Overwhelmed.... like always

[BabyPoppy]

I'm not really sure where to put this, but it really fits trauma best... 

I am hitting therapy really hard the past 2 - 3 months for a negative coping behavior I have used since I was a child. It impacts me greatly, stealing my time and energy, but also has created this giant ball of shame around who I am as an individual. Many things have happened in my life personally in the past 2 years to get me to the point of being willing to admit I need to deal with this now and I am thankful for that, but it is a lot to face. After appointments I am completely wiped and I have been dissociating, withdrawing, reminiscing, and regressing way more than usual, even without noticing and on non-therapy days. It is taking me several days to recover from therapy and triggers are popping up everywhere lately!

I also struggle with chronic pain from conditions that went undiagnosed as a child and physical abuse that left long-term damage to my body as an adult. I have arthritis in my hands, wrists, feet, knees, elbows and prolly hips. Plus, low back pain, stomach problems, migraines, and severe allergies. Oh and of course mental health issues (ADHD, depression, and anxiety with the PTSD). I feel so much worse physically when I am struggling emotionally, which the doctors have explained is normal. 

On top of that is the ending of a school year with my beloved preschoolers and cleaning my classroom. I remember all the fun we had and see the things I never got to do with them that I wish we could have done. I hope they are safe and loved and protected this summer. I worry about them and wonder how much of my trauma I project onto them. 

I also need to transition to summer work and a different age group. Thinking about different children and their needs. How will I attach emotionally to other children in a way that is appropriate for a teacher yet not wound my spirit. Attachment is difficult for me, and separation is a beast of its own. I can love easily, and let go easily, but the in between is so difficult. 

Finally, the piece I find the most overwhelming of all. Through all the stress of the past few years, sickness, repeat injury, multiple surgeries, chronic pain, and grad school, I have neglected deep cleaning my house. It is beyond the daily task of cleaning or even a weekend cleaning. It is at the dumpster for a few weeks stage and I am trying! I am working on it, but the emotional pain it is causing is so great! As I dig through the piles of papers, old mail, schoolwork from my own children, cards from people, boxes of materials and projects I started and never finished, pictures I never hung, arts and crafts material I never used, holiday decorations that never made it back in the correct boxes. I remember... I remember how I failed to answer messages, pay bills on time, react to my children appropriately every time, send Christmas cards and birthday cards, schedule parties and have people over, how I don't finish what I start, how I fail at so much... I remember how unwanted I was a child, as a partner, as a wife (now ex-wife), as a mother when my oldest walked out in high school, as a friend, even as an employee several times. I remember all the negative things that have been said about me, to me, at me and I wonder if I will ever see the good in myself. If targeting this negative coping behavior will finally set me free from the pretending I do constantly? Pretending to be normal, just to make it through the day. Will I ever be free from the trauma I survived?

I was a victim, but I am no longer.

I am a survivor, but I want more.

I can thrive in this world. I want to be free to be me everywhere I go. I need the courage to do so. One day, one step, one breath at time.

I need to let each piece of pain go.

Breathe in with the peace, acceptance, and love of who I was created to be. 

Breathe out the negative words, actions, thoughts and feelings that are not true about me. 

I have things I need to change about myself. I am capable of doing better, so I will. One step at a time. 

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

Very relatable words, but also incredibly empowering. You've been through so much, but still refuse to give up. You've reflected on yourself, your past, your truth, and are using what you've found to go forward and better yourself. But just remember it's okay to ask for assistance, no matter where you are along your journey.

[beanbean]

2 hours ago, BabyPoppy said:

I'm not really sure where to put this, but it really fits trauma best... 

I am hitting therapy really hard the past 2 - 3 months for a negative coping behavior I have used since I was a child. It impacts me greatly, stealing my time and energy, but also has created this giant ball of shame around who I am as an individual. Many things have happened in my life personally in the past 2 years to get me to the point of being willing to admit I need to deal with this now and I am thankful for that, but it is a lot to face. After appointments I am completely wiped and I have been dissociating, withdrawing, reminiscing, and regressing way more than usual, even without noticing and on non-therapy days. It is taking me several days to recover from therapy and triggers are popping up everywhere lately!

I also struggle with chronic pain from conditions that went undiagnosed as a child and physical abuse that left long-term damage to my body as an adult. I have arthritis in my hands, wrists, feet, knees, elbows and prolly hips. Plus, low back pain, stomach problems, migraines, and severe allergies. Oh and of course mental health issues (ADHD, depression, and anxiety with the PTSD). I feel so much worse physically when I am struggling emotionally, which the doctors have explained is normal. 

On top of that is the ending of a school year with my beloved preschoolers and cleaning my classroom. I remember all the fun we had and see the things I never got to do with them that I wish we could have done. I hope they are safe and loved and protected this summer. I worry about them and wonder how much of my trauma I project onto them. 

I also need to transition to summer work and a different age group. Thinking about different children and their needs. How will I attach emotionally to other children in a way that is appropriate for a teacher yet not wound my spirit. Attachment is difficult for me, and separation is a beast of its own. I can love easily, and let go easily, but the in between is so difficult. 

Finally, the piece I find the most overwhelming of all. Through all the stress of the past few years, sickness, repeat injury, multiple surgeries, chronic pain, and grad school, I have neglected deep cleaning my house. It is beyond the daily task of cleaning or even a weekend cleaning. It is at the dumpster for a few weeks stage and I am trying! I am working on it, but the emotional pain it is causing is so great! As I dig through the piles of papers, old mail, schoolwork from my own children, cards from people, boxes of materials and projects I started and never finished, pictures I never hung, arts and crafts material I never used, holiday decorations that never made it back in the correct boxes. I remember... I remember how I failed to answer messages, pay bills on time, react to my children appropriately every time, send Christmas cards and birthday cards, schedule parties and have people over, how I don't finish what I start, how I fail at so much... I remember how unwanted I was a child, as a partner, as a wife (now ex-wife), as a mother when my oldest walked out in high school, as a friend, even as an employee several times. I remember all the negative things that have been said about me, to me, at me and I wonder if I will ever see the good in myself. If targeting this negative coping behavior will finally set me free from the pretending I do constantly? Pretending to be normal, just to make it through the day. Will I ever be free from the trauma I survived?

I was a victim, but I am no longer.

I am a survivor, but I want more.

I can thrive in this world. I want to be free to be me everywhere I go. I need the courage to do so. One day, one step, one breath at time.

I need to let each piece of pain go.

Breathe in with the peace, acceptance, and love of who I was created to be. 

Breathe out the negative words, actions, thoughts and feelings that are not true about me. 

I have things I need to change about myself. I am capable of doing better, so I will. One step at a time. 

That’s a lot but seems like your working on it a little by little and that’s all you can do all I can really say though I never walked in your shoes my door is always open if you feel too overwhelmed 

[Little Nyx]

@BabyPoppy

Increased emotions and triggers during/after therapy are often signs of healing. I know it seems backwards, but it's your psyche feeling safe to process those traumas and emotions. Keep up the good work!

We are similar in that we have past traumas that compound current health issues. If I may offer a suggestion... Something that has helped me, and continues to help me, is to talk to myself and verbally acknowledge situations and forgive myself, or offer support and encouragement.

So, say you are feeling low, verbally acknowledge it, forgive yourself, and tell yourself you love yourself. As an example, when going through paperwork and finding a bill not paid on time say something along the lines of "It's okay that I wasn't able to pay this when it was due. I forgive myself for the situation that caused it. I was doing the best I could. I love myself and I'm working on doing better." Then file or toss the old bill depending on if it's necessary to keep for records or not.

Also, give yourself pep talks in the mirror. Become your own biggest cheerleader. Tell yourself how proud you are of yourself, no matter how small the accomplishment. For example, you've had a hard day and everthing seems to have gone wrong, look in the mirror and say something like "Today was difficult, but I'm so proud of you for keeping on. You didn't give up! I love you." Or if you had a good day, say, "Today was a great day! You accomplished all your goals and I'm so proud of you! Keep up the good work. I love you." 

It can be weird at first, talking to your refection like it's a sperate person, but treat it like you are talking to your best friend and offering support and encouragement. And don't be surprised if you start crying or have difficuly meeting and holding your gaze while doing it. Any emotions you feel are valid. Acknowledge them and allow yourself to feel them. Just make sure everything you verbally speak out loud to yourself (or think in your head) is kind, supportive, and encouraging.

You don't always have to talk to yourself in the mirror, but it's a good way to start. It's okay to encourage and love yourself. Not only is it okay, it's necessary. This was recommended to me many years ago when I was asked who in my life encourages me and my answer was that I had more people in my life who put me down than encouraged me. I was told to be my own encouragement. To give myself the love and kindness I wasn't getting from anyone else. It took some time, but I found my self-hated and loathing diminishing and it became easier to love and forgive myself and let go of past mistakes. Which made it easier to deal with the day to day challenges brought on by health complications. And I think that's what the whole point of the exercise was; to change a negative, toxic mindset into a positive mindset receptive to healing and growth.

I know not everything works for everyone, and if this isn't helpful for you, I hope you find something that is. It sounds like you are already doing a lot of the hard work to heal and you should be very proud of yourself! We may not know each other very well, but I recognize your struggles and I'm proud of you for what you have accomplishes so far. 

[Flower_Dragon]

Yea.  So...I understand that this feels awful.  Just very, very bad.  Personally, I fully crashed out when my Dad died.  Like...someone, any of the people I was around should've noticed.  And either they did notice and did nothing, or didn't notice at all.

And for the majority of my life I've been alone in all the ways that matter.  I've struggled through major shit.  On my own.

But, you don't have to.  I honestly don't recommend that you do.  You're doing your best to handle your shit.  That's something to be proud of.  And healing takes time.  Years.  And sometimes it's going to feel like you'll never make it out, like it'll never get better.

But you're so strong and so brave.  The vulnerability you've shown here is bravery.  You're not a bad person for feeling like this.  You're just healing.  And sometimes that shit hurts too.

And if nothing else, post here when it feels bad.  Post here when you need a reminder that you're capable, strong, so brave, and such a bad ass.  The more people say it, the more likely you are to believe it.  So, keep letting us say it.

[BabyPoppy]

10 hours ago, Little Nyx said:

@BabyPoppy

Increased emotions and triggers during/after therapy are often signs of healing. I know it seems backwards, but it's your psyche feeling safe to process those traumas and emotions. Keep up the good work!

We are similar in that we have past traumas that compound current health issues. If I may offer a suggestion... Something that has helped me, and continues to help me, is to talk to myself and verbally acknowledge situations and forgive myself, or offer support and encouragement.

So, say you are feeling low, verbally acknowledge it, forgive yourself, and tell yourself you love yourself. As an example, when going through paperwork and finding a bill not paid on time say something along the lines of "It's okay that I wasn't able to pay this when it was due. I forgive myself for the situation that caused it. I was doing the best I could. I love myself and I'm working on doing better." Then file or toss the old bill depending on if it's necessary to keep for records or not.

Also, give yourself pep talks in the mirror. Become your own biggest cheerleader. Tell yourself how proud you are of yourself, no matter how small the accomplishment. For example, you've had a hard day and everthing seems to have gone wrong, look in the mirror and say something like "Today was difficult, but I'm so proud of you for keeping on. You didn't give up! I love you." Or if you had a good day, say, "Today was a great day! You accomplished all your goals and I'm so proud of you! Keep up the good work. I love you." 

It can be weird at first, talking to your refection like it's a sperate person, but treat it like you are talking to your best friend and offering support and encouragement. And don't be surprised if you start crying or have difficuly meeting and holding your gaze while doing it. Any emotions you feel are valid. Acknowledge them and allow yourself to feel them. Just make sure everything you verbally speak out loud to yourself (or think in your head) is kind, supportive, and encouraging.

You don't always have to talk to yourself in the mirror, but it's a good way to start. It's okay to encourage and love yourself. Not only is it okay, it's necessary. This was recommended to me many years ago when I was asked who in my life encourages me and my answer was that I had more people in my life who put me down than encouraged me. I was told to be my own encouragement. To give myself the love and kindness I wasn't getting from anyone else. It took some time, but I found my self-hated and loathing diminishing and it became easier to love and forgive myself and let go of past mistakes. Which made it easier to deal with the day to day challenges brought on by health complications. And I think that's what the whole point of the exercise was; to change a negative, toxic mindset into a positive mindset receptive to healing and growth.

I know not everything works for everyone, and if this isn't helpful for you, I hope you find something that is. It sounds like you are already doing a lot of the hard work to heal and you should be very proud of yourself! We may not know each other very well, but I recognize your struggles and I'm proud of you for what you have accomplishes so far. 

Thank you for these reminders! I often forget to love myself in simple ways. It is a daily practice I need to resume doing. In my younger days I started it as affirmations and gratitude for my daily accomplishments to aid in depression recovery or anxiety fighting like beating the agoraphobia... then grew into true, honest, positive self-talk and reflection with journaling. Somewhere I stopped and all the negative voices came back. 

Thank you for reminding me to shut them out again. I am not my past and I am not who others say I am. I am Poppy. Happy, positive, strong Poppy.