Dealing with heartbreak and mental health (not sure what to title this)

[moonlightbae14]

Hello everyone! Thank you for taking the time in reading this. I presume everyone is well and healthy! I am making an appearance after an absence. Since my last discussion post, I have a few updates. One of which is that I finally bought my own car March 2022. I’ve also attended concerts both by myself and with a group. And lastly, I was in a relationship.

My main focus for the topic discussion will be my relationship. We met online on Hinge late September 2022, messaged a few days and then met in real life at Chili’s. He made a great first impression that we continued seeing each other once a week and texting everyday until I was asked to be his girlfriend October 30, 2022. I never experienced a guy who had no red flags- in the beginning. I met his parents and extended family during the holidays and vice versa. Everything felt like a dream come true.

I did eventually show him my vulnerable side by asking if I could suck his finger because my intrusive thoughts could not leave me alone. He obliged and didn’t mind. I freaked out because we haven’t kissed at that point after becoming official. We spoke and made up, I got my first kiss at 23 (currently 24).

By November 2022 is when we became more intimate with each other- still a virgin- I don’t want to say exactly but I call it “the back door” along with me providing oral. It sparked something in me to be able to experience it with someone who cares about me and my well-being, even as far as helping/participating when I’m in pet space as a puppy. He went as far as getting me collared since I was providing information about the DDLG/BDSM world and thought the collar is another milestone in the relationship (2-3 months after becoming official). As time went on and anytime I would see him, I would want to engage with him in those activities. Earlier this year I began to notice that he did not show as much effort in driving to see me or make plans, keeping in mind that he’s still going to school and working 2 part-time jobs even when we were dating. It led to a discussion in wanting more dates and me being told to not have all my eggs in basket based on comments about future marriage and kids (I joked about wanting 4-6 kids along with asking who had a better last name/ asking if I should hyphen mine). On my days off, I would ask if I can go see him and we can spend some time together at his house. And in December, we went to a concert and by the end of the show, the headlining band was playing my favorite song and began singing it to him while giving him my coffin ring (my most prized possession- a replica ring of the lead singer who sing my favorite song), my one chance to show a more romantic side of me. By February he planned a date to Disneyland. I noticed he was tired. I assumed it was due to him literally going after finishing a shift at work. He was distant but still let me be affectionate towards him. By the end of the night, he was quiet and I had to ask him what was wrong. In my head, I was scared to ask it if was us that was on his mind- it was.

He began stating that I’m a really beautiful girl and anyone would be blessed to have me as their girlfriend but- he’s not ready for a relationship. He thought he was until he met me. He’s juggling school, work, friends and me. It’s not fair to me having to sacrifice and compromising every time without the other person not doing the same for me. And that I’m a very sexual person. He’s not sure if he’d want marriage or want to have kids. He briefly mentioned that it’s possible he might be somewhere in the asexual preference or something. He claimed he needs to have an emotional connection first to then have a physical connection, especially since the oral stuff left him questioning it. By the end, he told me I should embrace my puppy side to whoever the next guy is and not be ashamed of it and that he’s gonna do some soul searching for himself and work on himself once more. He claims breaking up with me was hard for him to say but I was notified that he found someone else a month after us.

I wanna know your opinion/POV, now that I’m left single and traumatized (jokingly), I can’t help but feel as though my sexual side scared him away and it was too much. Not only that, the fact he repeated the sentence “You’re a very sexual person” stuck with me and now I don’t know how to feel or function in the dating world. I feel like I have gone back in my shell and sometimes I feel disgusted with myself for being sexual. If anything, it’s what helped my confidence. But now this breakup left me broken and feel ashamed for having kinks such as pet play and impact play. There’s times where I just feel disgusted with the idea that I like that.

If you’ve reached this far, thank you for taking the time once more in reading this lengthy topic discussion haha. I will be reading and responding as soon as I can to each one. Don’t hesitate to ask more questions if there was something you might have missed or something I may have misworded. Have a great day!

[beanbean]

I think there is nothing wrong with a heathey sexual relationship at all .tho maybe he was not into some of the stuff you were into . I think it's actually was probably him realizing it was to much at for him at that point. And in all honesty it's probably better now then if you guys couple years down the road . But I don't think you did want things wrong or abnormal at all

[lilpincess]

I agree with @beanbean. I’m so sorry you’re going through this difficult time, but it’s definitely better it happens now than later on. You have absolutely no reason to feel ashamed of your wants and desires. Unfortunately it just sounds like this guy wasn’t the one for you. Hugs to you

[Vampiress]

Based on everything you said, it sounded like you tried to have a good and healthy relationship. You were putting in the effort to see him, even if for some reason he appeared to be hesitant or distant. I can't imagine why he'd plan a date to Disneyland just to break up with you afterwards. I do question if he was entirely honest with you since he told you not to "put your eggs into one basket" when talking about the future, his distance, and how he was handling things. It's also a little suspicious that he jumped into another relationship so quickly.

I wouldn't stress over what he said about your sexuality. Having a high sex drive isn't something to be ashamed of, and he was also explaining that he may have a lower sex drive or none at all which would mean he just wasn't compatible with you in that sense. I will say that's a fair thing to take note of on his part, because when sex drives aren't compatible it can leave one person feeling like they are deprived of something they need and the other person feels the pressure of not being able to fulfill that and they feel bad. It's not wrong of either person, but it is better to be with someone who is compatible in that regard if sex is important to you. With the way you explained it, I am thinking he wasn't trying to shame you about your sexuality. In fact, he encouraged you to continue and don't hide that side of yourself from your next partner.

Whatever really happened here on his side of things, I think that it's better he told you now instead of leading you on. He knew he didn't want to or couldn't fulfill certain desires of yours, and he was fair and moved on now instead of wasting your time further. 

[Suzette]

You have my full support ! I also just had a paintful mini relationship with a paranoid man (the real trouble), and I'm the opposite, I'm demisexual like the man you mentioned seems to be. And in general, it causes me problems. 

Say you it's was just not the good ! Search still your Prince.

BIG HUUGS ❤️ 

[ErickWcurls]

I'm sorry you went through this.   When you really like someone and they yoyo around and give you mixed messages its very confusing. 

My last gf , I loved her more than I've ever loved anyone and she basically punished me for loving her.  Told me I had too much sex drive sometimes.  The first year we were like jackrabbits, constantly at each other. It was amazing, I thought I'd finally met someone that enjoyed and had the same level of energy for sex as I did.  Then she'd tell me that she was good for sex for a while because we'd had sex so much for so long.  It was confusing.   Then it would all come back but it felt like she was playing some strange game.  She was very abusive , I'm certain she is a narcissist.  You just can't read people's minds, and I don't know what she told me was real or not.  She dumped me and it has been very painful.   I felt like I didn't deserve anyone.  

I just have to find the right girl that matches up well with my personality, sex drive and interests. 

I hope you find your someone too.

 

Take care