Patience Grasshopper

[pipsqueak79]

Patience is not my strong suit.  That being said,  I'm in love.  I'm in love with someone who can't currently or may never love me back.  I'm terrified and have took to sucking my thumb again,  something I haven't done in a very long time.  

I have been away from the little life for a while but it re-emerged. I've found myself beginning more little behaviors the more I realize I want to be with the one I love. I put this out there because I need help on how to be little and vulnerable and still just a friend.  Because even if he never loves me I can't lose him. 

[pipsqueak79]

1 hour ago, GayKitten said:

 

Hiya! This probably isn’t the feel-good advice or “here’s the magical solution” reply you may be hoping for, so please take a deep breath before reading, and give yourself time to process.

So, first of all, it’s EXTREMELY important that you clarify to yourself EXACTLY what you mean by “I’m in love.” Not knowing your age or general life/relationship experience, I have no particular opinions on what you MIGHT mean by this — but here are some questions that may help to answer:

1. Can you tell the difference between a “crush” (usually a situational feeling, that can be innocent and does not demand any action/communication; it may just naturally go away, and need not be expressed because of that), an “interest” (the early stages of vetting someone for a potentially more serious relationship, probably marked by envisioning a relationship together), and being “in love” (decidedly serious, unlikely to go away on its own, probably entails a strong sense of attachment that would hurt a lot if severed)? I’m married and in my mid-30s, but I’d say I’ve only been in love 3 times, that I no longer experience interest in others, and that crushes are still common and short-lived (and even healthy, if handled correctly).
2. Have you been in love before, and was that love reciprocated? Frankly, it’s a LOT easier to tell the three categories above apart if you’ve simply experienced them before. So, do you have prior experience to help understand what you’re feeling — or is it literally the first time, and it’s all very new (and probably overwhelming and confusing)?

 

So, unfortunately, that’s the EASY part — here’s the uncomfortable stuff. (Deep breath!)

I don’t know what your current relationship to this person is (friend? Best friend? Coworker? Neighbor? Online contact?)…but you need to consider this: “How would this person feel if I told them / they found out I’m in love with them?” Is there any chance they would reciprocate? Would they be surprised, maybe a little freaked out? How do you think THEIR feelings and behaviors would change if they knew how you felt? Would they need to suddenly be extra careful with their words, or more afraid of upsetting you? Would they feel pressured to TRY to be interested romantically, for fear of losing you otherwise?

The point I’m getting at is: depending on how serious YOUR feelings are, this may be putting your friend in a VERY unfair and uncomfortable position. If things were reversed, and someone surprised you by revealing “I love you!”, how would you react? Would you still be able to be friends with them, knowing how they felt? Would you be able to trust that they WEREN’T trying to pressure you into a relationship?

So unfortunately….depending on the exact nature of your feelings, and how much EXPRESSION you feel they need….you may not be able to continue to stay “just friends.” Friendships are relationships too that are also built on trust and comfort — and if your feelings may make them uncomfortable, then….the solution may be to simply spend time apart, and revisit your friendship later, once your emotions have settled.

 

Good luck! This is definitely a tricky situation, and will require some hard introspection to figure out how to proceed. But just remember to reflect on: “how would I feel if a friend said this to me?” 💖

I certainly appreciate the reply.  I've been waiting on some honest feedback on this. So, I'm 44, twice divorced.  I've been in love before.  I've known this person,  albeit online- yes,  for 6 to 7 years, but we do talk offline as well.  He's aware of how I feel,  says it's ok though odd to process. We've been in a dynamic before but it failed quickly because I screwed it up. I don't want to do that this time but I do most certainly understand any and all hesitation and up to possibly denial.  But I'm terrified still. I want to give him space to figure things out and decide what he wants,  but I want us to be able to still talk as friends in the meantime.  Here's where I'm struggling,  to not always tell him I love him and blah blah blah. You know? That has to stop because I know it's making him uncomfortable even though he's says it's ok.  I don't know,  I just feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. But I'm willing to give him the time he needs.  And if all we can be is friends,  *sigh* I'll figure out how to let go of the rest I suppose.  

 

Edited May 20, 2024 by pipsqueak79

[pipsqueak79]

Any other advisement out there?

[EllieTheHauntedStarship]

Heres some patience exercises:

Yang Tai-Chi

Practice alphabets from around the world. Not learning the langauges, just the shapes and stuff.

Go further with what Kay suggested and write down your thoughts, then go through them and think about the consequences of the thoughts. This way you can revisit them and see if your thoughts/consequences change with your mood.

Just squibble the heck out of paper. This is more for getting frustration out lol

I know this probably isn't what you had in mind, but these exercises helped me in being more patient when I talk to people and we're having a misunderstanding. So maybe they'll help you.