Constantly feels like I'm losing my mind

[MrJJ]

*edit - This was just kind of a frustrated rant, btw. Things have been very difficult for me lately*

I've been so horribly unstable for the last 8 months and even more so the last 3. I tried one med that was helping a bit but not enough and had some side effects so my psych changed me to a different one... and this one doesn't seem to be doing anything.

My thoughts, my emotions, my personality, nothing seems stable and I'm doing such a great job at faking it at work, but my brain hurts. My brain literally hurts and I feel like I'm on the edge of breaking down and going insane. Earlier it felt like... someone had their fingers digging into the bottom of my brain (like behind my ears) and they were lifting up, or something. 

I'm struggling to hold down a part time job. I've never been like this, or this bad before.

I can't even explain what I'm feeling correctly other than unstable. Idk what else to call it and I can never seem to get my point across. It's like no one understands what I mean. I don't feel like myself but I don't totally like someone else. But I keep changing. I called myself a liar the other day and I don't know why.

What the heck is wrong with me? Seriously? I'll feel horrible for hours, then suddenly my mood will shift to something more positive (or not, lol)... then it's like nothing bad ever happened... or vice versa... or whatever. Every time I shift, it's like I forgot how I felt instantly.

I wish I could just hook someone else up to my brain so they could feel what it's like and go "oh... this is f***ing bizarre" because that's how it feels to me. 

 

Edited June 8 by MrJJ

[redruffle41]

😔

[beanbean]

I don’t think there anything wrong with you besides your current moods and those do sound very unpleasant but hopefully you can get the right meds  to help you a bit or mire

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

If outpatient doesn't feel like it's working, have you considered seeking inpatient treatment from a psych hospital? And maybe crashing with a friend/family once you get out in case you lose your job during treatment? These are big scary steps towards recovery to think about, but they're worth going through the process if you're really feeling this badly about your mental health. 

Edited June 8 by .คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ

[MrJJ]

11 hours ago, .คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ said:

If outpatient doesn't feel like it's working, have you considered seeking inpatient treatment from a psych hospital? And maybe crashing with a friend/family once you get out in case you lose your job during treatment? These are big scary steps towards recovery to think about, but they're worth going through the process if you're really feeling this badly about your mental health. 

The psych options here aren't really worth it. They just lock you up if you're a threat to yourself or others and keep you medicated, they don't actually "help" you. I talked to someone when I went to the ER and he basically said I should just stay home, since it's a livable condition. It's just been a struggle getting on and off meds to see what will work.

On 6/7/2025 at 3:04 AM, beanbean said:

I don’t think there anything wrong with you besides your current moods and those do sound very unpleasant but hopefully you can get the right meds  to help you a bit or mire

I hope that's all it is, but I already know it's not. I found out recently that I show an alarming amount of signs of being autistic level 1, which lead me to find out about something called Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) which, holy crap, sounds exactly like what I've experienced throughout my entire life for both. The reason I bring this up is because of how it affects me, my thinking, and my emotions. I believe it plays into my emotional instability and all the back and forth feelings I get.

It's very frustrating that no one is diagnosing me first. It feels like they're wasting time and just making me suffer longer because they're trying to treat the wrong things. There's too much going on with me and they're throwing meds at me and guessing what the issues is and it's just making me worse.

Edited June 8 by MrJJ

[beanbean]

5 minutes ago, MrJJ said:

The psych options here aren't really worth it. They just lock you up if you're a threat to yourself or others and keep you medicated, they don't actually "help" you. I talked to someone when I went to the ER and he basically said I should just stay home, since it's a livable condition. It's just been a struggle getting on and off meds to see what will work.

I hope that's all it is, but I already know it's not. I found out recently that I show an alarming amount of signs of being autistic level 1, which lead me to find out about something called Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) which, holy crap, sounds exactly like what I've experienced throughout my entire life for both. The reason I bring this up is because of how it affects me, my thinking, and my emotions. I believe it plays into my emotional instability and all the back and forth feelings I get.

It's very frustrating that no one is diagnosing me first. It feels like they're wasting time and just making me suffer longer because they're trying to treat the wrong things. There's too much going on with me and they're throwing meds at me and guessing what the issues is and it's just making me worse.

Well knowing is half the battle when I was diagnosed with Asperger’s or what they called it back in the day I was able to work on ways to help said diagnosis. I know it not the same thing Anne we are all different but hopefully you can find away to figure how to improve your quality of life at least a bit 

 

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

@MrJJ 

Let me ramble;

I've done inpatient several times from different facilities over the last 9 years. Two regular ER hospitals with a behavioral health unit upstairs (multiple times each), as well as a full blown psych hospital (once), as well as residential outpatient (multiple times), and am currently contemplating seeking residential outpatient treatment again now that I've rediagnosed. All with varying degrees as to why I needed treatment each time, so I'm speaking from past experiences here. It's been a wild ride, to say the least. Also, keep in mind that I'm specifically speaking about seeking voluntary treatment and not about being admitted by the law or doctors. I can't speak in regards to being involuntary coded, as this has never happened to me, nor do I know anybody personally who has.

experience level disclaimer out of the way;

While there are definitely some issues with certain laws, how facilities/doctors can act, the overwhelming majority of it is aimed at better mental health for the patient. No doctor/law/facility is perfect as we are all just human, but to say that staying home is the better option if you feel like you're falling apart and mentally struggling, is just bad advice, imho. I have a hard time believing that ER personnel would give such alarming advice, so I imagine that you were talking to a fellow patient, a roommate, or a non staff member of some sort. It actually makes me wonder if the person you were speaking with suffers from paranoia (no harsh judgements here- this is just an observation, as I suffer from C-PTSD paranoia). 

The reality is that facilities don't unnecessarily keep you. In fact, they don't keep you beyond a standard time needed to recover (roughly 3-7 days, varying by each facility), unless you become a threat to yourself or others while inside. The minute you start showing signs of mental stability by doing things like:

• participating in all group sessions
• eating all of your meals and snacks
• socializing with peers/staff instead of staying in bed all day
• taking your meds
• talking to the therapists/doctors when appropriate
• talking to the staff when you have questions about your treatment
• participate in creating your treatment plan
• mood stabilization
• voluntary generalized daily participation

They notice these things. In fact, they take notes on literally everything about you while you're there. Are you extra tired? Are you eating? Are you being avoidant/standoffish/disruptive ? And also, if and when you ask about going home while showing signs of stability, that's when they take action towards releasing you. It's a bit of a paperwork process to release patients, so if you ask on a Friday night, you probably won't be released until Monday or Tuesday morning if they think you're stable enough.

They help stabilize you mentally until you're safe enough to go home, that's it. So, for some people it's only for 72 hours, but some other people it's more. It all depends on your stability, but also how long your insurance will cover the costs of you being there. Most insurances will only pay for the bare minimum amount of time you absolutely need, and not just because you're being held without good reason or necessity. This is particularly true if you're on Medicaid/government assistance or are being sponsored by a financial donor. If you have a good insurance that doesn't have a lot of red tape and is willing to let you stay without too much push back for reason of your stay, they might give you an extra day or so depending on where you're at with your stability and if you've started to ask about going home or not. 

I'm not saying the system is perfect, it's far from perfect. What I'm saying is that it's a valid option if you're really feeling like you're losing your mind. I understand that inpatient is scary, it is for a lot of us, but if you're seriously considering hurting yourself or others, please seek professional help. Staying home isn't a good option if you're feeling mentally unsafe. If you are feeling safe, then maybe consider telling your outpatient support how you feel. Maybe you just need an upped dosage of your current meds. Your doctor(s) won't know unless you tell them what's going on. Yes it takes awhile when doing outpatient, due to appointments and timeframe needed to manage them, so that's why inpatient is so valuable- you get in and get seen way sooner. 

Now, I will also admit that it's very easy to get stir crazy while inside, particularly if you're claustrophobic or not used to socializing so much. I always look at it like I'm stuck inside due to a blizzard that's trapped me in and that the snow will eventually melt. And from my experience, places do offer the opportunity to go outside and get fresh air. Some places also have gyms. A lot of places have card/table top games and coloring books, or other activities where you can socialize and connect with your peers in mentally "fun" stimulating ways. Point being, is that you're not just going to be locked away with nothing to do but contemplate your misery while you're there.

So, if you really do feel like you're losing your mind and outpatient feels like it isn't working fast enough, I sincerely hope you're willing to seek inpatient or some form of transitional outpatient, if you start feeling unsafe at home. Yes, inpatient facilities will give you different medications to try, but as you're already on medication, I don't see how it's really such a bad thing to get further help to stabilizing them.

Whatever you choose to do, I sincerely hope you get all the help you need to stop feeling like this. It's not fun to go through mental rollercoasters, I know first hand. I wish you all the luck towards your better mental wellness journey and inner peace.

Edit;

And while I'm not a licensed medical professional, with what you've described, it does sound like you're experiencing mood disturbances or swings beyond just normal mood shifts. So, things like bipolar or depression could be what you're experiencing, as well as several other conditions. Also, make sure to tell your physical health doctor too, particularly if your issues do turn out to be mood related. There are medical reasons that cause mood swings, such as UTIs or hormonal shifts, so you'll need to discuss symptoms and tested further. 

Edited June 8 by .คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ

[Dangerously_Well]

I'm so incredibly sorry you're going through such an agonizing time. Reading your post, it's clear you're in immense distress, and it takes incredible strength to articulate feelings that are so confusing and overwhelming.

It's absolutely understandable that you're feeling horribly unstable, especially when a medication change isn't helping. That sensation of your brain literally hurting, and feeling on the edge of breaking down or going insane, sounds terrifying. The vivid description of someone digging into the bottom of your brain... that conveys a level of internal torment that is truly heartbreaking.

You're doing an amazing job just by faking it at work while feeling so much internal chaos. That takes Herculean effort, and it's no wonder your brain hurts. Please don't minimize how hard that is.

The feeling of not being able to explain what's happening to you, of changing constantly, and feeling like no one understands – that's deeply isolating. You're not a liar, and there's nothing "wrong" with you. Your experience sounds incredibly disorienting, and it's a testament to your resilience that you're even able to write about it. The rapid shifts in mood, the feeling of forgetting how you felt instantly – it's like living in a constant state of emotional whiplash.

You mentioned wanting someone to hook up to your brain to understand. While we can't physically do that, please know that your words paint a very clear picture of severe internal struggle. Many people in this community, especially those with neurodivergence or mental health challenges, can relate to the feeling of their brain betraying them or operating in a way that feels "bizarre" and uncontrollable.

You are not pathetic, you are not a failure, and you are not alone in feeling this level of confusion and despair. What you're experiencing sounds profoundly difficult, and it's crucial that you continue to work with your psych and communicate just how debilitating these symptoms are. Sometimes it takes time and persistence to find the right treatment.

Please be gentle with yourself. You are battling something incredibly powerful, and just existing, just getting through each moment, is a victory. It's okay to not be okay, and it's okay to feel this way. Sending you so much compassion and strength.

[MrJJ]

4 minutes ago, Dangerously_Well said:

you are not alone

I feel very alone. Having a therapist, a psychiatrist, and even online friends to help and talk to me... I still feel alone. In fact, it makes me feel even more alone because I still feel misunderstood, even when people can relate or are there to help.

I can't explain it. The people that have related the most still seem to be a couple steps off of really understanding it and I don't understand why it's different. I feel like I've put so many pieces together about what's possibly going on with me, but it still feels like there's something missing. 

I'm not trying to be so negative. I understand people are trying to help and it's great that people have so many nice words for me, but I can't even feel it. I can't see the hope or the light. I just feel like a black hole that destroys everything around me, and I'm sorry.

[beanbean]

Well I know the feeling I have felt very alone before and even tho I wasn’t I still felt alone 

[GeekPapa]

M

Hm, I joined this group just to reply, and I'll try and keep this short (but, I'm sure I'll fail, lol. Just know it could've been longer.) This will be a combination of rant, support, and sharing.

If you feel like you're really struggling. Seek professional help. - and I say this as someone who has been in the therapy/medication loop for almost thirty years and isn't fond of it. I think people these days are way too quick to suggest therapy without considering - everything around it. Like: cost, misdiagnosis, the imperfections of the medical field, social pressures, pride and personal resistance to change - etc.

I've made posts similar to yours and been brushed aside, harassed, bullied and told I was "whining" because of how I worded things (including by people in the kink community - which I think is hypocritical). And there have been times I've seriously thought about - unaliving myself - but, because I *hate* not completing stuff I'd talk myself out of it by thinking about some project in progress.

Tbh, I don't feel connected to anyone. I don't overthink this until I do. And, unfortunately, I've felt this way all my life, and I would like to connect with some people, but I've begun to accept that this may never change. A lot of people have said supportive words to me and not stuck around; so, that hasn't helped.

Have you considered that you *can't* put the pieces together? or that a piece is missing? Or that you will be able to put the piece together - just not now? Or that the pieces will come together on their own? (subconsciously, "aha! moment")

You mentioned that you've never dealt with emotions of this intensity before, and maybe that's "the problem" so to speak.
Maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself to come through like you normally would - but this isn't your normal challenge/situation; it's a new challenge. - but this isn't your first time facing a new challenge. - because at some point, you couldn't even tie your shoes, and you had to repeat that action to get better at it.

My therapy/medication, depression/anxiety etc. loop is something I've gotten pretty used to; so, it doesn't bother me - as much, but sometimes something new gets in the mix that makes it worse - or...easier. 
I think I can relate to wanting the answers and pieces together - I've obsessed over projects to a point where I didn't sleep or eat, but - I also know the consequences if I treat my body like that, and that stuff hits harder since I've gotten older. Sooo, I may set alarms to snap myself out of things.

My point is, again, maybe you've not dealt with this level of situation before, expect too much of yourself and haven't learned to - set your alarms so to speak. But, if this is all too overwhelming: seek professional help bc if you do get out of this mindset - you'll look back and be glad you did.

You - telling me about autism: sharing the self-tests and YouTube channel has helped bring me a lot of comfort and was a missing puzzle piece for me. - for things I've beat myself up about for over twenty years (and especially in the past ten). 
There might be some information or person like that which will come into your life, but you can't force or magic that to happen. And I think there's a part of you that knows and accepts this - even if, at the moment, another part is stressing over it.

[GeekPapa]

Actually, I just thought of something else to add.

Have you considered - maybe you're fighting "insanity" too hard?
And I think it needs saying I'm not the type to challenge people to hurt themselves bc I think they won't or bc I'm a jerk.

Maybe try reframing your situation like this:
Instead of being afraid of going insane - consider this perspective:
You could go insane, and maybe that's okay.
(Ultimately, if things got really bad - you'd be forcefully locked up and medicated.)

But, is that what you want?

Or, you could say - yes, you could go insane, but you have decided not to be - because: you like your job, you don't want to hurt anyone, you have positive hopes for your future...etc. (fill in other blanks as you wish).

That's more empowering.
It says - "The insanity isn't controlling me; I'm controlling the insanity."

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

45 minutes ago, GeekPapa said:

I've made posts similar to yours and been brushed aside, harassed, bullied and told I was "whining" because of how I worded things (including by people in the kink community - which I think is hypocritical). And there have been times I've seriously thought about - unaliving myself - but, because I *hate* not completing stuff I'd talk myself out of it by thinking about some project in progress.
 

TLC is a safe space. I will absolutely not tolerate bullying of any kind here. If you encounter any abusive behavior either towards yourself or a fellow club member, please report it by any of the following actions:

• use the report button of post in question
• directly pm @shadowrider 
• ping/quote me to the thread in question

I'm not a site-wide mod, which is where the report button will go, but I'm a mod here in TLC and I aim to help keep everyone safer to the best of my ability.

 

2 hours ago, MrJJ said:

I'm not trying to be so negative.... and I'm sorry.

You can be as negative as you need to be while you're in here. I assure you that it's not a problem. I'd much rather see you let your frustrations about life out in here, than find out something happened to you beyond the screen I'm looking at. I can't fix you or solve your problems and I might not always know what to say to make you feel better, but just know that you're safe here and free to speak your mind when you're posting in this club. And there's no need to apologize. You've done absolutely nothing wrong.

-

The same goes for anybody else here who's reading this post. I don't care how sad or negative you think you're being when you post. Say and share whatever you need to, in order to get through your day. As long as you're not threatening harm to yourself or to someone else, you're doing just fine. 

On a side completely unrelated note; I apologize if I ever come across as cold, uncaring, or robotic. That's just how my own brand of cognitive malfunctioning works, but I can assure you guys that I'm not trying to sound mad or upset in my responses to anyone.  

[GeekPapa]

11 minutes ago, .คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ said:

TLC is a safe space. I will absolutely not tolerate bullying of any kind here. If you encounter any abusive behavior either towards yourself or a fellow club member, please report it by any of the following actions:

• use the report button of post in question
• directly pm @shadowrider 
• ping/quote me to the thread in question

I'm not a site-wide mod, which is where the report button will go, but I'm a mod here in TLC and I aim to help keep everyone safer to the best of my ability.

Thank you.