November memories

[BabyPoppy]

I struggle this time of year with my mental health every year. I start school (I'm a teacher) in August and by late October I am exhausted,  physically and mentally.

Last year I broke my foot about this time, a month after I left my first daddy. He had been there with me through a previous foot surgery and carpal tunnel surgery. He was there when I moved my kid to college on a knee scooter. When my mom had a heart attack. When my ex was crazy and I was scared, but I couldn't call him this time. So I reached out to my ddlg friends at the time and said some stuff I shouldn't when I got lost in my memories.  They did the right thing by stepping away, they are friends, not professionals, but it hurt to lose them just before Thanksgiving when I couldn't travel. I did connect with them a couple weeks later to apologize and have closure on the relationship. 

My foot didn't heal either I was in a walking boot until June and they finally diagnosed a chronic non-union fracture.  I've been to over a dozen specialists this year and still no answers only more tests. I've had 2 more incidents where I needed a walking boot or knee brace since June and I've been in physical therapy since August to rebuilt the lost strength from so long in a boot.

I graduated physical therapy this week and was able to be without any braces. But now I'm stuck in my head. I can't let it go. I keep thinking I did something wrong to cause all these injuries in my feet and knees, that by taking time to have a relationship with a daddy, for allowing myself to be little, for spending time in littlespace or with little friends I am some how causing all these physical and mental health problems. I feel so weak lately. I keep oversharing and repeating the mistakes of the past, so I stay away. I hide. I'm so scared of losing everyone again that I don't really know how to trust the people around me to be there when I need them.

I have a long ugly trauma story, too, which doesn't need to be discussed, but it effects my ability to feel safe. I hate this part of my personality.  This fear, panic, freeze response that holds me back. I work so hard at fighting it, but the smallest things just make it so big. Things like the same time of year, smells, sounds, clothing are all triggering or reminding me of what happened and I desperately wanna be thankful for all that I've learned this year, but I'm so scared.... 

[NickyMoon]

I have been struggling with my mental health a lot lately too so I don't have any words of wisdom, but I am definitely sending you hugs and a reminder to be gentle with yourself. Our little brains need gentleness from us when the world isn't so gentle with them. 

[BabyPoppy]

1 minute ago, NickyMoon said:

I have been struggling with my mental health a lot lately too so I don't have any words of wisdom, but I am definitely sending you hugs and a reminder to be gentle with yourself. Our little brains need gentleness from us when the world isn't so gentle with them. 

Thank you for your kind words. Sending you hugs, too.

I find keeping a healthy routine with a regular sleep schedule, very gentle stretches and breathing exercises, staying hydrated, and proper nutrition helps the most, but I do need extra reminders that people love and support me when these feelings start to get big again.