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I have to move away from my Daddy


Guest StickySurprises
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Guest StickySurprises

Me and my Daddy have been living together for nearly a year now and it's honestly been the best thing that's ever happened to me. I have bpd/depression/anxiety and he's done so much to help me build my confidence and be able to function properly, I was a mess when we first met and now I actually feel like a person and I genuinely want to live again.

 

We recently had to move in with his mum because his dad walked out on her but I've found it incredibly hard, I'm stuck inside on my own for 12-15 hours a day, I only get to see my Daddy for about 3 hours at night, I have no friends here that I can hang out with and I don't know the area at all. His mum keeps starting arguments with me too which makes it worse. It feels like all the work we've been doing to help me get better is being undone. Last night we came to the conclusion that the only way we'll be able to keep me from relapsing into self destruction is for us to move to my dads house like we planned to do before all his family problems started but he can't leave his mum yet because she's still not coping well with the divorce and everything, so we decided that I should move on my own until he can join me.

 

I'm at a loss for what to do, I've been with him almost every day for the last year, whenever we've had to spend time apart I've lost my appetite, my moods have dropped horribly low, I have nightmares, everything just shuts down and I can barely function. There's no other way around it though and I'm not going to make him move earlier than possible because I'd feel cruel taking him away from his mum while she still needs him but I don't know how to cope being so far away from him.

 

I guess I just need someone to help me figure out how to handle this situation :/ 

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The same thing happened with me; I had to move away from my ex for a few months. The plan was I'd come back after I got a job and saved up, since my brother said he could get me a job where he lived - in a completely different state.  I was terrified, absolutely terrified.
After awhile though, I started making a few friends. Okay, so most of them were online, but either way, I made friends I got to really love and they helped me through everything. All the nights were I cried my eyes out over missing him.  For the first week or so, it'll probably be pretty bad. The nightmares, not eating, feeling extremely lonely...  But just remember how proud he's going to be of you, of seeing what a big girl you are being! And how well you're doing. That's what pulled me through.

Don't rush things, take it a day at a time and Skype helps a lot. So does texting!

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We wont be able to skype :( my dad lives in the country side and has bad signal/internet. I have friends kinda of near where I'm moving so I at least wont be alone ALL of the time but I'm going to be almost entirely disconnected from my boyfriend. That's the bit I'm finding most terrifying, I wont be able to hear his voice or see his face for days. It's hard enough sending and receiving texts in that house, phone calls are essentially impossible most of the time.

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First of all I wish you a lot of strength because I do believe it's gonna be a bit hard, especially at first. Not to scare you of or anything, just to make clear how brave you are for doing what is best even when that's not always the easiest options.

I think it might help you to keep a diary or write letters to your Daddy. You don't really have to send them to him or even let him read it if you don't want to but I do think it's a good way to sort out your feelings and to calm down. It's also very important I think to bring your favorite movie and some other comforting things. You can ask your Daddy to write you a sweet little handwritten note with encouraging words to read when you're feeling a bit down. This are just some things that pop up in my mind, I hope they can help you a bit.

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Sounds to me like it's a good thing you're moving away. 
You seriously need to learn to deal with life on your own, as you arent promised to have a caregiver by your side at all times.

I dont think people understand how destructive a ddlg dynamic can be. Therapy might be a good idea.


Good luck to you, and I wish you the best. Hope you see my point.

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I do think that some separation might actually be healthy, of course it'll be very hard on you and that is completely understandable, but you'll have an opportunity to work on yourself as an individual, rather than a part of a relationship. From what I understand you're very dependant on your significant other (please correct me if I'm wrong) and some time to better yourself on your own might be really helpful, we shouldn't rely on others for our own happiness, mental health and well being, or at least try not to. Think of it as a way to get to know yourself better, to improve on yourself, to do things you never had time to, so on. 

 

Now, all relationships need communication. I don't know how long you'll actually be apart, but you should try to figure out a way to keep in touch with one another. Be that letters, emails, phone calls, whatever you can manage. Might look for an internet cafe nearby or check where you can get the best signal. It will take a bit of effort, but definitely would be worth it. 

 

It's an incredibly difficult situation to be in. So maybe pick up a new hobby or something to just distract your mind when you're free or feel saddened. Remember that this is just temporary. You'll get to be with your Daddy eventually. Wish you the best of luck through this and I'm sure you can handle it. *sends positive energy your way* 

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I have to agree that it sounds like some time apart is a good idea. Any mental illness can be debilitating, but learning how to cope with them yourself should be beneficial in the long run (Please don't take that to mean that I feel you should be all alone).

 

Spend some time with your friends around there, start a new hobby, immerse yourself in studying/work etc.

 

As for being apart, there are ways to stay in contact, letters, care packages with favorite items, send him an article of clothing like a t shirt and have him send you one, be creative!

 

Good luck!

 

<3

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"whenever we've had to spend time apart I've lost my appetite, my moods have dropped horribly low, I have nightmares, everything just shuts down and I can barely function."

 

Dear this is not healthy for a relationship.

First off what your going though will be hard. I'm not saying you shouldn't be scared, sad, upset, over what is happening by all means be upset. but also realize that perhaps you can help yourself more.

 

I'm currently in a LDR with my SO, so I aplogize if I don't seem sympthitic to your plight but as someone who has depression and anxiety and can only rely on cellphone, internet, and what not to contact my SO I feel you need to work on you more. if you don't have access at home try your local library for wifi, pick up a new hobby as others have said or start reading a new book series you've always wanted. Instead of looking at the bad side of things look at the postive side.

 

Being away from Daddy means

You can work on yourself, your room, your hobbies,

You can hang out with friends, reconnect with family

you can work on a skill to make it a profession or find a short term job

 

Most imporently you can work on you. you can stop with this "whenever we've had to spend time apart I've lost my appetite, my moods have dropped horribly low, I have nightmares, everything just shuts down and I can barely function." and instead make it to when you and Daddy are reunited you are over these things to the best of your abiltys

Loss of appatiet is you focusing on the negative and your body reacting to it

Moods dropping horribly low is also you focusing on the negative and not the postive

nightmares can be caused by stress, worry, fear, so try meditating or doing something calming before bed

 

This is a bump in your relationship not the end of the world, your an adult going though an adult situation be sad take a day to be sad to miss him to cry but then start looking at what you can do here and now in the situation you are in no wifi? library or intnernet cafe no cell phone? write letters, think about what to get him for the next holiday coming up or how to lessen the distance.

there is always a solution to the problom you face you just need to take a step away from it and how you feel in the now to see the solutions

This is scary but it could also be exciting

 

Just reading though your profile gave me ideas for you

talk a walk in the woods if you have any near by and pretend you are looking for unicorns

start a little journal and talk about anything in there or make letters to daddy

make belive while your excerisesing or walking around

pretend your in a storybook of your choseing and how would the brave heroien handle this situation?

 

 

I also agree therpy would help you as well, make a support system outside of just daddy and learn how to lean on yourself.

Think of it this way how can daddy lean on you in his hard times when you can't even depend on yourself in situations with out him?

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Guest StickySurprises

I get that people feel it's healthy for me to be apart from him so I can learn to 'look after myself' but the thing is, I do know how to do that. I've been looking after myself for something stupid like 7 years now. Before I moved in with my boyfriend I had zero control over my moods, I used to cut myself, take drugs, regularly tried to kill myself and a whole list of other incredibly destructive and parasitic things.

 

The problem isn't that I can't look after myself, it's that I NEED someone to help me keep the balance between living and destructing. I do depend on him a fair amount but genuinely only in regards to my mental health. He keeps my medication so I don't try and overdose, he helps me monitor my moods so I don't get too low and feel I need to cut, he accompanies me to certain appointments that I really can't handle going to on my own, for most of those appointments he sits in the waiting room for because I do get that I need to do stuff myself but the thing is, you don't expect someone with a broken leg to walk without crutches do you? I've been in and out of therapy since I was 13

 

The low moods, nightmares and lack of appetite when I'm not with him aren't simply explained by me not trying to be positive, I have a personality disorder which means I'm often literally, genuinely unable to control my thoughts and emotions. I try so damn hard to stay positive but I trip and fall and find it twice as hard to get back up again until eventually I just sit in bed and cry because I've exhausted all of my energy.

 

I have therapy being arranged for when I move. I'm not an idiot, I do understand that I need professional help for my mental health problems.

 

As for studying/working. I'm legally not allowed to work right now, I'm signed off work and no respectable doctor will say I'm fit for work right now, especially considering the emotional pain I'm about to go through. Studying isn't an option, I can't handle being around people, I've been to college twice and both times I've been kicked out for non-attendance because I just can't cope with the amount of people there are.

 

Currently I go food shopping, I help keep the house tidy, I make pack lunches for my boyfriend and meals for us and his mum, I regularly go for coffee at the local church to talk to the reverend about my mental health and things we can do to improve myself. I did say I only see my partner for a couple hours a day, it's not like he's with me every second of the day caring for me. Hell, today I went for an assessment with the CMHT to talk about therapy and medication options, tomorrow I have a doctors appointment as a follow up for my CMHT appointment and hopefully after that I'm going to a meeting for people with borderline personality disorder. All of these things I'm doing to better myself stop the second I move. I don't have these services where I'm moving, I'll be in a little village, miles away from anything helpful with a 3 month wait to get into therapy.

 

I appreciate that you all want me to learn to help myself but none of you know what I've had to go through in life or even the way my disorder affects me. It's not as simple as 'you'll have more time for you!' I have infinite time for me and I devote a lot of time to trying to better my mental health.

 

Once again, you don't expect someone with a broken leg to walk without crutches, do you? He's my crutch.

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Guest StickySurprises

Admittedly I do spend a hell of a lot of time on my own inside, but that's not going to change just because I move. The only difference will be instead of looking forward to the end of the day so I can cuddle my boyfriend, I'll be dreading bed time because I'll still be alone.

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Guest StickySurprises

Being away from Daddy means

You can work on yourself, your room, your hobbies,

You can hang out with friends, reconnect with family

 

My only family members where I'm moving are my dad. I have a nan and auntie in the same county but it costs a lot to go see them. I have no friends close by either, they're all at least an hour away by bus and all of them have jobs so I wouldn't be able to see them during the week because the buses in my dads village stop at 6pm.

 

I can't do anything to my room there either, it's a rented house.

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I'm going to just drop the topic but I just wanted to say this

by studying I didn't mean school I meant by yourself pick something you've always wanted to try to do pick out a few books then look though them and pick up some skills no school required

 

Also your right we don't know what you are going though however you are the one who asked for our advice. when all you give us to go on is "

I'm at a loss for what to do, I've been with him almost every day for the last year, whenever we've had to spend time apart I've lost my appetite, my moods have dropped horribly low, I have nightmares, everything just shuts down and I can barely function. There's no other way around it though and I'm not going to make him move earlier than possible because I'd feel cruel taking him away from his mum while she still needs him but I don't know how to cope being so far away from him.

 

I guess I just need someone to help me figure out how to handle this situation :/ "

 

That is what we're going to focus on helping you with with out the more in depth explnation of you can you blame us for all thinking your time away might be good for you?

Also about the "He's my crutch" thing yeah great But people usually don't need crutch's for that long just till thier leg/foot is better. This doesn't sound like a crutch situation and more of a sink are swim as in if you don't have him you sink and badly

 

-raises hands off keyboard- as I said I'm dropping this since the annoynce and anger of this is not worth my energy.

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OP has deleted their account. Locking. 

 

Also: if anybody finds themselves in a similar situation in which they feel they cannot function without their partner, please see these two resources, compiled by forum staff: 

 

1. https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/6511-reality-vs-fantasy/

2. https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/6413-littles-and-responsibility/

 

Take the very best care of yourself. <3 And we are here to provide support to anybody who struggles with this issue. 

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