My struggles

[Lil_K47]

So apparently, this is a good place to bare my soul, and let everything I’m feeling out! 
 

first of all before I get into anything, let me just say I have a consult next week with a kink friendly therapist! I realize I have some issues that I need to work on and I am going to do that! In the meantime, any advice you all would like to impart words of wisdom, whatever feel free to chime in!

 

So really I want what everybody wants .. to find love! To find the person meant for me and I for them!

But y’all I gotta face it. I have a history of making bad, bad decisions where relationships are concerned! One of the reasons I’ll be seeking therapy lol 

OK, so I don’t feel like I’m at all desperate, but I do think I am over eager to find a good match! 

 

I am people pleaser. This is a big part of my personality. I get a lot of enjoyment out of doing things for others, this is who I am and a lot of it how I was raised. You know, my mom‘s big rule was the golden rule. Do on to others and you as you would have done to you. And I’m not perfect, but I definitely strive to embrace this.
 

Next is the fact that I’m pretty sure that I have a praise kink! OK well I’m not pretty sure, I know I do lol the second someone tells me what a good girl I am. I get all mushy goosshy inside. And I’m easily tempted into making bad decisions! Because honestly, when you haven’t had someone pay attention to you in a while, it feels nice and you’re just like overcome by the moment and before you know it, you’ve taken your clothes off and you’ve sent naughty pictures! 🤦‍♀️ 

And then you spend the next, however long feeling shitty, and regretting what you’ve done! telling yourself what an idiot you are for jumping in headfirst way too fast again!!! Because in your crazy girl brain you were thinking even if they didn’t really want a serious relationship, I’ll just let them spend a little bit of time with me.  They’re gonna realize how fabulous I am and they’ll change their mind about wanting to actually date!  Yeah I know I’m delusional. I’m very self-aware and I’m  working on it!! 
 

Another problem, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I fall hard,  I fall fast! And once I’m committed to something I put my whole heart into it. I mean, I don’t think I’m overly needy, but I do like attention , heck who doesn’t. So  I don’t know , maybe I overwhelm the people I start relationships with by being so gung ho from the get go and wanting to spend all my time with them.  And then I’m absolutely crushed when they tell me they’re not ready /interested in a serious relationship with me! And forgive me for being blunt, but it’s like great. I’m good enough to just fuck, but I’m not good enough to keep!!! 
 

This is also why I haven’t had sex in over two years! Because I knew I was letting myself get taken advantage of because of my eagerness to please and be liked /poor decision making skills! 

And this right here is gonna seem a little dramatic and over the top, but this is a picture I took of myself of the last time I got my heart crushed. I wanted to remember how this felt and not be tempted to repeat the same mistakes! (obviously not working so well for me)

 

 

 

I think I would do well in a 24/7 TPE type relationship. It’s not that I want to be controlled because nobody wants that,  but I’m most happy and relaxed when somebody else is making all the decisions! But I don’t know,  I  kind of feel like that’s a big ask! expecting somebody to take control of your entire life and do a proper job of it! That’s a serious commitment to someone. 

more than I need sex right now and don’t get me wrong. I enjoy the hell out of sex. I need guidance and consistency.!  I need someone willing to rain me in and hold my feet on the ground when I get too excited and I start buzzing around like a chicken with its head cut off , trying to run in 10 different directions all at the same time! 
 

I have a personal ad out there. I think it’s pretty clear mostly what I’m looking for. Although I didn’t include the whole 24/7 TPE part. 

Obviously, I would prefer  an in person relationship, but seeing as I’m not so great with those anyway, I’m wondering if maybe an online dynamic would be better without any sex involved.  But heck is there anybody even out there that’s gonna be willing to take that on???? Without really getting anything big in return…. Is it even worth changing my ad to say I’m looking for like an interim online daddy?? 
 

or I don’t know,  do I just need to stop looking altogether???  I am trying to be active here so I can get to know people and  make friends.  I’ve never really done that before, I definitely didn’t feel comfortable doing it on FET life . I think Having good friends who get you is important. So I’m definitely making efforts there. 
 

Maybe I should just stop worrying about finding love right now. I don’t know…. 
 

thoughts, opinions, advice, as long as it’s all constructive it’s all welcome! 
 

 

[BabyPoppy]

3 hours ago, Lil_K47 said:

So apparently, this is a good place to bare my soul, and let everything I’m feeling out! 
 

first of all before I get into anything, let me just say I have a consult next week with a kink friendly therapist! I realize I have some issues that I need to work on and I am going to do that! In the meantime, any advice you all would like to impart words of wisdom, whatever feel free to chime in!

 

So really I want what everybody wants .. to find love! To find the person meant for me and I for them!

But y’all I gotta face it. I have a history of making bad, bad decisions where relationships are concerned! One of the reasons I’ll be seeking therapy lol 

OK, so I don’t feel like I’m at all desperate, but I do think I am over eager to find a good match! 

 

I am people pleaser. This is a big part of my personality. I get a lot of enjoyment out of doing things for others, this is who I am and a lot of it how I was raised. You know, my mom‘s big rule was the golden rule. Do on to others and you as you would have done to you. And I’m not perfect, but I definitely strive to embrace this.
 

Next is the fact that I’m pretty sure that I have a praise kink! OK well I’m not pretty sure, I know I do lol the second someone tells me what a good girl I am. I get all mushy goosshy inside. And I’m easily tempted into making bad decisions! Because honestly, when you haven’t had someone pay attention to you in a while, it feels nice and you’re just like overcome by the moment and before you know it, you’ve taken your clothes off and you’ve sent naughty pictures! 🤦‍♀️ 

And then you spend the next, however long feeling shitty, and regretting what you’ve done! telling yourself what an idiot you are for jumping in headfirst way too fast again!!! Because in your crazy girl brain you were thinking even if they didn’t really want a serious relationship, I’ll just let them spend a little bit of time with me.  They’re gonna realize how fabulous I am and they’ll change their mind about wanting to actually date!  Yeah I know I’m delusional. I’m very self-aware and I’m  working on it!! 
 

Another problem, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I fall hard,  I fall fast! And once I’m committed to something I put my whole heart into it. I mean, I don’t think I’m overly needy, but I do like attention , heck who doesn’t. So  I don’t know , maybe I overwhelm the people I start relationships with by being so gung ho from the get go and wanting to spend all my time with them.  And then I’m absolutely crushed when they tell me they’re not ready /interested in a serious relationship with me! And forgive me for being blunt, but it’s like great. I’m good enough to just fuck, but I’m not good enough to keep!!! 
 

This is also why I haven’t had sex in over two years! Because I knew I was letting myself get taken advantage of because of my eagerness to please and be liked /poor decision making skills! 

And this right here is gonna seem a little dramatic and over the top, but this is a picture I took of myself of the last time I got my heart crushed. I wanted to remember how this felt and not be tempted to repeat the same mistakes! (obviously not working so well for me)

 

 

 

I think I would do well in a 24/7 TPE type relationship. It’s not that I want to be controlled because nobody wants that,  but I’m most happy and relaxed when somebody else is making all the decisions! But I don’t know,  I  kind of feel like that’s a big ask! expecting somebody to take control of your entire life and do a proper job of it! That’s a serious commitment to someone. 

more than I need sex right now and don’t get me wrong. I enjoy the hell out of sex. I need guidance and consistency.!  I need someone willing to rain me in and hold my feet on the ground when I get too excited and I start buzzing around like a chicken with its head cut off , trying to run in 10 different directions all at the same time! 
 

I have a personal ad out there. I think it’s pretty clear mostly what I’m looking for. Although I didn’t include the whole 24/7 TPE part. 

Obviously, I would prefer  an in person relationship, but seeing as I’m not so great with those anyway, I’m wondering if maybe an online dynamic would be better without any sex involved.  But heck is there anybody even out there that’s gonna be willing to take that on???? Without really getting anything big in return…. Is it even worth changing my ad to say I’m looking for like an interim online daddy?? 
 

or I don’t know,  do I just need to stop looking altogether???  I am trying to be active here so I can get to know people and  make friends.  I’ve never really done that before, I definitely didn’t feel comfortable doing it on FET life . I think Having good friends who get you is important. So I’m definitely making efforts there. 
 

Maybe I should just stop worrying about finding love right now. I don’t know…. 
 

thoughts, opinions, advice, as long as it’s all constructive it’s all welcome! 
 

 

Slow down, my friend ... just slow down and as I hear way too often...breath... 🙂 One step at a time...

A very wise friend once told me that each dynamic looks differently and what works for you in one dynamic may not work in the next. It's about doing what's best for you and your current Daddy. Plus they're Daddys... let them guide you, lead you to what is best. Be friends first. Talk, get to know someone,  see if there's a connection outside littlespace... If you want a long term, real relationship,  there needs to be connection that's more than just a Caregiver and little... 

Please remember my words come from a place of love, compassion, understanding,  and personal experience (I have been where you are and it is not fun!). 

So that being said.... please hear this as a statement of love, not judgement. 

In my personal experience, I had a Caregiver repeatedly tell me no to sexy time for several weeks... it frustrated me to no end... when I asked, I was told I could "take care of things if needed, but it would be better if I journaled about my feelings, thoughts and spent time resting or getting to know my Caregiver".  I was so confused! I had always used sex to make my partner happy,  regardless of my feelings, safety, wants, or desires, but didn't know I was doing it. This Caregiver loved me enough to be my friend. To put my needs, and the future of our friendship and dynamic above a "quick fix" to my sexual needs and I learn to trust my Caregiver at such a deeper level! Once sex started, it was different too... so many questions about how I felt with my safety... color words and safe words and just over all checking in the next day a few times today make sure I was out of regression and back to big head space... this was only possible because of the friendship before. 

In the end it didn't work, but it was my most positive experience so far... oddly enough, being told no was a positive thing... at least when it comes from a place of love, respect and support.

It sounds like you need a giant hug, my friend. So I'm sending a virtual one. I hope it helps calm your system down.  

[Lil_K47]

15 minutes ago, BabyPoppy said:

Slow down, my friend ... just slow down and as I hear way too often...breath... 🙂 One step at a time...

A very wise friend once told me that each dynamic looks differently and what works for you in one dynamic may not work in the next. It's about doing what's best for you and your current Daddy. Plus they're Daddys... let them guide you, lead you to what is best. Be friends first. Talk, get to know someone,  see if there's a connection outside littlespace... If you want a long term, real relationship,  there needs to be connection that's more than just a Caregiver and little... 

Please remember my words come from a place of love, compassion, understanding,  and personal experience (I have been where you are and it is not fun!). 

So that being said.... please hear this as a statement of love, not judgement. 

In my personal experience, I had a Caregiver repeatedly tell me no to sexy time for several weeks... it frustrated me to no end... when I asked, I was told I could "take care of things if needed, but it would be better if I journaled about my feelings, thoughts and spent time resting or getting to know my Caregiver".  I was so confused! I had always used sex to make my partner happy,  regardless of my feelings, safety, wants, or desires, but didn't know I was doing it. This Caregiver loved me enough to be my friend. To put my needs, and the future of our friendship and dynamic above a "quick fix" to my sexual needs and I learn to trust my Caregiver at such a deeper level! Once sex started, it was different too... so many questions about how I felt with my safety... color words and safe words and just over all checking in the next day a few times today make sure I was out of regression and back to big head space... this was only possible because of the friendship before. 

In the end it didn't work, but it was my most positive experience so far... oddly enough, being told no was a positive thing... at least when it comes from a place of love, respect and support.

It sounds like you need a giant hug, my friend. So I'm sending a virtual one. I hope it helps calm your system down.  

thanks my friend , great advice! and I definitely needed the hug!!! 

[Lil_K47]

3 minutes ago, Lil_K47 said:

thanks my friend , great advice! and I definitely needed the hug!!! 

crap, now I'm totally worried!! did I just make myself sound like a total slut here?? 🤦‍♀️🤣 swear when I say I haven't had sex in two years that's the truth at least not with anybody other than myself!  And I promise I don't send everybody I meet nude pictures!! I'm not quite that bad lol   don't worry girl I promise you're safe from my self photography 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Lil_K47]

16 minutes ago, Lil_K47 said:

crap, now I'm totally worried!! did I just make myself sound like a total slut here?? 🤦‍♀️🤣 swear when I say I haven't had sex in two years that's the truth at least not with anybody other than myself!  And I promise I don't send everybody I meet nude pictures!! I'm not quite that bad lol   don't worry girl I promise you're safe from my self photography 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

God, just whatever you do don't call me a good girl! 😉🤣🤣🤣🤣 kidding, kidding, totally kidding probably a bad joke but I couldn't resist! 🤣🤣🤣

[BabyPoppy]

28 minutes ago, Lil_K47 said:

crap, now I'm totally worried!! did I just make myself sound like a total slut here?? 🤦‍♀️🤣 swear when I say I haven't had sex in two years that's the truth at least not with anybody other than myself!  And I promise I don't send everybody I meet nude pictures!! I'm not quite that bad lol   don't worry girl I promise you're safe from my self photography 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Girl! No judgement! You did not sound like a slut!!! No shame! Not what I intended! Please forgive me! You are hurting and I wanted to help! Squirrel brain come baaaaack! 

Just be careful... when it's been that long, it's so much easier to cave to something less that what you want.

[Lil_K47]

Just now, BabyPoppy said:

Girl! No judgement! You did not sound like a slut!!! No shame! Not what I intended! Please forgive me! You are hurting and I wanted to help! Squirrel brain come baaaaack! 

Just be careful... when it's been that long, it's so much easier to cave to something less that what you want.

oh sweetheart you're totally fine!!  I'm mostly just picking now!! you did not upset me not even a little bit,  I promise!!! 

[BabyPoppy]

13 minutes ago, Lil_K47 said:

God, just whatever you do don't call me a good girl! 😉🤣🤣🤣🤣 kidding, kidding, totally kidding probably a bad joke but I couldn't resist! 🤣🤣🤣

I 100% understand! That phrase gets me everytime! I will forgo sleep, skip meals, ignore all my responsibilities,  even get an A- in grad school for the words "Good girl!"... "I'm so proud of you, sweetheart!"... 

The battle is real! And when I don't get enough.... ugggg.... I am ashamed to admit I can be a little bratty... gotta learn how to communicate that better! 

[Lil_K47]

2 minutes ago, BabyPoppy said:

I 100% understand! That phrase gets me everytime! I will forgo sleep, skip meals, ignore all my responsibilities,  even get an A- in grad school for the words "Good girl!"... "I'm so proud of you, sweetheart!"... 

The battle is real! And when I don't get enough.... ugggg.... I am ashamed to admit I can be a little bratty... gotta learn how to communicate that better! 

you're so right! The struggle is very real!

[MissAnna]

I promise it gets better, right now you are in the middle of a storm and you can't see a way out 

it feels like the waves are crashing down on you but I promise that in time the waves will calm down and you will be able to see the sun again 

One day at a time