depression how do you deal with feeling like you're the issue?

[SleepyLynn]

Within the last 2 months, I've lost two important relationships to me. 1 was my fiancé - the other was my daddy dom.

For context, I was in an open relationship because my ex-fiancé and I couldn't meet each other's needs completely, and eventually, within the last two months, he confessed to me that he was not Bi like he thought and was straight up Gay. To which I understood and told him it was okay, and I wasn't angry or anything, because you are who you are and like what you like, but with that confession ended our relationship. With the end of that Relationship, my Daddy dom also pulled away shortly after, and he told me he blamed himself for me and my ex breaking up, which he had no part in; it was a mutual breakup.

For a while, I was doing okay, but then I started talking more with a friend. We both developed a crush on each other and tried to slow things down because we had both recently lost relationships. We decided not to act on these feelings and just talk, see where things might go in the future if anything developed. However, two days ago, he started to pull away because he was spiraling over his ex, who he assumed was talking to another guy. He realized he wasn't over her yet or ready to pursue something else, which I understand, and ever since, he has been in a depressive mood. 

Logically, I know it's not me... but emotionally, the common factor in all these is me.

My ex-fiancé emotionally cheated on me with guys online- and when I found out, I asked him to stop, he did for a short while and started again, which also contributed to us having that open relationship which was something I pushed for to try and save my relationship so he could get what he needed and I could get what I needed - and that's when I met my Daddy dom and he knew about the open relationship and seemed okay with it.. But when he ended the dynamic, he confessed that he pushed himself to do it despite it going against his morals, and it was something he wanted to try, and now he blames himself for how my ex-fiancé and I split apart, even though logically he knows it's not his fault.. And I kind of blame myself for this because I feel like I should have done better and tried harder to make sure he was okay with the situation, i did ask and check in a few times, but I don't know, maybe I should have tried harder.

and then with my friend that I've developed a small crush on recently- I feel like it's my fault.  I feel like it's my fault he's spiraling right now -and I feel like everything I touch, I break and damage. 

I didn't plan to crush on my friend, frankly, I was kind of planning on not dating / or doing a dynamic because they always seem to blow up in my face...

And I didn't plan for him to crush on me either- We both just kind of started talking more out of a spontaneous whim and connected really easily, and then boom - it all kinda blows up around me.. 

I don't know, I just feel like I'm the main issue and problem, like maybe I'm doing/did something wrong in every situation- and I'm just not seeing it and I don't know how to deal with these feelings.

Edited yesterday at 06:52 PM by SleepyLynn
forgot to add stuff / correcting mispellings

[Lil_K47]

oh sweetie I'm so sorry you're having a rough go of it right now, and I can definitely see how you would feel like you were the common denominator in all the situations. but honestly it just sounds like a run of bad luck. You have no control over the fact that your fiancé is gay.  that's not a reflection on you, he just is who he is. As for your daddy, sounds like maybe an open relationship wasn't for him and he wasn't upfront with you about hiw it bothered him. Again not really in your control. If your partners aren't open and honest about their feelings there isn't a lot you can do about that. 

With your friend that you're kind of crushing on, you really can't control the fact that he's still has feelings for his ex sounds like. Again I don't think that's a reflection on you, he can't help how he feels and he's not completely ready to move on from that yet. 

All three situations are definitely awful for you, but honestly you didn't do anything wrong! It's not a good answer but sometimes these things just happen. 

Hang in there sweetheart! It's tough right now but better days will come! Sending some big hugs your way! 

[SleepyLynn]

@Lil_K47 Thank you- it's really hard not to feel this way- like logically I know, emotionally my brain is like "lock up logic and reason- hard send it's your fault" and struggling hard with trying to convince myself to listen to reason and logic. I really appreciate the hugs and like the care - it just sucks and hurts.

[MasterPhotog]

23 hours ago, SleepyLynn said:

Within the last 2 months, I've lost two important relationships to me. 1 was my fiancé - the other was my daddy dom.

For context, I was in an open relationship because my ex-fiancé and I couldn't meet each other's needs completely, and eventually, within the last two months, he confessed to me that he was not Bi like he thought and was straight up Gay. To which I understood and told him it was okay, and I wasn't angry or anything, because you are who you are and like what you like, but with that confession ended our relationship. With the end of that Relationship, my Daddy dom also pulled away shortly after, and he told me he blamed himself for me and my ex breaking up, which he had no part in; it was a mutual breakup.

For a while, I was doing okay, but then I started talking more with a friend. We both developed a crush on each other and tried to slow things down because we had both recently lost relationships. We decided not to act on these feelings and just talk, see where things might go in the future if anything developed. However, two days ago, he started to pull away because he was spiraling over his ex, who he assumed was talking to another guy. He realized he wasn't over her yet or ready to pursue something else, which I understand, and ever since, he has been in a depressive mood. 

Logically, I know it's not me... but emotionally, the common factor in all these is me.

My ex-fiancé emotionally cheated on me with guys online- and when I found out, I asked him to stop, he did for a short while and started again, which also contributed to us having that open relationship which was something I pushed for to try and save my relationship so he could get what he needed and I could get what I needed - and that's when I met my Daddy dom and he knew about the open relationship and seemed okay with it.. But when he ended the dynamic, he confessed that he pushed himself to do it despite it going against his morals, and it was something he wanted to try, and now he blames himself for how my ex-fiancé and I split apart, even though logically he knows it's not his fault.. And I kind of blame myself for this because I feel like I should have done better and tried harder to make sure he was okay with the situation, i did ask and check in a few times, but I don't know, maybe I should have tried harder.

and then with my friend that I've developed a small crush on recently- I feel like it's my fault.  I feel like it's my fault he's spiraling right now -and I feel like everything I touch, I break and damage. 

I didn't plan to crush on my friend, frankly, I was kind of planning on not dating / or doing a dynamic because they always seem to blow up in my face...

And I didn't plan for him to crush on me either- We both just kind of started talking more out of a spontaneous whim and connected really easily, and then boom - it all kinda blows up around me.. 

I don't know, I just feel like I'm the main issue and problem, like maybe I'm doing/did something wrong in every situation- and I'm just not seeing it and I don't know how to deal with these feelings.

@SleepyLynn
I'm sorry you're feeling like you're the one to blame for everything that didn't work out. But after taking a closer look, and as @Lil_K47 has suggested, it's clear that even though you were involved in all three situations, the responsibility doesn't fall on you whatsoever.

Going forward, clearer communication and paying attention to the subtle cues in conversations may help you avoid similar situations. For now, try to focus not on blaming yourself, but on understanding what happened so you can learn from it and move confidently into the future.
 

[MissAnna]

I couldn't imagine what you're going through the pain of losing so many people at once. Don't blame yourself please don't,  life is hard and love, well love can be so messy. 

I have a saying that I tell everyone: 

People come into our lives for seasons or for  reasons. The seasons might be long or the seasons might be short, the reasons might be to teach us how much we need them or how strong we are without them.

Take this as a learning experience, you've lived it, you've learned from it and now you can grow from it. I promise in time it gets better, for now focus on healing and reminding yourself how amazing you truly are. 

Until next time remember you do matter, you are loved and you are so worthy of being loved

[SleepyLynn]

@MasterPhotog @MissAnna Thank you both. It's hard to focus right now, and it's hard to dissect the takeaway and how to learn and grow from these situations and its hard to figure out how to heal from it when your mind is stuck on a on track loop of being the problem- but I am trying not to think that way, I am trying to reframe it and to accept that each situation wasn't my fault and out of my control. It's just really hard.

[RoseyLittle]

I echo what everyone has said here. This isn’t on you and I hope you can keep letting that in as much as you can. Because you are worthy of care and compassion. My heart is with you in all you are having to hold right now. ♥️
 

Sometimes when I’m working with parents who are desperately worried about being good parents and not like the trauma they grew up with (I promise I have a point and this connects *laughs*) I find the helpful answer is: You know how I know you’re a good parent? Cause you’re worried about it! You’re asking the question, you’re reflecting, you’re resourcing yourself. 
 

It’s the same here. You know how I know that you don’t “break and damage” everyone you touch? Because I can hear how worried you are about it. People who TRULY break and damage others NEVER ASK THEMSELVES THAT QUESTION. I can hear within your own struggle and questions that you are a deeply caring person who is sensitive to those around them. And I know I only know you a little, but I truly believe you would be a gift to have in someone’s life. Because I can hear the way this matters to you. You gave compassionate understanding to every single person you wrote about…to your ex fiancé in his identity, to your daddy dom in his pull away, to your friend in their spiral. The one person I’m hearing your struggle to give compassion to is yourself.

Now I’m going to say something a little silly but also true: you are always the common denominator in your own life! It’s a natural negativity bias to make the connection that it must be me. Because I bring me into EVERY single situation I live. Okay I know I’m being a little facetious and yes it’s true as a therapist I sometimes ask people to notice the common pattern in their stuck pattern is them. And I can happily offer that mirror. But with lots and lots of people it’s not them, it’s things that are happening TO them. And I see that here. And it sounds like a part of you does too. The way you write and the way you reached out means there is a part of you that knows these are things that were outside your control. But that tricksy other part gets louder sometimes. I know what that’s like to battle. 

It helps me to recognize that when activated we are more likely to hyperbolize. ‘It’s all my fault.’ Words like never, always, a million times, ruined etc can cue us that our most grounded, wisest, part is not the part of us holding that feeling or pushing that old script. It helps me to recognize how I need to soothe and ground, access my trusty mirrors (like you did in this space) so I know if I’m in a blind spot, and practice strengthening the other voices in my choir. 
 

And honestly, sometimes that’s a little scary! It’s scary to have to sit with the existential truth that it’s NOT all our fault. Cause if it isn’t that means we aren’t in total control, we can’t fix it all, and bad stuff can just happen willy nilly! Gah chaos! So sometimes it can be helpful just to explore the way it feels weirdly less anxious to have it all be our fault. That we might have a part that is more comfortable with the old script it’s all our fault. I know for me, I still have to work that skill on the regular! *laughs* 

And I’m not saying being reflective is bad. In fact, it can be really important to reflect back and learn from each experience. But I never want anyone reflecting while activated parts are more in control. If that makes sense?

Anyway, I have no idea that this is helpful, so I, like everyone here, just want to remind you of how lovable and worthy you are. And I hope you can turn that amazing heart and compassion inwards that you so easily give to others. ♥️