How do you self sooth?

[SleepyLynn]

I struggle with anxious attachment style and do my very best not to be too clingy- or panic and spiral- and I try really hard to self-soothe myself by telling myself "Hey this is you overthinking, it's ok." But I am struggling.

For context, I have a dom daddy who is really busy all the time, and he will call me when he can, and it's a  new dynamic too- it's maybe about a month old now. We got to see each other in person once for about 2 hours and- I know he has a lot on his plate, and he warned me yesterday that he's going to be talking a lot less because he has some stuff going on that's stressing him out and needs his attention and that he'd try to remember to tell me good morning and goodnight..

This morning he didn't, and he hasn't sent me a goodnight message yet, and I don't think I am getting one at all - which I get- can't always get it, or he might have forgotten/isn't thinking about it, or needing his space. 

And I know the way I'm feeling is because I'm spiraling and kind of overthinking because my insecurities are kind of rearing their head around abandonment or perception of abandonment, but also drawing comparisons to pieces of past trauma I have had, and I'm just trying to find a way to sooth myself and get through it.. because talking commonsense into myself and knowing the reason isnt helping.. so I was wondering if anyone had advice.

Edited Monday at 01:54 AM by SleepyLynn

[Daddy Bear 77]

Therapy is a big help keeping in your mind that silences at least reasonable ones have normal explanations to them. Does a pretty good job at helping me deal with anxious attachment as well. If you are looking for someone to talk with I'm looking for someone to talk with too. 

[SleepyLynn]

I am in therapy, but my appointment isnt for another week and its 9:56pm so I can't really contact my therapist, sadly its something i have been working on in therapy- which is why im able to recognize where the feeling is coming from right now- it's just the only thing i have in my corner for soothing isnt working, and trying to find other ways to try and self sooth- also I  dont mind talking.

[RoseyLittle]

It’s so hard to self soothe sometimes!!! I really understand the struggle. I just wanted to normalize that it’s hard…and it’s not just because we might have anxiety, or anxious attachment, or even trauma. But it’s also because our bodies are DESIGNED for co-regulation. I sometimes feel we have like a cult of independence in the modern world. Like we really push this idea that we can do it on our own, and we have to learn to stand on our own two feet…and don’t get me wrong, I think that is beautiful. And I believe in having a big bag of tricks for self soothing. But…

also we were born connected to another human. And the very first soothing we experience is done by others (often touch, sustenance and voice). And if we are lucky enough to have safe childhoods (which many of us are not) we maybe are taught self soothing and regulation along the way of growing up.
 

But even with all that, we will soothe faster with others. Therapists actually learn this somatic trick, when someone is upset in front of them, we consciously slow down our breathing. And we lower our voice slightly. Because unconsciously your body will begin to match ours and calm. That’s how designed our nervous systems are to calm with others. We call it going low and slow. Side note my Daddy is always like “don’t use your therapist voice with me” when we fight and I start going low and slow. *giggles* 

So I just wanted to put it out there that of course what you really want is to reach out and connect and feel that calming with your person! And be like WOW! You already are doing such great work because you recognize what’s happening for you, you can see it and name it. Tricky thing is that doesn’t just make it go away!

Also, object permanence is something we learn as kids, well babies really. Peekaboo is all about object permanence. It’s learning that something exists even when we can’t see it. Peekaboo is magic before this because the baby legit thinks you just disappear under the blanket and reappear and it’s astounding to them. 
 

Well, object permanence is part of attachment too! The understanding and trust that your person is still your person even when they “disappear”…maybe because they actually are away, or busy…maybe because they are having an off week and are there but not acting like themselves. Well guess who struggles with this element of attachment the most? People who have lived trauma. For so many of us it still feels like we are playing peekaboo and our nervous systems freak out or “spiral” when are person disappears. Cause everything is screaming at us that they have actually disappeared and our nervous system is prepping for abandonment. It’s completely normal and makes sense. And what we want to do is tug on the rope and make sure they are still holding the other side. 
 

I’ve learned a few tricks over the years that work for me or folks I work with. When it comes to our close attachment peeps. Have a back up of them in some way. For me I have a voice recording of my daddy that I can listen to anytime. Some clients I work with have “wallet cards” with a written statement from their person. Others use photos, tattoos, a stuffie from them, a shirt of their to put on. Anything you can connect to that helps you remember they are in your world. 
 

Have really open communication with your other about what time away is like and creatively come up with solutions that feel okay for both of you. 
 

Connect to other folks for self soothing. Yes that can be a therapist but can also be a friend, this forum, anywhere that reminds you, you’re not alone and you are cared about. Cause you are! ♥️

And yes, work those self soothing skills!

For myself, I notice that top down approaches (like going through the mind to calm the body) doesn’t work as well. It doesn’t matter how many times I name the anxiety and gently challenge the cognitions, if I don’t soothe my nervous system, nothing shifts. I find this to be mostly true for trauma clients I work with too.
 

So I prefer bottom up approaches…and not just cause it sounds more kinky *giggles* (going through the body to calm the mind). I find it helpful to do grounding techniques, really letting the nervous system calm. Then it doing some gentle soothing that is compassionate. Then I make sure that from my grounded adult self, I connect to my own child part to let them know they will never be abandoned because I have them. I’m taking care of them too. THEN I can challenge the cognitions and have it stick better. 
 

If for any reason, I can’t ground or clients can’t ground. Can’t go through the above steps. Then I distract. Just get through the moment sometimes one breath at a time. Do things to “urge surf” basically. Recognize the feeling won’t last forever and just do what’s needed to get through one moment to the next. Things that keep our mind busy work best. For some it’s a movie, a book, a task. 

I hope any of this helps in the tiniest of bits. You are absolutely not alone, and yearning for connection doesn’t make you anything other than human.