Feels like suffocation

[boopsuperjuice]

I feel like I'm at a dead end. Every time I feel as if things are getting better something happens that leaves me worse off as I started. It feels like I have an unlimited number of regrets and failures to look back on. I have autism and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), my NPD comes from my upbringing and trauma and has left me feeling like I'll never be happy because all I ever seem to want is belonging and meaningful relationships but I always sabotage everything. The only thing that gives me any semblance of hope is my religion but even that can't help most my issues. I hate everyone, even when I don't want to. I want to be a loving person but I'm so hateful and judgmental to everyone because of how many times I've been hurt. I can't handle any kind of setback, inconvenience, or criticism. The smallest things happen and I meltdown, lashing out and abusing whatever object is nearest, most of the time myself. My emotions go from one extreme to another like the flip of a coin, one minute I love someone, they are the light of my life, then next minute I hate them with everything In me. I don't like therapists, last ones I've had were either judgmental or just seemed like they were phoning it in. I have a shopping addiction because that's how my mother always substituted love. My brain is always half in the real world and half in fantasy land, as a small child I always had to escape there for protection, but now I find myself trapped. I daydream constantly, about having a daddy, having friends, being loved, etc. I never make any real progress because I'd rather bed rot and imagine a world where I'm happy. I only seem to exist when others are around me, as soon as I'm alone I stop being alive. I have an eating disorder that is taking control of my life, the worst part is I'm apathetic to it. I actively fantasize about being visually sick because then everyone will finally see how I feel on the inside. I have agoraphobia, leaving my house is very stressful, every time I go in public I feel like having a panic attack because of people looking at me. I have a shitty job that I hate, every day I clock in it's as if more of my life is sucked out of me. I just want to be small, I just wanna live In my own little bubble where nothing can hurt me and the world is simple. I feel like I'm suffocating.