Feels like suffocation

[boopsuperjuice]

I feel like I'm at a dead end. Every time I feel as if things are getting better something happens that leaves me worse off as I started. It feels like I have an unlimited number of regrets and failures to look back on. I have autism and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), my NPD comes from my upbringing and trauma and has left me feeling like I'll never be happy because all I ever seem to want is belonging and meaningful relationships but I always sabotage everything. The only thing that gives me any semblance of hope is my religion but even that can't help most my issues. I hate everyone, even when I don't want to. I want to be a loving person but I'm so hateful and judgmental to everyone because of how many times I've been hurt. I can't handle any kind of setback, inconvenience, or criticism. The smallest things happen and I meltdown, lashing out and abusing whatever object is nearest, most of the time myself. My emotions go from one extreme to another like the flip of a coin, one minute I love someone, they are the light of my life, then next minute I hate them with everything In me. I don't like therapists, last ones I've had were either judgmental or just seemed like they were phoning it in. I have a shopping addiction because that's how my mother always substituted love. My brain is always half in the real world and half in fantasy land, as a small child I always had to escape there for protection, but now I find myself trapped. I daydream constantly, about having a daddy, having friends, being loved, etc. I never make any real progress because I'd rather bed rot and imagine a world where I'm happy. I only seem to exist when others are around me, as soon as I'm alone I stop being alive. I have an eating disorder that is taking control of my life, the worst part is I'm apathetic to it. I actively fantasize about being visually sick because then everyone will finally see how I feel on the inside. I have agoraphobia, leaving my house is very stressful, every time I go in public I feel like having a panic attack because of people looking at me. I have a shitty job that I hate, every day I clock in it's as if more of my life is sucked out of me. I just want to be small, I just wanna live In my own little bubble where nothing can hurt me and the world is simple. I feel like I'm suffocating.

[Lil_K47]

I'm sorry your facing so many struggles right now. no wise words of wisdom from me, just wanted to offer some hugs! and to let you know someone is thinking about you.