Procrastinating a breakup

[beaniebaby95]

I have been putting off breaking up with my daddy since like October or November... Tbh he scares me a little and I'm not good at confrontation to begin with. He has a violent past but I naively thought he'd grown as a person. Unfortunately I've learned that he has not. He hasn't hurt me or anything physical, but he has no problem yelling at me and making me feel like shit and has threatened physical harm towards my autistic 9yo small human for a misunderstanding. Obviously that is unacceptable and I have made the decision to kick him out and break up with him. But i am struggling to actually get the words out. I started to tell him the other day but i chickened out. I have spent the last two days feeling physically ill from the level of anxiety I feel about this. One thing that is stopping me is that he doesn't really have anywhere to go as far as he's said (i did try to kick him out in December but he talked me out of it). Another thing is that he doesn't just accept that i want him to leave, he argues and begs and says anything he can possibly think of to get his way and change my mind. And the last thing is that we share a daughter and i am afraid he'll try to use her against me in some way. I'm not really looking for advice I don't think, but maybe some encouragement to get past my fear of confrontation and just him in general. And maybe reassurance I'm not a massive dumb*ss for believing he'd changed in the first place 😞 he gets home from work tonight around 10pm and I'm hoping to convince myself to do it then. But I've also been trying to do this for like 5 days now, let alone the last 4 or so months 😬 

[DelightfulD]

I am sorry you are going through this and hope you are able to end this. Don’t be afraid to get law enforcement involved if you feel threatened. I know it is not easy to do this but please don’t feel discouraged. 

[redruffle41]

Glad you're responding to your fear with some hesitation, honestly. Makes sense to take time and think of how to do this the right way.  All that being said since you don't want advice all I'll say is this:  "Oh my gosh yes!!! Break up with that guy and then come back and tell us all how it went!!!" You can do it! Tell that ass to go somewhere else!!!!

[princess_amelia]

I'll say it and I mean it: You're not a massive dumb*ss for believing he'd changed in the first place! You have nothing to be ashamed of. Violence in intimate relationship is often insidious (manipulation, psychological and emotional abuse). You deserve respect and consideration. 

[Lil_K47]

so sorry you're going through this!! just wanted to throw some hugs and encouragement your way!! it's incredibly hard when you feel trapped! 

I once dated a guy who had a shady past, but it seemed like he had changed his life around. I let him move in with me really quick and like not even two months into it I realized he was a bad dude (that's putting it nicely) he wasn't abusive but he was doing drugs and he brought a gun into my home without my knowledge and I found it.

I ended up changing all my locks one day when he wasn't there. 

so that could be an option but if you're worried about what he's gonna say when you try to break up with him you might have a friend be there with you to give you some support. Sometimes people are less likely to cause a big scene in front of others. 

I'll be keeping you in my prayers! 

[beanbean]

Just be very careful while doing it and and yes change your locks and call the police if you see him around after words you can’t be to careful 

[DelightfulD]

Hope it went smoothly. 

[redruffle41]

Checking in

[beaniebaby95]

Tbh I keep chickening out of telling him I want him to leave but I am trying to figure out what specifically I think I need in order to do so. I am also moving in with my mother probably by the end of April so I will definitely have to do it before then. I've been practicing a lot of self compassion and trying to build my confidence a bit as well. I appreciate everyone's concern and support 💜

[InspireDaddy]

I hope everything is going well. Don't feel bad if it is still not done yet, confrontation can be very difficult.

Unfortunately it sounds like your current Daddy is just a confrontational person. From what you wrote I think you are making the right decision. He sounds fairly manipulative :
"he doesn't just accept that i want him to leave, he argues and begs and says anything he can possibly think of to get his way and change my mind."

The anger, shouting, and threats are probably just an extension of his manipulation and the fact he has no where to go is borderline weaponised incompetence.

When it comes down to it, you probably came to your decision because you focused what is best for you and your children. Not only do you and your children need a happy, calm and safe environment to grow up and thrive in, but children are 'model learners' which means you are setting the example to them of what is acceptable behaviour. I'm sure you would never want your daughter to stay in a relationship like this - which means you must find the strength to set the right example.

I think it is obvious that he will attempt to manipulate you into changing your mind back. I'm worried it could get violent, he could become angry and lash out at you or your children. You could consider having a friend with you or close by (at the local coffee shop ready to get to you within a few mins).

Feel free to make whatever decision you want to make. If the confrontation is scary, just think about how much scarier it would be to not go through that confrontation and live the rest of your life with an angry person you don't love and possibly see as a threat/timebomb with you and your kids.

If you are a mother, you have already been through plenty. He is just one more angry child that never grew up and learned to control his emotions/anger. I believe you can handle him just like any other stroppy child by being clear and firm, I just worry that he is bigger/stronger, so please be smart and have a plan to stay safe.

Edited 2 hours ago by InspireDaddy