Forgiveness

[Lil Baby Stoner]

I was told I should forgive my oldest tiny humans father to help heal from the trauma he caused but how do you forgive someone that wouldn’t come to the hospital while your child fought for their life and stopped breathing for 15 seconds how do you forgive someone that watched you give birth to y’all child early and while sitting in the NICU not even 24 hours later was trying to cheat how do you forgive someone that laughed while saying “I’m shocked you stayed I put you through hell” how do you forgive someone that verbally and physically abused you and abandon your child and picked everything over them how can you forgive someone you begged them for helped cause you was dealing with postpartum so bad you had thoughts of hurting yourself and they refused to help I don’t blame my oldest tiny human for their fathers actions but I have told them I can’t forgive their father I don’t respect him as their father or a person he hurt me so bad idk if I can ever forgive him  

Edited October 26 by Lil Baby Stoner

[Lil_K47]

only you know what's in your heart and what feels right for YOU. Just know you don't "have" to do anything other than love yourself, and love your daughter! 

Big hugs my friend! 

[sheepie uwu]

You don't.

You use the knowledge you've learned to recognize tactics and cycles. This is how you avoid future bad behavior- getting out before the behavior gets worse. 

Unless this man has genuinely apologized and bent backwards to right his wrongs, forgiveness is absofuckinlutely not required by you or anybody else he's victimized.

I'm a strong believer in FAFO. Actions do have consequences. 

There are other more meaningful ways to heal, that don't require you to become a pacifist. Utilize your coping mechanisms, positive hobbies, and the people in your life that bring you joy. 

Edited October 27 by sheepie uwu

[redruffle41]

Like, what do we mean by forgiveness? Cuz if someone did those things to me I would be hurt just thinking about it for the rest of my life and I wouldn't want that person to be around so they could possibly hurt me again.....

 

So, what does forgiveness look like? For me it would mean wishing that person peace and whatever else their karma brings them and letting them go.

Hugs, sounds like he's a really hurtful person and it must be hard to explain the complex situation to your kiddo.

[RoseyLittle]

I don’t think anyone, not a loved one, friend or even a therapist, has the right to tell you how you “should” heal. If someone is telling you shoulds or musts, you don’t need to let that in. 
 

YOU are the expert of your own experience. You lived it, you survived it and you still carry the scars of it. You are the one who knows your body and self the best. Your own intuition to what your healing needs will always be stronger than anyone outside you. Can people act as guides and helpers, absolutely! But even as a trauma therapist I never speak like an expert to someone I’m working with. I never tell them “this is needed to heal”. I offer that healing is different for everyone, and these are some options or things some people connect to or find helpful in their journey. 
 

What I will offer, is that for some people forgiveness is part of the journey. And for others not. There’s no right or wrong here. I absolutely do not think you have to forgive someone who was abusive. And you certainly don’t need to forgive someone who created harm for you and your tiny humans. You are allowed to be protective mama bear for life!!!
 

Instead of forgiveness, I find some survivors find it helpful to actually fully feel and lean into their anger, process it. Allow it. Anger is a cue for boundaries. It can motivate us to create change. It’s a powerful voice in healing. Sometimes I like to remind people that feeling anger is really good. Because it means a part of you recognizes that crap was so not okay and that part of you is wanting to protect you. And for many of us, we didn’t get to do that when we were younger. Anger can be a step towards empowerment.
 

I find, sometimes people who push forgiveness (not always, some there is genuine care there) can be uncomfortable with the truths of trauma or anger. They sometimes want you to “forgive and forget”, move on. But what they really mean is, “please make me less uncomfortable by hiding your truths better because I don’t know how to emotionally handle them”. 

So if you need alternative voices, I say, screw forgiveness if that is what you want! I will say that alternative work to forgives is letting go of resentment. We can’t do this though until we fully process the hurt and the anger. We in no way need to forgive, but for many, if we don’t process the feelings of resentment, that feeling can hurt us. I once had resentment described as holding a burning hot coal for years, waiting to throw it at the other person. That stuck with me. So for some of the people I work with, and for myself, we learned how to drop the coal. Does that make sense? 
 

Anyway, you go ahead and feel exactly how you feel, and heal however works for you ♥️