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Disapointing my little, being a bad daddy.


Caring King
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A little over a month into the role of being a daddy, and my little doesn't want to be a little anymore; the reason being- the ddlg aspect of our relationship is causing too many conflicts. It's very heartwrenching to know that I've been such a bad a dd to where my love wants to take away such a large part of her, and our relationship. She is my first little, and I haven't even heard of ddlg before september, so after reading some of the advice and guidelines to new daddies I knew it'd be hard for me to properly care for her.

 

I've gotten a little into reading advice and tips for new daddies, and I have a few notes saved on my desktop, but a week after I "dedicated myself" to learning the DD way... I pretty much stopped that. I'm not sure how to be dedicated in learning. I'm bad at setting habits and this became no expection. Now it's hurting my little. I want to make her feel happy and welcomed as a little, as my love. I want to be the support she needs and the daddy she deserves. But with the way it's looking... I'm not sure I'm dedicated enough in learning how. I tell her I'm new and I'll figure it out with her help, but even she doesn't know how to help me.

 

I don't want to give up on being what she needs, but then again I struggle at learning how to fill that role. I'm not naturally fitting to the role, except for the wish to care for her. I want to develop the skills, yet I don't put the work in for it. I honestly feel really stuck between what I want and what I am.

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Coming from a perspective of a person that knows quite a bit about, fighting between what I want and with who I am.

 

So the only difference here, is really which one do you want more. Do you want to change who you are and better yourself, or do you want to stay as you are. Basically everything you do or not do, is a habit that has been set to a particular path, That path can be changed, and depending on what it is, there are different ways of making the change. There are core instincts and feelings that determine your base character, but most things that people say define them are actually choices that can be changed if you are willing to work on it. 

 

Now, if you make the choice to change, it is not for her that you are changing who you are, otherwise it will not work, You have to change yourself for you to be a better person, because you want to care for her. But you are changing you for you.

If you make the choice to be who you are, either you will have to accept the fact that you will be hurting her by causing conflict while she is a little, which will make her not what to be a little, or you will need to talk to her, and between the 2 of you, figure out if you are actually the correct person to be with her.

 

Only you can make the choice to change or not to change your ways. 

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The thing that concerns me is you saying you aren't naturally fit for the role. If being a Daddy isn't something that you are doing for you and something you wholeheartedly enjoy, I don't think it'll work. You can't be a Daddy just because a little wants you to, and vice versa. It shouldn't be something you have to force and stay on top of. It'd be like trying to be an accountant if you don't have the aptitude for math.
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Mate, no one can advise you without knowing the personal details. But that isn't for us to know. Find a Dominant you can trust, and talk with him. 

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I'm no Daddy, but as a little a few things in your post concern me.

 

Your little wanting to shut off this part of herself...it might be possible to ignore it. But I guarantee if she is indeed little, it will not go away. Sure she can ignore it, not participate, but I assure you she will miss that part of herself. When my dynamic is messed up, it affects my little side, and I don't last one week. I miss it, it's part of me, there's nothing I can do about it. If she feels she has to "shut off being little" she very well could start resenting you.

 

The way you say you don't fit into the role is concering. I wouldn't say every Daddy 100% fits the role, but most feel very strong urges about it..being protective, wanting to nurture, wanting to guide and love, and of course some of the other parts..are like second nature, how that person is. Sure you can learn how to be a Daddy, most new Daddy's need help. But if your heart isn't in it, it will start to feel like a job or a chore, and that will suck the life out of your dynamic.

 

You say you aren't focused on learning, which makes me wonder if your heart is really in it. Most subjects I've come across that I want to learn about, I jump into as much information as I can. But that's just me.

 

I think you really need to have some time to think about if YOU really want to have a ddlg relationship. Forget about what your little wants or expects..because if YOU aren't in it, your little won't get want she needs/wants from you. Especially if you feel stuck between who you are and what you want. Please....put the ddlg dynamic on hold, and think about these things.

 

<3

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It's sounds like you're trying to follow rules and guidelines!

 

When I first learned I was a little, I spoke to my husband and told him how I felt. He agreed to be a Daddys figure to me (which he sort of already was in a more Vanilla sense) and I put a lot of pressure on him to follow daddy rules. After months of feeling let down and him feeling like a failure, I decided to stop pressuring him and start learning who I was as a little. He began to learn who I was in this new sense and was able to fit into his daddy role. He in turn, learned about himself. And together we worked it out.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say, is stop trying to follow other people's rules and make your own. Ask your little to talk to you and get to know her, take it easy, it won't happen overnight!

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Guest MyDaddyMyWorld

If you aren't a daddy, that's that. You've been trying too hard and treating it like a project, but the studying got too hard.

I'd seriously take that as a sign you aren't compatible. You sound very insecure and "young" and possibly only want to do this so she will like you and stay with you. No. Do NOT do that.

She needs to feel comfortable expressing who she is. That's the same for anything, not just in this situation.

She's not comfortable with you, you aren't comfortable trying to fit her ideal. This is not who you are. Honestly, not worth it in my opinion.

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Guest littlemissragamuffin
Don't worry so much about titles. Love doesn't need titles. Relationships need love and trust to work, not titles. If your not a Daddy Dom then your not. You can't make yourself something your not. The important thing is that you love her, you want to take care of her and protect her. You don't have to be a Daddy to love and care for a Little. You two need to talk about your relationship and what you guys what out of it. That's pretty much it. You two need to do what's right for your relationship. Just because other people do their relationships in a current way doesn't make it right for you. Maybe you have a completely different Daddy Style maybe your just not a Daddy. You want to be there for her and you want to meet her needs, that's a huge thing. Talk things over and find what works for your relationship, and remember everyone is different and that's ok.
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Thank you all for your responses, you're support is very appreciated. I have a lot of confusion with this, but also a lot of hope that we can get through this, and I can grow to be what I'm looking for.

 

 

Coming from a perspective of a person that knows quite a bit about, fighting between what I want and with who I am.

 

So the only difference here, is really which one do you want more. Do you want to change who you are and better yourself, or do you want to stay as you are. Basically everything you do or not do, is a habit that has been set to a particular path, That path can be changed, and depending on what it is, there are different ways of making the change. There are core instincts and feelings that determine your base character, but most things that people say define them are actually choices that can be changed if you are willing to work on it. 

 

Now, if you make the choice to change, it is not for her that you are changing who you are, otherwise it will not work, You have to change yourself for you to be a better person, because you want to care for her. But you are changing you for you.

There are certain things in how I feel that make me want to cradle her in my arms or tuck her in bed at night. Though I have a lot left to understand about ddlg there are some things in me that I feel are in tune with the nurturing and supportive roles that I think fits my role. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but I'm looking to be supportive for her, so that I can be the caring person I want to be. I want to be the a better person, and with her, this is how. Similar to how a relationship has two sides, I have a wish to fulfill the duty for both of us.

 

The thing that concerns me is you saying you aren't naturally fit for the role. If being a Daddy isn't something that you are doing for you and something you wholeheartedly enjoy, I don't think it'll work. You can't be a Daddy just because a little wants you to, and vice versa. It shouldn't be something you have to force and stay on top of. It'd be like trying to be an accountant if you don't have the aptitude for math.

I disagree with "being an accountant if you don't have aptitude for math" scenario. If you really want something, you can develop the skills. Even if you're not naturally gifted with the talent. Now, I believe I do have some of the traits of a successful daddy such as being caring, wishing to see the well being of my little, and encouraging her. The problem I had was the more aggressive aspects and finding balance in them. Setting rules and punishment, for example. And I do enjoy being a daddy! It's something wonderful in my experience of it... Even if I don't have it all together yet.
 

 

I'm no Daddy, but as a little a few things in your post concern me.

Your little wanting to shut off this part of herself...it might be possible to ignore it. But I guarantee if she is indeed little, it will not go away. Sure she can ignore it, not participate, but I assure you she will miss that part of herself. When my dynamic is messed up, it affects my little side, and I don't last one week. I miss it, it's part of me, there's nothing I can do about it. If she feels she has to "shut off being little" she very well could start resenting you.

The way you say you don't fit into the role is concering. I wouldn't say every Daddy 100% fits the role, but most feel very strong urges about it..being protective, wanting to nurture, wanting to guide and love, and of course some of the other parts..are like second nature, how that person is. Sure you can learn how to be a Daddy, most new Daddy's need help. But if your heart isn't in it, it will start to feel like a job or a chore, and that will suck the life out of your dynamic.

You say you aren't focused on learning, which makes me wonder if your heart is really in it. Most subjects I've come across that I want to learn about, I jump into as much information as I can. But that's just me.

I think you really need to have some time to think about if YOU really want to have a ddlg relationship. Forget about what your little wants or expects..because if YOU aren't in it, your little won't get want she needs/wants from you. Especially if you feel stuck between who you are and what you want. Please....put the ddlg dynamic on hold, and think about these things.

<3

I've spoke to her greatly that it's something she can not and should not keep from herself. It makes her happy, and it's a side of her even if she were to deny it. I have no intention of having her suppress it. I'm not sure what parts I should have that I don't in the nature of being a daddy, but I do feel I'm too soft. I have trouble setting rules and punishments because I'm not sure what's fair or not. I am however very fond of being caring for her needs and helping her development, such as making sure she gets good sleep. I definitely want to be a good daddy, this is by no means a chore! I'm not one to ever study a topic, I'm a person quick to give up on things, even what I enjoy. It's a horrible trait and currently my problem. I don't think I want to put the ddlg aspect on hold. I love to see her little side and I want to see what I am capable of as a daddy.

 

 

It's sounds like you're trying to follow rules and guidelines!

When I first learned I was a little, I spoke to my husband and told him how I felt. He agreed to be a Daddys figure to me (which he sort of already was in a more Vanilla sense) and I put a lot of pressure on him to follow daddy rules. After months of feeling let down and him feeling like a failure, I decided to stop pressuring him and start learning who I was as a little. He began to learn who I was in this new sense and was able to fit into his daddy role. He in turn, learned about himself. And together we worked it out.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is stop trying to follow other people's rules and make your own. Ask your little to talk to you and get to know her, take it easy, it won't happen overnight!

There's a lot of help guides for new daddies, and as a stranger to the subject, I feel those are the best start. A lot of what they say is to keep learning and read up on others experiences and suggestions. I'm kinda bad at setting paces, I tend to jump the gun, then slack off and then restart it... I'm afraid if I don't figure this out that it will causes problems for us, so i guess I'm in a rush.

 

 

If you aren't a daddy, that's that. You've been trying too hard and treating it like a project, but the studying got too hard.
I'd seriously take that as a sign you aren't compatible. You sound very insecure and "young" and possibly only want to do this so she will like you and stay with you. No. Do NOT do that.
She needs to feel comfortable expressing who she is. That's the same for anything, not just in this situation.
She's not comfortable with you, you aren't comfortable trying to fit her ideal. This is not who you are. Honestly, not worth it in my opinion.

One of the things I've seen is good daddies are typically older, have experience, responsible... etc. It's true, I am young. But my reasons for making her happy aren't so that she'll stay with me. It's because she deserves to be happy and I want her happy. If push comes to shove I will drop my role for the sake of our relationship and our relationship for her well being. I have told her several times to not give up on the little side of her, so trust me, I do want her comfortable expressing who she is. I am sorry that you got the impression that I was a selfish person who is trouble to her, I did not mean to make it seem like that.

 

 

Don't worry so much about titles. Love doesn't need titles. Relationships need love and trust to work, not titles. If your not a Daddy Dom then your not. You can't make yourself something your not. The important thing is that you love her, you want to take care of her and protect her. You don't have to be a Daddy to love and care for a Little. You two need to talk about your relationship and what you guys what out of it. That's pretty much it. You two need to do what's right for your relationship. Just because other people do their relationships in a current way doesn't make it right for you. Maybe you have a completely different Daddy Style maybe your just not a Daddy. You want to be there for her and you want to meet her needs, that's a huge thing. Talk things over and find what works for your relationship, and remember everyone is different and that's ok.

Unless I figure out a better way, I'd really like to give it a try. I feel like it'd do her a lot of good to have a proper dad. I know I don't have to be that in our relationship, but I'm going to give it a hell of a shot. If it turns out that I'm not fit for the role, then I'm sure we can still make it work out... but that's a saddening thought. I really want to be her caretaker, in more than just a boyfriend sense. Your comment is likely the most impacting for me. I have been rather set on trying to be what I feel she needs, because it seems to be the perfect fit. While I know there are a few missing pieces in love puzzles, the good ones always make a picture anyways. I can be a good daddy if I really want to be, right?

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I disagree with "being an accountant if you don't have aptitude for math" scenario. If you really want something, you can develop the skills. Even if you're not naturally gifted with the talent. Now, I believe I do have some of the traits of a successful daddy such as being caring, wishing to see the well being of my little, and encouraging her. The problem I had was the more aggressive aspects and finding balance in them. Setting rules and punishment, for example. And I do enjoy being a daddy! It's something wonderful in my experience of it... Even if I don't have it all together yet.

 

................... 

 

I'm not one to ever study a topic, I'm a person quick to give up on things, even what I enjoy. It's a horrible trait and currently my problem.

I never said anything couldn't be done. I just don't feel it is something that should have to be dealt with like homework where you end up too lazy to put in the effort, and just phone it in.

 

If your hang ups are rules and punishements, work those all out with her. Have a written list of rules, and suitable punishments for the infractions. You don't have to be mean, or aggressive, but you do have to be consistent.

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Really just pour your heart out, and let her see. Don't hold back anything. If she doesn't understand, then it happens. Just keep on your damned studying,  with regards to DD/lg, and try harder on the next. Really if you get lazy with love, then do you really love her? 

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Guest littlemissragamuffin
I believe you could. If you really mean everything. If you love this side of her, and want to support it. I mean, just look at you. Your here asking for help. That sounds like a good Daddy. You just want to take care of her, love her and have her be herself. That sounds like a good Daddy. It seems like your on the right track. Just remember everyone is different, maybe you won't fit the cookie cutter daddy mold. And that's fine. Like I said, everyone is different. You two just do what's right for your relationship. There aren't any real set rules for DD/LG there's even some DD/LG couplets where the Little is the dom and the Daddy is the sub. It's about you and what work's for your relationship. As long as your there to support her, and your doing because that's truly what you wish to do, then yes, you could make a wonderful Daddy
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