Let’s stop telling someone is “Too” Needy or Anything

[DaddyUmbreon]

Hi Everyone! Umbreon here. 

Some of you know me or have seen me around. I’ve been on the forum for many years and have talked about some big topics on this dynamic and relationships in general. It’s been a while since I last created a topic and I have something new to write about. 

Maybe you’ve been told you are “Too” something. Too needy. Too clingy. Too possessive. Too much of something. Or maybe you told this to someone. I’ve seen it in breakups or between friends, etc. This often times leads to someone feeling down or believing they are horrible or something is wrong with them. Maybe this is you or you have felt like this or you currently feel this way. 

Let me tell you, and this is my personal perspective and opinion…. You are not “too” anything. There isn’t such a thing as being “too” anything. So let me delve into this for you and see if we can get a better understanding moving forward for you and for other people and how we interact. I’ll be covering both sides of this, so stick around.

What we have here is a matter of perspective and level of need. Let me give you an example or two. You sit two people in a restaurant at the same table. One person has been having a great week and has ate every day at BBQs and at home and with home cooked meals. He sits down and checks his utensils, and his water and greets the person across from him. We then have the second person across. 30 mins ago, he was rescued from the desert after being lost for a week. He barely survived and lived off a few bugs he could find and possibly his own urine. He was quickly cleaned up and put in good clothes as well. He sees the bread basket and immediately grabs a slice and starts scarfing it down and downing that glass of water so eagerly. These two people both look decent but know nothing of each other’s week or life prior to this moment. The first person looks at the second and says “Sheesh, you’re too hungry!” Now pause here. 

There is no such thing as telling someone else they are “too hungry” or “too thirsty”. You can say the words but that is an inaccurate statement. Both these people are hungry and thirsty. The difference is the level of hunger and security and thirst that these two individuals have. One person has had a secure meal each and every day. So he feels safe and satisfied with everything around him. The second person has been starving and barely keeping it together. They are taking anything they can find to eat and drink cuz that is all that they have been craving the past few days. The bread could be hard, or spoiled, or taste horrible but they don’t care as it is the first meal they have had. They are also constantly think is this real. Will this all be taken away. They have no sense of security yet that their next meal will be granted or when. So you can see that T he level of need is so much higher and that dictates their behavior so much differently. 

Now the first person could have approached this differently. They could talk and ask the other person to better understand. “Hey there. I’m ____. Why are you so hungry? Is everything ok? Tough day? Would you like some of my water? I see you finished yours.” Then after hearing of the other person they can then try to rebuild the needs of that person. Building bonds. Reinforcing that they are saw and more meals are coming. And also finding out what they can do to help bring that person to a lower and more secure level of those needs. 

So taking that scenario, you can try to see what I’m saying. You can substitute hunger for clinginess, or neediness, or possessiveness, or talkative, eagerness, etc. etc. we need to do better in finding out the why behind it. Were they hurt or mistreated? Abandoned? Shamed? Is it driven by fear? If you can get that.. then you can see that that behavior is caused from a lack of receiving something that they needed for their survival. Acceptance, Vulnerability, Love, Safety, Connections, Relationships, or more that you had in abundance. Follow up with asking what can you do to help them feel that. Then build on it. Don’t just take what they need. Look at what you can also add to help slowly bring that level to become a constant. 

Now this can be done by anyone. You don’t have to be a Dom, or a little/middle, CG, partner, or friend. No matter what you are, you can find yourself on either side of the table. If you have ever been one to have been told you are too much of something, don’t blame yourself for looking or searching for what you have been missing. The person who said you were too much just didn’t know go to understand and help you. Find someone who accepts you and listens and then can show you how to get to a more secure state. 

You are amazing as you are. You just need some things more than others. So here is a glass of water and this topic to start and hopefully it helps you all. 

And if you find yourself thinking someone you know is “too” something. Think of what I’ve said and ask the proper questions. Or if it’s too much for you to handle. Be honest. Admit it’s not something you can do or provide or help with. They can’t help themselves and they are just searching for that they haven’t received. 

That covers this session of the Umbreon corner. Feel free to share your thoughts on this and two cents. I’m not a psychologist or anything. I’ve just learned a lot over my years whether it was as a friend, partner, Dom, Daddy, and much more. Be kind to each other and know you are special. If you haven’t read my other stuff, feel free to check it out.