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I locked little me in my brain closet


Allex

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I dont know when it happened, but I talked to her and put her in my brain closet and she’s not allowed to come out. I know it was over 5 years agoWhen I tried to dip my boyfriend’s toes in the water of little space, he was so obviously annoyed/ thought I was weird. I would throw in baby talk, and he would actually just say “stop talking like that.”My love for stuffies are the only thing I’ve allowed out into the real world, because I guess it’s acceptable for a girl in her 20s to have them. Even then though, my boyfriend makes comments about them and teases me about how I have too many.. he’s even wanted to give one of them to our dog.This is why little me isn’t allowed out of the brain closet. If I let her out in private, me/her will just be sad that my boyfriend has a 0% chance of being a CG, and a 95% chance of him thinking I’m weird. AND it would be harder to hide it if I just let her out whenever. It’s a 0 tolerance policy. She does slip out though, because I know it’s just who I am and what I need, but it just makes me so sad.Today little me came out. She hasn’t been out in years. I’ve talked to her in my head a lot about why it’s like this, but she hasn’t presented herself in the real world. So, I just went into my real closet, sat down, and let her look at all the new things that have changed. She was excited for a bit, looking at all my sweaters, then it got sad really quickly.“He will never be my CG, he thinks adults having stuffies is stupid, he doesn’t like baby talk, and he even doesn’t understand why I wear his shirts. I will never have chicken nuggets on a plate while watching cartoons and snuggling. I liked it better when I was locked in the brain closet. At least then I had hope. Now I’m just sad.”I just wanted to protect her and myself. There is 0 time in my schedule to bring little me out, and when there is, all she wants is for my boyfriend to be daddy, which is never going to happen. I wish I could just get rid of her completely.Now I’m struggling with if I should even be little when I can. Do I let her come out, and possibly have an embarrassing baby voice/little space slip up? Or do I keep her hidden, to keep me AND her safe.I guess I’ve kinda separated big me and little me into two separate people as a coping mechanism. Sometimes I feel like my own CG, when I explain im only trying to protect her. I would never want anyone else to be my CG but my boyfriend.“I just want to have fun… I don’t want to be stuck in the brain closet or the real closet. I want to be a princess, but big me has too many sponsibilities. And she doesn’t want boyfriend to know.. but then when I came out I’m sad a little bit. I cried alone in the real closet. She doesn’t even have stuffies in her main closet.. They are all hidden in storage closet downstairs. I want to scribble. I want a lot of stuff I can’t have.”

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No reason to hide it. Your little side is a part of you, a wonderful part of you. I know you care about your boyfriend but if he cant respect who you are then its not going to work. Never hide who you are. Being a little is a magical part of who you are. Find articles on DDLG and show him,explain that you have been hiding too long. He doesnt need to be your cg but ask for his respect and support of being the princess you are

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Never hide that part of you. Doing so is denying a part of yourself and doing that means you're walking around without a part of yourself. Which in turn is making you miserable. I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't deny parts of himself for you. Why should you do that to yourself? 

My sister once told me, to "grow up!" Which hurt me deeply because it was said out of anger. My answer to her was, "I'd rather act young and be happy then act as an adult and be miserable!" She's never commented on it again. (No, she doesn't know about me being little). What I'm tying to say is,  denying Any part of yourself for anyone is just wrong. I hope you find peace and happiness.🤗

Edited by Juju
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I could have written this myself. Without trauma dumping, I'm in a similar situation. It sucks so bad. I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you. It's a crappy place to be. You do not deserve this now and you never have. There is nothing you could do that could make you deserve this if you're the person you seem like you are.  You know?

For what it's worth though, you can't hide her forever. I've learned that the hard way a couple of times. We can't hide them forever and why should we? My little is in the closet too - I call it the basement though lol she's safe as long as she stays down there, like I'm trying to be her cg. I do it to cope too. I completely understand what you are feeling and want you to know you are seen and heard and not alone. And I'm so sorry. Pm me anytime.

Sending you so many hugs. So, so many hugs. Big you and little you. 

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