Weighted Loneliness rant needed off my chest.

[AltLofiSparks]

You know, I've never been able to talk to someone about this nor have I been able to get this off of my chest at all. I don't have anyone in my life outside of the internet to talk to. This, had been on me for years, for the longest, longest time and it's been weighing me down worst than a bag of bricks.

Do other people sometimes enjoy being alone? I do, sometimes I don't like being out all the time or being surrounded by people and I enjoy me time, alone time. Right? But, has anyone experienced loneliness? A certain kind of loneliness that leaves you in a sea of people that you know and yet not one stops to look at you? They continue on.

I'm asking in a way because I'm the middle child, I'm the therapist of the family, the therapy friend in the friend group. I've always been involved in things with my family even if they were toxic, but I always felt like I was in the background, just there. I've had friends, but even then it felt the same. It was always until I brought up my own feelings that people just spilled there own or make it about them. Eventually I split off. It got to a point that my mental state was so off the rails bad that I made sure to move out right after highschool.

And moving out made me feel free, I went to trade school had new friends. But I still felt like I was in the background, and being away from home only showed how much I actually meant to my grandparents and uncles. A year goes by, not a congratulations on graduation, not a happy birthday, no merry Christmas. I even went home for the holidays and it felt like the biggest mistake of my life because it was like I never existed, I even make the effort to try to spend time, hoping things would be different but its the same suffocating thing. Then, 3 years pass by. Not a single call nor text, even I stopped at that point. 

I made better friends but, I still feel like I could never be THAT friend. Always a backup friend, never a best friend. Always a therapist friend and never the one that needed one. Always giving and getting drained of everything. Being there for people over and over again, only to see everyone is suddenly too busy when I just need someone to talk to for a few minutes or just "deal with it". Never the special someone, always that odd friend/third wheel. And it's suffocating, like why can't I be that one person? 

Why am I always the one that got away? The friend, the ex, the sibling, and why do people act like they don't understand what happened or why I chose not to be around them anymore after I've tried so many times to verbally point it out to them. 

I have a good friend who always tells me "I've never had a friend that's as real as you, who can actually see me and finally listen to me because no does. You call me out on everything and actually help me learn to handle what I'm going through." 

And I all I have to say for that is that "I just exist, I'm just here."  I understand what it's like, I've been walking in the background for years, sitting in other people's shadows no matter how many times I try to get out into the sun.

It's this kind of loneliness that's suffocating, I can't stand it and I could never seem to get the words out because all of these feelings are too much sometimes. And I'm outside walking around acting like everything is fine, every, single, day. 

What could I possibly even do about this? I've been alone, I enjoy it but, how can I get rid of the loneliness??? How can someone sit there and  tell me "oh sometimes you just don't need anybody and just be by yourself" I am by myself! I've always have been for years! I want somebody, I want to be a special somebody for someone. To be open and not seal every little crack that I feel like is wrong with me. I can't even talk about my age regression with my friends, I have to hide everything in a box if they even decide to come over and hope that they don't look in it.

Being alone is easy, but loneliness is so hard and suffocating.

[MasterPhotog]

2 hours ago, AltLofiSparks said:

You know, I've never been able to talk to someone about this nor have I been able to get this off of my chest at all. I don't have anyone in my life outside of the internet to talk to. This, had been on me for years, for the longest, longest time and it's been weighing me down worst than a bag of bricks.

Do other people sometimes enjoy being alone? I do, sometimes I don't like being out all the time or being surrounded by people and I enjoy me time, alone time. Right? But, has anyone experienced loneliness? A certain kind of loneliness that leaves you in a sea of people that you know and yet not one stops to look at you? They continue on.

I'm asking in a way because I'm the middle child, I'm the therapist of the family, the therapy friend in the friend group. I've always been involved in things with my family even if they were toxic, but I always felt like I was in the background, just there. I've had friends, but even then it felt the same. It was always until I brought up my own feelings that people just spilled there own or make it about them. Eventually I split off. It got to a point that my mental state was so off the rails bad that I made sure to move out right after highschool.

And moving out made me feel free, I went to trade school had new friends. But I still felt like I was in the background, and being away from home only showed how much I actually meant to my grandparents and uncles. A year goes by, not a congratulations on graduation, not a happy birthday, no merry Christmas. I even went home for the holidays and it felt like the biggest mistake of my life because it was like I never existed, I even make the effort to try to spend time, hoping things would be different but its the same suffocating thing. Then, 3 years pass by. Not a single call nor text, even I stopped at that point. 

I made better friends but, I still feel like I could never be THAT friend. Always a backup friend, never a best friend. Always a therapist friend and never the one that needed one. Always giving and getting drained of everything. Being there for people over and over again, only to see everyone is suddenly too busy when I just need someone to talk to for a few minutes or just "deal with it". Never the special someone, always that odd friend/third wheel. And it's suffocating, like why can't I be that one person? 

Why am I always the one that got away? The friend, the ex, the sibling, and why do people act like they don't understand what happened or why I chose not to be around them anymore after I've tried so many times to verbally point it out to them. 

I have a good friend who always tells me "I've never had a friend that's as real as you, who can actually see me and finally listen to me because no does. You call me out on everything and actually help me learn to handle what I'm going through." 

And I all I have to say for that is that "I just exist, I'm just here."  I understand what it's like, I've been walking in the background for years, sitting in other people's shadows no matter how many times I try to get out into the sun.

It's this kind of loneliness that's suffocating, I can't stand it and I could never seem to get the words out because all of these feelings are too much sometimes. And I'm outside walking around acting like everything is fine, every, single, day. 

What could I possibly even do about this? I've been alone, I enjoy it but, how can I get rid of the loneliness??? How can someone sit there and  tell me "oh sometimes you just don't need anybody and just be by yourself" I am by myself! I've always have been for years! I want somebody, I want to be a special somebody for someone. To be open and not seal every little crack that I feel like is wrong with me. I can't even talk about my age regression with my friends, I have to hide everything in a box if they even decide to come over and hope that they don't look in it.

Being alone is easy, but loneliness is so hard and suffocating.

First, I’m really glad you let this out. Holding something this heavy in by yourself for years is exhausting. Of course it feels like a bag of bricks. Anyone carrying that alone would feel worn down.

And yes — there’s a big difference between enjoying solitude and feeling lonely. Enjoying your own company is healthy. But the kind of loneliness you’re describing? The invisible-in-a-crowd, always-the-therapist, never-the-priority kind? That’s a different ache entirely. And it’s real.

You learned how to listen because no one listened to you. You learned how to see people because you felt unseen. That doesn’t make you “just there.” That makes you deeply perceptive and emotionally intelligent. The fact that your friend told you you’re the realest person they’ve had? That’s not small. That’s rare. That’s impact. Even if you struggle to feel it.

But here’s the part that matters: you are not meant to survive on crumbs of connection while pouring full meals into everyone else.

You’ve been the strong one. The self-aware one. The one who leaves when things don’t change. The one who tries. That doesn’t mean you’re destined to always be the background character. Sometimes it just means you haven’t yet been around people who know how to love someone like you properly.

And I gently want to ask you to consider something: have you ever truly let someone see you the way you see them? Not the polished, fine, “I’m just here” version — but the version that says, “I’m lonely. I need you. I don’t want to always be the strong one.” That kind of vulnerability is terrifying, especially when you’ve been overlooked. But it’s also the doorway to deeper connection.

You deserve:

• To be someone’s first call.
• To be checked on without asking.
• To be celebrated.
• To be understood without having to shrink.
• To not hide parts of yourself out of fear.

Loneliness doesn’t disappear just by being around people. It fades when you are known and accepted. That takes time, and sometimes it takes intentionally seeking spaces where emotional depth is mutual — therapy, support groups, hobby communities, creative circles, places where you aren’t automatically cast as “the helper.”

You are not “the one who got away.”
You are the one who stopped settling.

And that matters.

You are not too much. You are not invisible. You are not background energy. You are someone who has been surviving in emotional drought and still somehow offering water to others.

That tells me there is something very strong and very soft in you at the same time.

You don’t have to choose between being alone and being lonely. You can keep your independence and still build intimacy. It won’t happen overnight — but the fact that you’re asking these questions tells me you’re ready for something healthier.

And one more thing: you are not “just here.”
If you were, you wouldn’t feel this deeply. 🌤️

Describing what “a special somebody” actually look like to you maybe the first step toward building it. Best wishes, always!