Doms

[Softie.Sleepy]

This was a note in my phone

A bad Dom is a serious danger to anyone who engages in play with. For this reason, if there's one thing I hate seeing in the BDSM community, it's a bad Dom.

Two main things make a person a bad Dom: a lack of education and a lack of empathy. One cause is fixable, the other isn't.

A lack of empathy suggests that the person in question acts as a predator and is looking to harm victims using BDSM as an excuse to write off their behavior. While you can protect yourself from these people by knowing the signs of a fake dom you can't fix a person who actively seeks out to cause suffering in partners.

A lack of education, on the other hand, suggests that a Dom wants to keep partners happy but just doesn't know where to begin. No education in BDSM can lead to both unintended physical and emotional suffering in submissives.

Recently, the term "Daddy Dom" has become way more popular among newbies. For those who aren't up to date on the terms, Daddies are males (or non-binary people) who usually love the idea of combining age-related roleplay with BDSM relationships.

Relationships that involve Daddies also will have a "little" submissive who acts like a younger, more playful submissive. Generally, this tends to translate into a Daddy/little girl relationship—also abbreviated as DD/lg.

Though rare to see, not all Daddies tend to have ageplay involved in their BDSM scenes. At times, they also may just like the idea of having a more paternal streak with their BDSM. Either way, there's a lot of positivity to be gained from being a Daddy to a little.

As a Dom myself, I understand the desire to learn the ropes and earn the title of "Daddy" from your sub. It's a great feeling to know that your domination makes your little happy. It's also a gentler, more cuddly side to what is often a very intimidating side of BDSM.

But, where do you begin? How do you keep things safe? Speaking as a person who's been there and learned how to make things work in a BDSM relationship, here's the advice that I'll give you.

 

Pick your submissive carefully.

 

Believe it or not, submissives aren't the only people who can get hurt in a BDSM relationship. Doms actually can find themselves in serious trouble if they don't know how to find the right person dominate.

Before you try any BDSM scenes, make sure that the person or people you want to partner with understands the basics. At the very least, you need to make sure your partner understands the following:

 

1. Consent. A smart submissive will always be willing to say no. They will also understand the importance of establishing safe words. Thinking that they do not have a right to say no is a sign that they will not be able to handle a BDSM relationship.

2. Safe Sex Practices. Safety is your number one concern here. Your submissive should be willing (and even insist) on regular doctor checkups, condom use, and safe sex toy use. This is not negotiable.

3. Relationship Boundaries. A DD/lg relationship is not like other relationships. You might not be exclusive, and you might not even see each other outside of the scope of BDSM. Does your partner understand this? If they do, are they honest about being okay with it?

4. Proper Communication. I honestly believe you can't have safe, sane, and consensual sex without being good at communicating. If your potential submissive's idea of saying they're not comfortable with something you're doing is pouting, you need a new sub.

In a nutshell, you need to make sure that that the person in question is capable of having a mature, adult, and communication-based relationship. If they aren't capable of that, trying to dominate them will turn out badly for both of you—and could even land you with false abuse accusations.

 

If you think that you can just become a decent Dom overnight, you're wrong. It takes a while to learn the ropes as a Dom. The more education you have on the subject, the better a lover you can be.

This means that if you want to be a good Daddy or Mommy, you will need to read up on BDSM practices, safety, and the type of fantasies littles tend to get. At the very least, reading about basic BDSM terms can prove to be incredibly useful.

 

When disciplining your little, don't be afraid to use classic parenting phrases.

When you were younger, you might have heard parents bark certain phrases at you. "Watch it, kiddo," or "Right now, missy!" or “Just wait ’til I get home young lady. You are in big trouble," were some of the more popular ones you might remember.

Believe it or not, in the world of DD/lg kink, these kinds of phrases can excite your little. In fact, they can add some serious fun to punishment sessions. Go ahead and spank your little after warning her. She'll love it!

 

After punishing your little, practice aftercare.

 

Though it's definitely a gentler and happier side of kink, being a Daddy Dom can and will have moments where you will have to "punish" your little one. Like with any other BDSM scene, this means that you will have to give special care to make sure your little is alright after she's been naughty.

Every little's aftercare ritual will be a little different after experiencing dominance and submission. Sometimes, just cuddling her and telling her she's a good girl is enough. Other times, you may need to run her a bath and ask her how she feels.

No matter what, just make sure that the aftercare you give her is enough to make her feel like your little princess... because she totally is.

 

Types of punishments. 

 

1. early bedtime

2. no electronics for an hour

3. no teddy bear for a bedtime

4. no snacks/chocolate

5. no cuddles with your Daddy

6. spanking when you have been a really bad girl

7. The Thought Spot: Put your submissive in the corner and have them think about their behavior.

8. Lines: have your submissive write out “I will not disobey daddy/mommy” on lined paper.

9. Domestic tasks: give your submissive extra work around the house to help with as punishment for their infraction.

10. A letter of apology: have your submissive write a heartfelt letter of apology for whatever rule they broke.

11. Withholding privileges: This could range from taking away their gaming controllers, TV abilities, etc.

Keep in mind ignoring your little is not a punishment but abuse. (This includes not talking, texting or interacting with your little for a certain amount of time)

 

 

 

 

 

What is a Dom?

‘Dom’ is short for ‘dominant’ and it is, in short, when one person has full power, control, and or influence over another. A dom takes on the responsibility of leading, guiding, disciplining, and protecting its sub (submissive).

 

What Makes a ‘Good’ Dom?

Being a dom may seem easy, but it actually requires a lot of intuition, balance, intelligence, self-awareness, compassion, communication, responsibility, and respect. 

Not only that, but the things that make one ‘good’ are also subjective depending on the sub, how one handles pre-defined boundaries and rules, and how they communicate with each other.

 

Objectively, being a ‘good’ dom encompasses:

Being respectful (when in public): whether the d/s relationship is solely for the bedroom or it’s practiced 24/7, a dom should be respectful of their sub at all times, but especially in front of others (unless otherwise stated). Being belittled or humiliated in public does not show respect.

 

Having a firm grasp of control and what it means: a dom whose life has passion, priorities, goals, and aspirations that they’re actively working towards can be an excellent indication of a ‘good’ dom. Self-discipline and self-control is an important aspect in the d/s relationship.

 

Keeping promises: being a dom is all about responsibility. If a dom proves that they can stick to their word, be reliable, and accountable, that is a great sign.

 

Sharing interests: while this one is subjective, the success of a d/s relationship depends on whether both partners are actively interested in and intrigued by the same kinds of things.

 

Being open to criticism: a ‘good’ dom will have a nurturing and compassionate side, and in this way, they’re open to communication—be it praise or criticism. They’re also usually very inquisitive, and eager to learn and improve.

 

Creativity: some may argue that taking on the role of ‘dom’ is an art form. A ‘good’ dom will be inspiring, creative, fun, and playful. They’ll also realise that there is always room for growth, improvement, and new and innovative ways in which to enjoy the d/s relationship.

 

Kindness: one of the most important aspects of the d/s relationships, is aftercare that is, after play time, the dom will cuddle, talk to, embrace, and or make sure that the sub is comfortable and happy. This is a way in which to show respect and kindness towards their sub, and to let them know that they will not be discarded after play time but rather, cherished.

 

Understanding: a dom will wholeheartedly abide by what their sub wants and needs. They will respect their boundaries and limits, and tailor the relationship according to the sub’s comfortability, willingness, and intrigue.

Selflessness: a ‘good’ dom will not focus solely on their own needs and gaining self-pleasure or satisfaction. It is about making their sub’s happiness and wellbeing a priority, and not acting in a selfish and self-fulfilling manner.

Intelligence: a d/s relationship is not only about physical action, but oftentimes mental stimulation and connection. This is why so many doms are highly intelligent, as they seek intense mental exchanges.

 

Self-awareness: a ‘good’ dom will be able to know their strengths and limitations. They have a firm grasp of who they are, what they want, and how they can achieve their goals while being open to learn and improve.

 

Trustworthiness: In order for a d/s relationship to flourish, trust is one of the most important factors. A dom must too prove themselves to their sub, showing that they genuinely care about and respect them. In this way, the sub’s safety and wellbeing is a priority for the dom.

 

A ‘Good’ Dom & a ‘Bad’ Dom

A ‘good’ dom will gently influence a sub’s thoughts and desires, while being mindful and considerate. They will actively listen to their sub and learn from them in order to create a dynamic that is fulfilling, satisfying, and mutually beneficial.

In contrast, a ‘bad’ dom will mistake being dominant for domineering. They may come across as rude and hungry for control and power regardless of their sub’s needs. They will demand respect while acting disrespectfully, such as using threats, belittling their sub, or going beyond the sub’s limits.

 

Plot Twist: The Dom Doesn’t Really Have All the Control

At a glance, those who are unfamiliar with the BDSM lifestyle may assume that all of the power and control lies in the hands of the dominant… this is, in fact, not true. A dominant is not the only one in charge.

Contrarily, it is actually the sub who holds all of the cards, as it is their willingness to give up full control that ultimately allows for the dom to have power and control. 

A ‘good’ dom will have set boundaries with their sub to ensure that they are always comfortable and safe, and consent is a priority in the d/s relationship. A ‘good’ dom will not do anything that their sub does not want or desire, and they place the sub’s needs at the same level, or even higher, than their own.

 

 

 

 

 

What is vetting?

 

“Vetting a new partner” means making sure they are who they say they are and doing your best to make sure they’re safe. It’s an old school practice in BDSM that gets ignored too often in today’s meet-online-first world. Before you get kinky with someone for the first time, do your homework on who this person is instead of just taking their word for it.

 

How should I vet someone?

 

Check their online profiles.

 

This works even if you met online first. Scroll through their social media profiles. What (if anything) do they say about themselves? Do they interact with people in ways that make you feel comfortable? Are they saying things that make you uncomfortable or go against your own morals or ethics? Who the hell are they online?

 

Don’t ignore negative feelings, either. Yes, we need full context to understand conversations, but don’t shrug off the things that ripple in the wind like gigantic-ass red flags, either. This potential partner might not know it, but their online profile tells you who they are — believe them.

 

TALK TO PAST PARTNERS

 

This one can be the hardest to do, especially if you’ve only met online but if you can, we highly recommend talking to past partners. If you meet someone in your local community, you can ask around.  if you knew each other online before getting together, it might be worth reaching out to their former partners online. But don’t be afraid to ask if they have references. Tell them you want to make sure they’re safe to play with. If they reject that, it might be all the information about them you need.

 

Yes, of course, past partners can say whatever they want. But if MULTIPLE people tell you the same thing — good or bad — it’s important information to pay attention to.

 

PAY ATTENTION TO ACTIONS, BEHAVIORS, AND PATTERNS

 

Anyone can say the right thing. Some “Doms” and even “subs” pay attention to what others say to learn the language of DDLG and BDSM and repeat it at anyone who will listen. Words aren’t completely unimportant but that shouldn’t be your main source of information. It’s not what someone says that matters as much as what they do. If their actions don’t match their words, that’s a very bad sign.

 

And yes, anyone can fuck up once or twice, so that’s why it’s important to look at patterns. Some people are smart enough not to do the same thing twice, but if you’re constantly dealing with an “Oops, I forgot” or “Oh, my bad” kind of thing, that’s a pattern — even when the behavior is completely different each time.

 

I vetted them now what?

 

MEET IN PUBLIC FIRST

 

For the first meeting, start at a restaurant, coffee shop SOMEWHERE that isn’t their home or yours. A good way to weed out the fakes is how quickly they decline the invite to meet in public. Doing this keeps you safe AND makes it easier to get away if you decide not to continue the date.

 

Set up a safe call.

 

Let someone you trust know you’re meeting someone new — and where. They don’t have to know it’s for a kinky date, just that you’re meeting someone new. Give them a time when you’ll call or text and a time to check-in with you if you forget. And if they don’t hear from you, they need to call the police and let them know where you should be. A safe and experienced person may tell you to do this, anyway, which is a good thing. But it’s more important that the person you’re meeting not react negatively to the idea of a safe call. If they do, RUN.

 

 

 

Mental Abuse

You probably know many of the more obvious signs of mental and emotional abuse. But when you’re in the midst of it, it can be easy to miss the persistent undercurrent of abusive behavior.

Psychological abuse involves a person’s attempts to frighten, control, or isolate you. It’s in the abuser’s words and actions. you don’t deserve it and it’s not your fault.

These are some tactics are meant to undermine your self-esteem. The abuse is harsh and unrelenting in matters big and small.

Here are some examples:

• Name-calling. They’ll  blatantly call you “stupid,” “a loser,” or words too awful  to repeat here.

Derogatory “pet  names.” This is just more name-calling in  not-so-subtle disguise. “My little knuckle dragger” or “My  chubby pumpkin” aren’t terms of endearment.

• Character  assassination. This usually involves the word  “always.” You’re always late, wrong, screwing up,  disagreeable, and so on. Basically, they say you’re not a good  person.

• Yelling. Yelling,  screaming, and swearing are meant to intimidate and make you feel  small and inconsequential. It might be accompanied by fist-pounding  or throwing things.

• Patronizing. “Aw,  sweetie, I know you try, but this is just beyond your  understanding.”

• Public embarrassment. They  pick fights, expose your secrets, or make fun of your shortcomings  in public.

• Dismissiveness. You  tell them about something that’s important to you and they say  it’s nothing. Body language like eye-rolling, smirking,  headshaking, and sighing help convey the same message.

• “Joking.” The  jokes might have a grain of truth to them or be a complete  fabrication. Either way, they make you look foolish.

• Sarcasm. Often  just a dig in disguise. When you object, they claim to have been  teasing and tell you to stop taking everything so seriously.

• Insults of your  appearance. They tell you, just before you go out, that  your hair is ugly or your outfit is clownish.

• Belittling your  accomplishments. Your abuser might tell you that your  achievements mean nothing, or they may even claim responsibility for  your success.

• Put-downs of your  interests. They might tell you that your hobby is a  childish waste of time or you’re out of your league when you play  sports. Really, it’s that they’d rather you not participate in  activities without them.

• Pushing your buttons. Once your abuser  knows about something that annoys you, they’ll bring it up or do  it every chance they get.

• Threats. Telling  you they’ll take the kids and disappear, or saying “There’s no  telling what I might do.”

• Monitoring your  whereabouts. They want to know where you are all the  time and insist that you respond to calls or texts immediately. They  might show up just to see if you’re where you’re supposed to be.

• Digital spying. They  might check your internet history, emails, texts, and call log. They  might even demand your passwords.

• Unilateral  decision-making. They might close a joint bank  account, cancel your doctor’s appointment, or speak with your boss  without asking.

• Financial control. They  might keep bank accounts in their name only and make you ask for  money. You might be expected to account for every penny you spend.

• Lecturing. Belaboring  your errors with long monologues makes it clear they think you’re  beneath them.

• Direct orders. From  “Get my dinner on the table now” to “Stop taking the pill,”  orders are expected to be followed despite your plans to the  contrary.

• Outbursts. You  were told to cancel that outing with your friend or put the car in  the garage, but didn’t, so now you have to put up with a red-faced  tirade about how uncooperative you are.

• Treating you like a  child. They tell you what to wear, what and how much  to eat, or which friends you can see.

• Feigned helplessness. They  may say they don’t know how to do something. Sometimes it’s  easier to do it yourself than to explain it. They know this and take  advantage of it.

• Unpredictability. They’ll  explode with rage out of nowhere, suddenly shower you with  affection, or become dark and moody at the drop of a hat to keep you  walking on eggshells.

• They walk out. In  a social situation, stomping out of the room leaves you holding the  bag. At home, it’s a tool to keep the problem unresolved.

• Using others. Abusers may tell you that  “everybody” thinks you’re crazy or “they all say” you’re  wrong.

• Jealousy. They  accuse you of flirting or cheating on them.

• Turning the tables. They  say you cause their rage and control issues by being such a pain.

• Denying something you know  is true. An abuser will deny that an argument or even  an agreement took place. This is called gaslighting It’s meant to  make you question your own memory and sanity.

• Using guilt. They  might say something like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve  done for you,” in an attempt to get their way.

• Goading then  blaming. Abusers know just how to upset you. But once  the trouble starts, it’s your fault for creating it.

• Denying their abuse. When  you complain about their attacks, abusers will deny it, seemingly  bewildered at the very thought of it.

• Accusing you of  abuse. They say you’re the one who has anger and  control issues and they’re the helpless victim.

• Trivializing. When  you want to talk about your hurt feelings, they accuse you of  overreacting and making mountains out of molehills.

• Saying you have no sense  of humor. Abusers make personal jokes about you. If  you object, they’ll tell you to lighten up.

• Blaming you for their  problems. Whatever’s wrong in their life is all your  fault. You’re not supportive enough, didn’t do enough, or stuck  your nose where it didn’t belong.

• Destroying and denying. They might  crack your cell phone screen or “lose” your car keys, then deny  it.

• Demanding respect. No  perceived slight will go unpunished, and you’re expected to defer  to them. But it’s a one-way street.

• Shutting down  communication. They’ll ignore your attempts at  conversation in person, by text, or by phone.

• Dehumanizing you. They’ll  look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when they  speak to you.

• Keeping you from  socializing. Whenever you have plans to go out, they  come up with a distraction or beg you not to go.

• Trying to come between you  and your family. They’ll tell family members that  you don’t want to see them or make excuses why you can’t attend  family functions.

• Withholding  affection. They won’t touch you, not even to hold  your hand or pat you on the shoulder. They may refuse sexual  relations to punish you or to get you to do something.

• Tuning you out. They’ll  wave you off, change the subject, or just plain ignore you when you  want to talk about your relationship.

• Actively working to turn  others against you. They’ll tell co-workers,  friends, and even your family that you’re unstable and prone to  hysterics.

• Calling you needy. When  you’re really down and out and reach out for support, they’ll  tell you you’re too needy or the world can’t stop turning for  your little problems.

• Interrupting. You’re  on the phone or texting and they get in your face to let you know  your attention should be on them.

• Indifference. They  see you hurt or crying and do nothing.

• Disputing your feelings. Whatever you  feel, they’ll say you’re wrong to feel that way or that’s not  really what you feel at all.

Mental Play

Mental play is a type of psychological BDSM play which causes a submissive player to have an emotional response. Emotional play typically inspires negative and yet often cathartic emotions including shame, fear, and humiliation. Mental play is considered a type of edge play, as it has the power to permanently damage a submissive, leaving mental and psychological scars that can never be healed.

MENTAL PLAY CAN CAUSE PERMANENT MENTAL DAMAGE AND IS NOT FOR ALL DOMS AND SUBS

Like physical play, Mental play is also accompanied by safe words.

Mental play may take many forms. Dominants may criticize their submissive’s personal flaws or weaknesses. They might ignore their submissives, particularly after they’ve cooked a delicious meal or cleaned the house. Dominants may also pretend they are cheating on their submissives.

Mental play appeals to emotional sadists and dominants who get sexual pleasure from the emotional pain of their submissive partners, as well as emotional masochists, who get sexual pleasure from feeling emotional pain.

Since Mental play is considered edge play and, therefore, dangerous, it’s vital that dominant and submissive individuals clearly discuss their limits and expectations before engaging in it. Safe words can ensure Mental play  does not go beyond a submissive’s limits. Aftercare is also important to make sure both dominant and submissive are emotionally content once the submissive has been “emotionally broken.” As with other BDSM activities, mental play  MUST  be consensual. Otherwise it is considered emotional abuse. Its safest to avoid emotional play when the players are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. These substances can cause people to have more intense reactions to negative emotions than they might normally.

 

Edited July 20, 2023 by Softie.Sleepy

[beanbean]

I mean bad anything in any relationship can be dangerous. so always be careful in any vetting process ask lots of questions get to know someone really well  before anything.just always be careful 

[Little kaiya]

I'd say a bad submissive can be just as dangerous and damaging. Doms aren't the only person in the relationship and putting everything in their head is dangerous and misleading.

[Kittenlikestocuddle]

@Softie.Sleepy

Amazing post! 👏👏👏