(vent) grief + being annoyed

[dollreverie]

this is probably gonna be a messy vent because i’m all over the place. thankfully there isn’t any advice needed or anything, i just want to offload. 😞

 

i had to put my soul cat to sleep very recently. he was just so riddled with illness. illness that i was managing for more than two years, keeping him as comfortable as possible, taking care of him so attentively. but over the recent christmas period all his results were coming back horrible. then i had to make the decision to let him go so not to allow his suffering to get any worse. in the end, cancer and organ failure brought him to his time. he was the most precious, perfect, wonderful companion. the love of my life, my reason to live, my everything. my heart. and now we’re no longer together. i had him nearly 12 years. i cannot even find the words to express just how heartbroken i am. 

i have been enduring complex grief for a while even before this. my dad, who i also cared for, passed in 2023 and i just became so guilt ridden the year after and it took so much time and so much work to finally not constantly blame myself or constantly wish i was in his place instead. in some ways losing my cat is hurting me more than those immediate days and weeks after my dad’s death did because my cat was, after all, just an animal. an animal that entrusted his care to me. just so small. so small. he weighed only 2.6kg in the end. with my dad i was in anticipatory grief for a year so it was a relief when he went, bc i didn’t have to see him in pain anymore. with my cat, i just feel like i’m in complete and utter disbelief. everything seems so cruel and unfair. i don’t know how much more sadness i can actually take. i dug his grave and i used my bare hands to cover his body with the dirt because i didn’t want to throw it harshly on something so tiny. all i can think of nonstop is how his dead body felt in my arms as i carried him to lay him in his final resting place.

and so to hear, “he’s in a better place now” from people around me makes me want to combust. yes, i know everyone means well. i KNOW and understand this. but i have to ask, is being dead and in the dirt truly a better place than warm and safe and fed and with me? am i that awful that being in a grave is better for him? can’t you just say you’re sorry for my loss. do you have to tell me he’s in a better place? and again yes i understand people mean that he’s in cat/pet heaven. but like… let’s be so fr right now. this isn’t 100% guaranteed. i’m sorry to be so blunt about it. i completely respect everyone’s beliefs, but with something like THIS i have to just be firm on one thing. the only thing that would be 100% guaranteed is his happiness and contentment while alive under my care. not that there is possibly maybe potentially a chance that he’s in a heaven now where i’m not. i did appreciate and accept the sentiment the first two times but this is like the fifth or sixth time now. people also said it when my dad died. it just makes me want to throw up everywhere and rip my hair out honestly. what about being buried is so much better than being with me? why is it better to rot away than to be loved by me? what is it about me? i can’t help but take it personal after all this loss and hearing it every single time. by the way, i have enough discernment to know that this is all misplaced and misdirected anger because in grief, there is anger. yada yada yada. but well…. this is my vent lol. i just had to get it out of my system. aaaaand exhale. 

 

TLDR: if people have to say anything at all, why can’t they just say they’re sorry for my loss and leave it at that. why tell me the ones i loved so dearly and cared for so desperately are in a better place now? it’s not comforting at all. 

 

ok i just took a breather and read this all back. lollll. i promise i’m pretty pleasant usually. i’m just going through it. wehhh. anyway anyway anyway… if you somehow stumble upon this for any reason, i hope you have a nice day/night. bai bai

[MissAnna]

I'm right here with you if you need someone to talk to. I know how much you loved your kitty cat and I can't imagine the pain you're going through. It's heartbreaking and it absolutely just sucks. 

They aren't just an animal they become your kids they become your family they become your best friend. They love you unconditionally and when you lose them you feel like you lose a part of yourself. 

I might not be right beside you but I'm sending you the biggest most warmest hug. I'm right here if you need me

 

[MasterPhotog]

@dollreverie I’m so, so sorry. Reading this, you can feel just how deep your love for your dad runs, and how much care you poured into every part of his life and his goodbye. There’s nothing messy about this kind of grief - it’s the sound of a heart that loved fully and is now shattered by the absence of someone irreplaceable.

Twelve years of being each other’s constant leaves a space that feels impossible to comprehend when it’s suddenly empty. He wasn’t “just an animal.” He was your companion, your responsibility, your comfort, your heart outside your body. Of course this hurts the way it does. Of course it feels unreal. The bond you describe is profound, and the loss of it is profound too.

The way you speak about caring for him - managing his illnesses for years, protecting him from suffering, holding him gently even after he was gone - is filled with tenderness and devotion. He knew love and safety because of you. That matters more than words can hold.

Carrying grief for your dad and then losing your soul cat on top of that… it makes sense that it feels like too much. Grief doesn’t measure or compare losses; it just responds to love. And you loved deeply, in both cases. There’s no wrong or shameful way for this pain to show up.

I’m holding so much compassion for you as you sit with these memories - even the ones that feel unbearable right now. What you shared is raw and heartbreaking, and it’s okay that you needed somewhere to lay it down for a moment. You’re not weak for hurting like this. You’re human, and you loved fiercely.

Please take care💔

[InspireDaddy]

@dollreverie... you are so much more than just "pleasant usually". You are a beautiful, deep, and caring person that gave every last bit of your heart to your beloved cat. You cared for him when so many other people would have given up. You fought for him and gave him so many more happy years of life with you. You were there for him at the very end, you made the ultimate sacrifice to end his pain and suffering and start your own. You did everything you possibly could. You did everything right. And yet it still breaks you to your core and shatters you into a million pieces. It will never be fair or right. That is the sacrifice of true love.

It is a pain so deep I would not wish it on anyone, and yet it is only truly felt by the kindest and most special of people. I am so happy that your cat had such a loved and longer life, with such a caring and loving person, and I am so sorry that you have to feel this now.

I don't know if there is a god or heaven, but I do know for certain, your cat has already been in the care of an angel. ❤️ 

You already know I am here for you. 

I am sorry for your loss.

Edited January 23 by InspireDaddy

[InspireDaddy]

Being Annoyed:
And yes! I don't like 'in a better place' either. It feels like such a hollow thing to say. What better place? Why is it better? How would they know? 

They don't know if a next life exists, or what it is like. They don't know your situation or all you did for him. The just unilaterally and arbitral declare whatever is next to be better. What is the point. It isn't helpful, it's kinda rude, and it carries almost no weight given the person saying it so obviously has no idea if what they are saying is even true.

Perhaps they are simply trying to say there is no pain for them any more. But why not just say that!

Maybe heaven does exist. Maybe your cat is in heaven now, with your dad, and they both have beards 😊 just like your dream 😊😊😊. Maybe the beards were a message about time and wisdom. I guess the worse thing about belief is when other people force their beliefs on you, and the best about belief is that you are free to choose what you believe. If I am going to believe in any heaven, then I choose to believe in the one where they can have beards and big smiles whenever they want. 

[Lil_K47]

im sorry for losses sweetie. having lost my mom quite a few years ago and being a pet mama myself I get it.

Big hugs! 🫂

[RoseyLittle]

I am so sorry for your loss of both your father and your soul cat, and the deep grief you are having to hold as they mirror each other in ways. Reading your words, what was so beautifully clear was how deeply you love, how deeply you give of yourself and how cared for those in your world are. The kind of losses you are navigating are profound and world shaking, and of course you are heartbroken. 

In many ways animals provide a bond like no other, an unconditional love, an innocence and even a dependence on us that is just so powerful. As you wrote he was your companion, your love, your reason, your everything. ♥️ And you had to make the hardest choice anyone will ever make with someone they love. You had to choose to say goodbye to him knowing that it would split you wide open, crack you and leave you forever changed. There is nothing right or just about the fact that you had to make that choice. You are allowed to rail at the universe with fury as you grieve. 

Unfortunately death often invokes existential dread in the other. It is a reminder all things die. Including us. There are many who are uncomfortable with this and that transference means they will say things to you, that is actually to make them feel better. I don’t say this as a criticism of that, so few of us are taught how to sit in deep pain and grief and not try to “fix” it for the other. And so many of us do it out of a place of caring intent. And even more just don’t have words. And really, there are no words for loss as deep as this. But you absolutely are allowed as the person who is grieving to tell people exactly what is okay and not okay to say to you. What is helpful and what isn’t. You’re also allowed to be angry and messy and hurting. So I hope you keep bringing it here. And being gentle with yourself in it.  Because you have people here who wouldn’t dream of trying to make it better, and who will just sit in the horrible with you, right beside you, and just be as you feel. ♥️ 

[dollreverie]

hi everyone, i just wanted to say thank you for taking time out of your days to offer me such comforting and thoughtful words. it means so much to me. i’ve had some time to arrange my emotions since this post and i do realise the sentiment offered to me the most out of everything else does come from a place of sincerity and care. it was just too raw at the time and the bitter reality of being physically separated from my cat by the veil between life and death was just such a shock to my system. it doesn’t mean that that has to be the only reality though. of course i’d love for my cat to be running around in heaven right now - in full health, without illness! and i’m pretty sure my bond with my beloved cat (who is called puppy, lol) transcends the universe itself. i’m intent on being reunited with him one way or another. i’m just honestly a complete nutjob when death happens because i have so many intrusive thoughts that take over, i won’t get into all that because it’s seriously unhinged - but i’m a little better for now. one day at a time and all that!

i guess the reason it hurts so much is because he truly was so special. he was so caring. this is a cat that would find all sorts of strays and bring them to our garden because he knew i’d feed them. so many strays either ended up living in our garden or frequenting it because they had safety and food. and if he found injured strays on his adventures outside, he would come to pester me nonstop until i’d follow him back out. he never ever meowed. he just grumbled lmao. so i knew whenever he whined and pawed at my legs, something was up. he’d take me to them and walk around in circles while i’d either help or arrange for help if it was an emergency — the first cat we rescued together was a pregnant stray with a cancerous tumour on her ear. i see that day so vividly in my mind.

one time he dragged a small cat to my doorstep that had its hind legs ran over and hopped into the car with me when we took her for emergency treatment at the vets. when he bonded with a much older stray that never felt safe around people enough to come inside my house, he ended up moving out into the garden for the whole winter just so that the elder cat wouldn’t be alone. eventually that cat spent time in my house but stayed near the back door for a quick exit. i had to put two beds there but they ended up sharing one, hahaha. 

my puppy was just so so sweet and so loving. i felt so lucky that he chose me back. he was never a lap cat though! i think in all our years together, he slept in my lap a total of seven times. but i knew he loved me. our love language was nose boops, his feeding time (he loved to have me watch him eat lol) and him sleeping between my legs for hours and hours. so many days we lazed away together, my hand idly scraping through his fur for hours, or his small head resting in my palm until my arm went dead. he would stare at me until he fell asleep. sometimes he’d wake up just to stare at me all over again lmao. when i was much younger i wanted to make an attempt on my life after the first failed. he came into my room at the very last moment and immediately knocked his head into my body over and over and crawled all over my legs and gave me a thousand kisses then stayed by my side a whole week… which was huge, because his outside time was VERY important to him. it’s like he knew exactly what i was thinking/feeling and wouldn’t leave me alone as a result. what kind of love is that? is that a love that can be captured in any words at all? even if i were to write about him for the rest of my life, still it wouldn’t even slightly encapsulate just how precious he was. i have to learn to live without him and live with just the memory of him now. my heart shatters at every turn when i think about how his paws are no longer following behind me. that we once lived so inseparably is the part that crushes me the most.

well, i’ve probably rambled enough for one night. i will still stand by the idea that the best place for him is with me. but i can find hope somewhere in my heart that we’ll be together again, in some way. 

 

thank you all once more — so much. 

goodnight.

 

🌸

[InspireDaddy]

I just love this post about Puppy so much. Even though we have talked about Puppy, and I knew he was very special, it is still so beautiful to read about the type of cat he was and what he meant to you. ❤️

Puppy sounds so more aware and empathic than any normal cat, and probably more than any normal person. I know Puppy required extra care, and you truly were the best friend and cat mum he could possibly ask for. I know it is still so raw, and as much as it burns I hope you are even more proud. You deserve to feel proud. I don't know everything, perhaps not much at all, but for whatever it is worth I am proud of you for everything you did for Puppy. I'm sure your dad, like any father, would be so proud of you to. ❤️

I love the stories about Puppy bringing home hungry, lonely or injured cats. It says so much about Puppy, and also so much about what he thought of you. He knew by the way you has cared for him, that you would care for these other cats too. You and Puppy made an incredible team, and probably learned so much about life and love together. That is something that you will always have with you no matter what. Yes you are physically separated, but knowing Puppy is a gift that has changed you for the better forever. His love, attention, care and compassion will be carried with you in your heart always.

It is so telling that Puppy liked you to watch him eat. In the wild when you head is down eating, you can't be as aware of threats. Puppy liked to have you watch him eat because he trusted you to look out for him and you made him feel safe.

Please don't feel like there is any rush to get through these feelings. You are very welcome to vent or ramble here any time you want or to me directly. You know you would absolutely say the same thing, and be there for someone else if things were the other way round. 

It is completely normal to fell like your on a roller-coaster right now (and as we know, roller-coasters are the worst! 😆)... but you know I would climb on that roller-coaster with you if I could, just to hold your hand.