself from abusive or toxic friends, partners, co-workers, or family members.

This method theorizes that, when dealing with an emotionally abusive, toxic, or narcissistic person, withholding your reactions can put a stop to their behaviors. If you show no emotion they won’t get the thrill or enjoyment out of their harmful behavior."

 

Some links to get you started: 

https://www.betterup.com/blog/grey-rocking

https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method#grey-rock-method

I use this method in brat taming as well….. it truly is the best way to handle difficult people or someone trying to antagonize you.  With that being said, it’s easier said than done if you are stuck living with people like this.  I know from when I was married…..
 

 

[Vampiress]

1 hour ago, Cebakes said:

I use this method in brat taming as well….. it truly is the best way to handle difficult people or someone trying to antagonize you.  With that being said, it’s easier said than done if you are stuck living with people like this.  I know from when I was married…..
 

 

Yeah that's why I stress doing research to make sure to understand the nuances of when and how it can be effective and when it isn't.

[Phoenix78]

14 hours ago, Cebakes said:

Sounds like a tough situation.  They obviously don’t care about boundaries or even decent civil behavior.  Clearly they have issues and enjoy tormenting you and engaging in toxic behavior.  Sadly, there are people that enjoy tormenting or battling with others.

Have you sought counseling for your anger issues, read books on the topic, or joined other forums or groups dealing with anger issues?   When these flareups happen, are you able to leave the house? Do you drive or can you go for a walk or run?  Do you have a close friend that you can go to when something like this happens?

I sadly cant afford to do counseling right now. But I have like researched some about it but i always like to ask. I cant currently leave the house for more then a few minutes due to one of them not being able to be alone for long(they have a hard time walking so someone must be near). And I dont really have other people who I can talk to this about unfortunately

[MysticSand]

Honestly, I'm not really sure this is an anger issue but more of a toxicity/frustration issue. Of course you're going to be upset if people are consistently baiting and pushing your buttons! From personal experience, I suggest to interact as little as possible and to have brief/short answers if addressed. Don't share or volunteer information and communicate only when needed. Remember to take a breath when you feel the friction beginning and remember that they are purposely baiting you - so resist the bait and don't engage! Say what you need to and that's it, leave the room if/when you can.

Remember, bullies are only bullies because something is or has gone wrong in their own lives. And so pushing your buttons might be their only form of interaction or way to get some kind of satisfaction out of life these days - remember that, and remember how terribly sad that is. Hard to do so in the moment but do your best to "take the higher road" and don't get caught in the verbal traps they set for you.

I get it about not being able to afford counseling; so, as an alternative, do you have people you can vent to? Just writing about it (even if it's just an email to yourself, or writing it in in the notepad app where no one will ever see) can be therapeutic. Do something to get those thoughts and frustrations out in addition to redirecting your energy.

Happy to chat if you need an ear!

[Mr. Davis]

Hmmmm.....so, I've had a extremely violent past. Booze, gang shit, drugs, blah blah blah. Don't so much anymore, for the most part. My all time favorite method of dealing with any "FUCK OFF" moments has always been music (a classic) , sleep, or the go to.....beating the shit outta the dirt with a sledge hammer while listening to classical. A) it's physically exhausting to the point I don't care about the anger shit anymore and B)the music "soothes" the Beast. Cliche I know. 

[AspiringDaddy]

On 6/7/2023 at 5:51 AM, Phoenix78 said:

So backstory. Ive always been on the angrier side with a bit of a temper naturally but i have always kept alot of it bottled up or hidden since alot of people cant handle it. Recently ive had a harder time keeping it under control with the 2 family members I live with. One of them is more passive but tends to be more calm and neutral which helps me control myself, and the other has a history for making people angry on purpose then playing victim(they do this with me alot). Because of some recent circumstances I've had little to no control of my anger and have started to be increasingly aggressive. I have started to isolate myself in the other part of the house to stop me from snapping. As of now they are both purposely doing things to set me off and make me angry any time I am around. We have also had multiple talks about doing better on all out parts(this was done with a 3rd party involved for a neutral). Any help or advise would be appreciated thank you.

A household with multiple adults (for example parents with their adult children) pose particular challenges; and that for all the family members. It requires the co-operation of all involved members to break out of a feedback cycle of negative behaviors. It's easy to feel targeted or singled out. It may feel like they're setting you off on purpose. But it isn't always all that black and white. It is sometimes necessary to take your own share of the blame and question yourself.

Now don't take me wrong. I'm not saying that you are to blame as I know nothing about your situation. I'm just talking out of my personal experience, where my grown ass kids still think I'm pissing (or lecturing) them off on purpose . 

That said, I commend you for making the effort to post and reach out about this.

Now, rise above this like a Phoenix 🐦

[Funny_Little_Bean]

Hi, I hope this can help a bit. 

A lot of the responses have looked at your situation and commented ideas regarding that, so I'm going to go at this with more generic advice I suppose. Sort of like you'd get with CBT. Hopefully you'll be able to apply it to yourself. 

I'd also like to say I'm not a therapist or anything but happy to listen if you ever need a friendly ear. 

So when looking at anger there's kind of a three pronged approach that can be really useful...

First is to identify triggers. Not just situations like the ones you've discussed that trigger the anger, but thinking about what longer lasting thoughts do you get when you get angry. Maybe something like "It's not fair", "This is wrong" or "I have to do something about this". These thoughts then have 2 outcomes your feelings, and behaviours. It can help some to keep a diary of these when you notice yourself getting angry. It doesn't have to be detailed or coherent, just note some of the thoughts you get, then what feelings they create and behaviours you notice. Also it's good to notice how you feel physically. Anger can trigger physical arousal, it's a natural adrenaline response. Try to notice what these look like with you, and again maybe just write them down. The more you know about yourself, the more likely you are to notice earlier in the future and get ahead of the curve so to speak. 

I hope that made some sense. Next is to tackle the feeling itself. Try the method out below. It doesn't necessarily work for everyone but hopefully some of it can apply to you. Remember, some of the questions below might actually help you justify the anger, that's okay. Anger is natural and all emotions are justified. But not all behaviours are, so it's important to accept the anger but try to control the behaviours.

Ways to deal with anger.

1) STOPP! Pause, take a breath, don't react automatically.

2) Walk away - you can come back and talk later.

3) Ask yourself:
 a) What am I reacting to? 

 b) What is it that's really pushing my buttons here?

 c) Am I getting things out of proportion? 

 d) How important is this really?

 e) How important will it be in 6 months time?

 f) What harm has actually been done?

 g) Am I expecting something from this person or situation that is unrealistic?

 h) What's the worst (and best) that could happen? What's most likely to happen?

 i) Am I jumping to conclusions about what this person meant? Am I mis-reading between the lines? Is it possible that they didn't mean that? Is this fact or opinion?

 j) What do I want or need from this person or situation? What do they want or need from me? Is there a compromise?

 k) What would be the consequences of responding angrily?

 l) Is there another way of dealing with this? What would be the most helpful and effective 
action to take? (for me, for the situation, for the other person)

4) Visualise yourself dealing with the situation in a calm, non-aggressive but assertive way, 
respecting the rights and opinions of all others involved.

Once you've gone through those steps then listen to your body, do you still have any physical sensations of anger? As I said it's an adrenaline response so you might do. Things like mindful breathing, visualisation exercises, listening to music, exercising, doing a hobby or activity or just a change of scenery can help with this. Do some research, try a few things out and see what's best for you. Music is my go to personally. Songs around 60-80bpm in noise cancelling headphones can help me calm the phsyical sensations. 

Hopefully there's one or two things here you can apply when you're next angry to help. Also the responses about have some amazing advice too. 

 

[Guest Erickwcurls]

Exercise is the most important thing you can do for your mental health. I'll said again exercise is the  important thing you can do for your mental well-being and for aggression. Go for intense runs or walks or hikes yoga,jiu-jitsu, lift weights, meditation. 

Concentrating on learning something new something that challenges your fears and your boundaries also.

Also try to find a different living situation people that are abusive just stay abusive.   codependency narcissism like there's a lot of it and it sounds like at least one of your family members has that.  But your situational never better if you are with people that are like this.  

 

It takes a lot of work there's no easy fix.  Hope things get better 

[Guest BabyBug]

I use exercise, music and art when I'm angry! 

[GrampyP]

There's a lot of good advice here so I'll offer a more controversial possibility. 

If they are somewhat dependant on you, why not leverage your service to get them to treat you more civilly? I know that sounds like blackmail but think of it more like you are just getting their attention on their behavior to you.

You shouldn't have to put up with anything that makes you angry. Their behavior is the problem. Without their behavior you wouldn't have an anger problem. They cause your anger and they should change their behavior. 

Can you stand up for yourself? Maybe that would effect the change in their behavior that's needed. And you will have learned an important life skill through it all.

If I'm wrong or don't understand your situation fully, I apologize. I do wish you well.