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Is this a red flag or not? I'm confused!


Lolitadisney

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Hi!

I've started to date a guy recently (we have not entered DDLG lifestyle yet, but we'll start soon). We've decided to have an open relationship dynamic.

Everything is alright. He treats me very well. I'm very happy.

The thing is, he's very interested in sex and he thought to have a threesome with one of my friends although they don't have a close relationship at all. I don't have any problem with that due to our type of relationship but she thinks the fact he has this kind of sexual thoughts is a red flag. Actually, his former girlfriend broke up with him because she didn't like the fact he's so focused on sex. 

I want to know your opinion, do you consider this a red flag or not?

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Someone being interested in sex isn't an automatic red flag to me. It depends on what that entails, do they think of other things. Do they respect boundaries. Etc. Etc. 

Personally I'm in a polyamorous relationship with my Wife and Boyfriend/ Daddy, one of whom is interested in sex and one who isn't. 

If you're ok with an open relationship, something I admit I couldn't do, then it makes sense he's going to think/talk about/ want sex with other people. So no, not a red flag because you and he agreed it's ok.

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I mean in general I don't think so or really have enough info to say .lot of guys are like that .but you need figure out if thats what you really want and you need to talk him and set limits and boundaries and definitely not do anything with your friend 

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I as a guy have a high sex drive an being in my 40s has not changed that , i love everything to do with it but i also have other interest to , my little on the other hand has health issues an cant keep up . But i also respect her no means no an i dont run out to find another to mess with . Even tho we are poly we both agree on who i play with , i also find things to do , in my 20s i wanted 3some all the time, to be honest u two should talk it out an if ur happy and if he respects u in all ways then do whatever makes you happy 

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You said recently started dating. How recent is recent? Honestly, I think people have a tendency in the beginning of relationships to agree to things they don't really agree to...like an open relationship. I get it, at first you don't know how things will go, so you say sure. Then as you like a person that changes... but you have to say so.

I don't think being interested in sex in and of itself is a red flag. Sex for the most part is part of human nature. It interest in it at the expense of other elements of the relationship or personal development would worry me. I have a decent sex drive myself but that's not all there is to any relationship. How much experience does your partner have with various D/s dynamics? I'm curious if he's uneducated in it and thinking it's all sex.

Personally, I know I couldn't be in either a poly or open relationship. It would not bring out anything cute in me!!! The only thing I know to say is if you changed your mind and want different boundaries you have to say so. Better to know than stay in a relationship that causes you hurt.

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At face value, it doesn't sound like a red flag. You have stated being OK with an open relationship and no problem with doing a threesome. Your friend's needs/interests sound different. Preferences that don't match up doesn't mean automatic red flag. What red flags are:

- overstepping or ignoring boundaries set

- lying or keeping secrets that affects another person in the relationship

- addictions that they refuse to seek help for or to work on to reduce harm

- not making consent a priority

I could go on, but it's basically characteristics not preferences. What matters is how this guy you're dating responds to your friend's rejection about having a threesome. We don't know enough about his character.

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There is a big difference between being highly sexual and a sex addict or having unhealthy needs and desires.  If you Google sexual addiction test, there are dozens that take just minutes to take.  Most of these basic quick tests ask the same questions .  I’ve included one with the standard questions.  I know someone who is a sex addict, and it has affected their life in numerous ways.

 

https://saa-recovery.org/am-i-a-sex-addict/self-assessment/

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Hi, guys!

Thank you very much for your answers. It's very interesting to read you.

We've been dating for a month (that's why I've said it's very recent and we need to get to know each other better & so on).

He respects me. He respects our boundaries. He's very nice & kind to me. So far, it's been a healthy relationship.

He respects her answer but he does not understand why people find his intense sexual drive so surprising to say the least. 

Most part of our conversations are about sex so I'm not sure if he'll be able to provide me with the emotional connection and support I need to enter a DDLG proper dynamic. I'm not worried about that. Actually, I'm not closed to meet other people and so on due to the type of relationship we have.

I'd like to know him better in more aspects, not only the sexual one (obviously). But I need to be patient because he has not gotten over his past relationship (he needs time to heal & he's still in love with his former girlfriend. I respect that but it sucks a bit, though)

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I mean, he was one of my friends since 2017 more or less but we've never dated until now because I was in a romantic relationship with one of his friends that lasted 9 years. Then, I broke up with that boyfriend. I was in a toxic relationship with a guy that lasted several months. I was broken and he helped me a lot to recover. Up to the point, he told me he was in love with me and he would wait until I felt good enough to decide if I wanted to start a relationship with him or not. We talked and we decided that the best for us right now is to have an open relationship and, if we need to have another type of relationship, we can talk about that.

For me, it's always been very easy to talk to him because he's very open-minded and nice. A gentleman with daddy vibes, I'd even say. LOL.

But he is very cold when it comes to feelings. Idk. I'm used to the romantic kind of dude and he isn't like that at all. I don't care because I'm happy right now. I'm optimistic about us. 

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When you add this all up, I’m sorry, but I do see some things you may want to closely think about. 
 

You mentioned his old girlfriend broke up with him because of how focused he was on sex. That’s concerning and something that you don’t hear very often.  The fact that most of your conversations are about sex,  could be an issue or become one quickly.

It sounds like your girlfriend feels uncomfortable with his desires to include her in a threesome.  That’s understandable .  As far as him being a daddy, you would need to be comfortable with him being cold with his feelings. 
 

I think you recognize the areas of concern as well as the positives with your friend.  You just need to decide what you want.

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