A vent about Spooktober ghosts (the people kind, not the fun fantasy kind)

[wackadoodle]

TW: talks about ghosting, a vague mention of sex I suppose.

This is a bit of a vent, but also I'm too tired to vent cos it's kind of late here. (It's close to 1 a.m. but I've period insomnia)

I wish people didn't ghost me if they wished to stop talking.

One or two people is okay, I can handle that and it won't bother me.

But three or four people?

And considering you all supposedly read my Personal, in which I explain that I view ghosting as a sign of disrespect, just goes to show that you don't care!

So it's probably for the better. These people don't owe me anything anyway so why do I expect them to respect my wishes?

Maybe it's because I assume that if they're looking for a dynamic, they're actually partly interested or care about the person they initiate communicate with.

But maybe, when I look at their profile page and I see that they're just following everyone who breathes oxygen and kind of spamming pretty much the same message under every second Personal, then I should assume they haven't actually read the Personals properly and could care less.

Whatever happened to courting?

It hurts because of hormones and it hurts because I don't even understand why.

Why would you treat someone with such disrespect when they've done nothing?

Is it so hard to just send a single sentence saying that the dynamic won't work out for some reason? You don't even have to give a reason, just a notice rather than be a coward.

I'm not even bothered because I want a relationship deeply or because I feel like I'm unlovable or not enough or something (which would be the case if this was a past version of me).

I'm bothered, because YOU texted ME! I wouldn't have even known you exist otherwise. Does it not stand to reason that you should also explain why you changed your mind or that you don't feel the dynamic would work?

What is even expected, am I supposed to write paragraphs vying for the person's love or something? Or am I supposed to write short messages? I honestly don't get why there would be a reason to ghost someone after a mere five messages when I haven't even disclosed much information about myself (other than what was on my Personal, which I would assume is extensive enough for them to not be off-put after five messages with me). 

Anyways

Sigh*

This has only been a problem this month specifically, I don't know if it's new people or if it's just really busy people or what. 

In other news, I'm going to take down my current Personal (with the help of shadowrider) and put up a new temporary Personal for a temporary CG so that I can hopefully remember to eat and stay alive for the next month or grind season (I mean in terms of studying, you horny weirdos....). I'm kind of wondering if it's the period talking, I've never thought I'd want or need a temporary CG before, I never quite gotten the point of it-and as a person that has some fear of abandonment issues, it had never seemed appealing to me before. However, I doubt I'm going to find my long term CG anytime soon, and even if I did I'd rather focus on building a connection or chemistry with them first before introducing rules and structure. I'm kind of anxious. This whole 'temporary' thing is completely new territory for me-it doesn't really suit whatever vibe I have going on (which is pure chaos I assume). I know I'd definitely have limitations on sexual things-I wouldn't want that involved in a 'casual' dynamic. I guess I might have limitations on romantic stuff? I don't know, I feel like that would be confusing for me if I need the person to help me with rules and structure only. But at the same time, I don't want to use anybody so I assume it might be a little crazy to have a bit of a platonic thing going on with a CG. Or maybe not, I don't know. How do you even do that? Do you type like you're at work or something? 😭as you can see, I am already bad at this. If you have any tips or thoughts on any of that, please let me know.

Thanks for reading, your time and any empathy or support you send me. Right back at ya!

[Lil_K47]

i'm sorry you're having a rough go of it and I can understand how all of that is frustrating! 

There is a club here called it takes a village, and people there are happy to help out and give reminders anytime you need them!

But should you just like a friend you're welcome to reach out to me anytime! 

Sending big hugs! 

[RoseyLittle]

Trigger warnings: themes of abuse

I just wanted to reach out and connect to let you know there are absolutely people here who hear you and how hard all these pieces are. 

Ghosting (unless we are talking putting on a ghostly costume and going booooo) can be so harmful. I often have to hold friends or clients when they experience this from others. It’s sad how often it is. Most people don’t do well with either conflict, or endings. They are hard and so they are avoided. And unfortunately the internet makes it really easy to avoid. Even a simple ‘I don’t feel the connection but I wish you the best’ is avoided. For myself, I try to remember most of it is anxious avoidance on the parts of others, from their own wounded parts. Aaaand sometimes it’s just plain inconsiderateness. But it is completely reasonable that it hurts you, and that you expect more. You deserve to be treated with integrity. You have the right to ask for that. And I’m so sorry your experiencing it.

I wanted to offer that having a temporary caregiver (or some pre set boundaries) for some, is a beautiful option. Especially in windows of time when you know you’re going to be in the grind and need that extra voice to help you.

For myself, because of the trauma I grew up in, I didn’t date at all when I was younger. I was very terrified of men. In university the first dynamic I ever connected to was a discipline dom, with no romantic or sexual elements. Totally platonic. He was married and deeply in love with his non-kinky wife. She loved him and gave him permission to connect in non sexual dynamics. She became  close friends of mine. And having him was the first time in my life I started really taking care of myself and it moved me towards therapy and a lot of amazing healing. He was a caregiver to me in many ways. It allowed me to be my best self in school. And he was the first man who taught me men can be safe. I got to witness his beautiful love for his partner and how happy they were. With his support, I eventually started dating for the first time and connected to my first personal/dynamic relationship. I even talked to him about how I would know when I was ready and felt safe enough to have consensual sex with my first partner. 

In terms of how we did it, I had rules and a system of punishments/rewards, we met at least every two weeks for dynamic, talked often in chat, but we also just did things for friendship and bonding. And I became a part of their friend group and actually met my first partner/daddy through that. Keeping it platonic was not difficult for either of us. And it fed both of us what we needed. We both needed that boundary. And it even supported his marriage. And we ended it naturally when it came time and remained friends.

In the beginning I used to feel worried about me getting so much out of our connection, and somehow “using” him. But he loved to remind me just how deeply good it feels for him to be needed. And how the same way it soothes me, it soothes him. I also wasn’t sure of if I could be in a dynamic and not, well…fall in love? Or get mixed up by feelings. But for us it worked. I did love him, as a friend and as a caregiver. But that never shifted into anything else. 
 

I think the thing that really helped us. Is we both wanted the same boundaries. And we were able to be very clear and communicative from the very beginning. 
 

I hope this helps a little bit to normalize what you are maybe looking for right now. And I’m sure others in this space have wisdom or stories too. It’s completely okay to do things temporary and/or platonic however you need. It would be your dynamic. There is no one way or right way to do this stuff. ♥️
 

[wackadoodle]

2 hours ago, RoseyLittle said:

Trigger warnings: themes of abuse

I just wanted to reach out and connect to let you know there are absolutely people here who hear you and how hard all these pieces are. 

Ghosting (unless we are talking putting on a ghostly costume and going booooo) can be so harmful. I often have to hold friends or clients when they experience this from others. It’s sad how often it is. Most people don’t do well with either conflict, or endings. They are hard and so they are avoided. And unfortunately the internet makes it really easy to avoid. Even a simple ‘I don’t feel the connection but I wish you the best’ is avoided. For myself, I try to remember most of it is anxious avoidance on the parts of others, from their own wounded parts. Aaaand sometimes it’s just plain inconsiderateness. But it is completely reasonable that it hurts you, and that you expect more. You deserve to be treated with integrity. You have the right to ask for that. And I’m so sorry your experiencing it.

I wanted to offer that having a temporary caregiver (or some pre set boundaries) for some, is a beautiful option. Especially in windows of time when you know you’re going to be in the grind and need that extra voice to help you.

For myself, because of the trauma I grew up in, I didn’t date at all when I was younger. I was very terrified of men. In university the first dynamic I ever connected to was a discipline dom, with no romantic or sexual elements. Totally platonic. He was married and deeply in love with his non-kinky wife. She loved him and gave him permission to connect in non sexual dynamics. She became  close friends of mine. And having him was the first time in my life I started really taking care of myself and it moved me towards therapy and a lot of amazing healing. He was a caregiver to me in many ways. It allowed me to be my best self in school. And he was the first man who taught me men can be safe. I got to witness his beautiful love for his partner and how happy they were. With his support, I eventually started dating for the first time and connected to my first personal/dynamic relationship. I even talked to him about how I would know when I was ready and felt safe enough to have consensual sex with my first partner. 

In terms of how we did it, I had rules and a system of punishments/rewards, we met at least every two weeks for dynamic, talked often in chat, but we also just did things for friendship and bonding. And I became a part of their friend group and actually met my first partner/daddy through that. Keeping it platonic was not difficult for either of us. And it fed both of us what we needed. We both needed that boundary. And it even supported his marriage. And we ended it naturally when it came time and remained friends.

In the beginning I used to feel worried about me getting so much out of our connection, and somehow “using” him. But he loved to remind me just how deeply good it feels for him to be needed. And how the same way it soothes me, it soothes him. I also wasn’t sure of if I could be in a dynamic and not, well…fall in love? Or get mixed up by feelings. But for us it worked. I did love him, as a friend and as a caregiver. But that never shifted into anything else. 
 

I think the thing that really helped us. Is we both wanted the same boundaries. And we were able to be very clear and communicative from the very beginning. 
 

I hope this helps a little bit to normalize what you are maybe looking for right now. And I’m sure others in this space have wisdom or stories too. It’s completely okay to do things temporary and/or platonic however you need. It would be your dynamic. There is no one way or right way to do this stuff. ♥️
 

Thank you so much! Wow, this is so helpful and gives me a lot more information on what I wanted to know about! It reassures me a bit, that you had also worried you may get caught up in feelings in that kind of situation and you didn't. I'm so clingy😭and I feel like I'd probably start to feel attracted to someone if they could handle me and my craziness (whether it be my personality or my struggles with consistency when it comes to maintaining good habits), but hmm I do kind of hope I can form a platonic relationship/dynamic. The romantic ones just fizzle out so quickly! 

The dynamic you had sounds so beautiful! I'm not exaggerating, I almost cried reading it because it sounded so supportive and sweet and I almost couldn't fathom that that could happen in a purely platonic dynamic. Would it be okay for me to privately message you asking more questions about the dynamic you had and a temporary dynamic in general? 

Clear communication! The powerhouse of all the best relationships! And yes, it helped me so much! Thank you❤️