trigger warning I Was Just A Child, Young & Innocent

[RainbowJackCutie]

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ 

 

It’s 2026, I don’t know why I’m living a lie. I wasted so much time watching the world pass me by and all I could do was sit and watch. Never able to reach out and touch the green grass on the other side and believed that one day I could build a life for myself. Like a flower without sunlight I slowly faded away and became weak. Feel like I’m losing a battle no matter where I turn. Got a demon inside my mind that just won’t go away. It’s like it’s guiding me to forever be alone and whispering to me that I’ll never belong. I try to breathe and shake the memories away and try to push the demons away from me but they never leave. Always standing behind me , never letting me out of their sight. I never had anyone kiss my ouchies and scrapes when I got hurt.

 

I was born to be broken. When I was just a child , I was severely abused and my mother use to walk out and leave me as a baby and just started walking on my tippy toes. I just wanted a mother’s love and all I got was tears and could barely walk sometimes. All my hopes were stolen back then but I was too young to understand so I just thought I was a bad girl. Now 26 and I’m no longer identify as a girl or a tomboy cause Identity as a boy now and that makes me happy but also scared and sad cause I’ll never be able to transition.

 

I was born to be broken. I was just a child back then, I didn’t asked for what my parents did to me. I was always caught in the crossfire when they was fighting and I had to take the blame and say it was my fault and I was sorry I’ll be good just so they would stop. Growing up I felt lost and confused and always tried to figure out how to be good. Everytime I reach out my mother didn’t want me and my dad got to busy for me. I just wanted to be someone’s little baby and be held was that too much to ask ?

 

I gave it a good try. I have to hide the fact that I’m trans and gay cause I still live with a narcissist father. Now that guy I thought liked me so well and that was gonna take it slow with me doesn’t even wanna talk to me after he said he was ok with me being a little and calling him “Daddy” I’m not mad but I wish he never said he loved me .  Why do people say they love someone when their actions speak louder? I really can’t be mad at anyone cause who would wanna love someone like me.

 

I’m autistic as well and I have learned to mask it around others. I can’t even be true to myself cause I get told it’s wrong.  I just wanna have kisses when I get hurt and to be held and feel protected.

 

I was born to be broken since I was a child. I use to dream of getting adopted by a family or heck an older brother when I was young. Just to have someone love me and protect me. Now all my hopes and dreams have been stolen and I feel like my world is falling apart again. Now I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

 

I was born to be broken. Im still a child mentally. My brain hasn’t mature fully. I don’t behave like I should. I stay in my room away from family as much as possible. I don’t have anyone anymore I can trust. I started going back to unhealthy coping mechanisms. I wish I could turn back time and be a child again and be with a different family just to have what was taking from me. I wanna be able to be someone’s baby boy someday but how can I when I’m so limited to what I can do. Now I take it one day at a time. I was broken to be broken cause I was just a child so young and innocent and couldn’t defend myself and i apologize to my younger self all the time and tell it “hang in there maybe we still have a chance to have friends and a daddy that will love us” I just don’t wanna feel broken anymore….
 

( I wasn’t sure to post this here or in trauma support 👉🏻👈🏻)

[MasterPhotog]

@RainbowJackCutie I’m really glad you shared this, thank you. What you wrote carries so much pain, but it also shows how much strength it took for you to survive everything you went through. No child deserves abuse, neglect, or to feel like they have to apologize just to make the fighting stop. None of that was your fault. The little kid you were wasn’t broken — they were trying to survive in a situation no child should ever have to face.

The fact that you’re still here, still reflecting, still hoping for connection and love says something important about you. People who are truly “broken” don’t keep trying to breathe through the hard moments or speak kindly to their younger self the way you do. That shows there is still a caring, resilient part of you inside that hasn’t given up.

It also makes sense that you feel scared, lonely, and confused about identity, relationships, and trust. When someone grows up without safety or affection, it can leave deep wounds. Wanting to be held, protected, and cared for isn’t childish or wrong — it’s a very human need. Everyone deserves to feel safe, loved, and accepted for who they are.

Please try to remember this: your story didn’t end with what happened to you as a child. What was done to you was real and unfair, but it doesn’t define your worth or your future. Healing from trauma is slow and messy sometimes, but people do find safety, community, and chosen family later in life — people who see them, respect them, and treat them with kindness.

You don’t have to carry all of this alone either. Talking to a counselor, therapist, or support group — especially ones that understand trauma, autism, or LGBTQ+ experiences — can help you feel less alone and help you build the kind of life and support system you deserved from the beginning.

And for what it’s worth: the younger version of you who hoped someone would come save them? You’re already doing something powerful by speaking up for them now. That voice inside you that still hopes, even a little, is not weakness — it’s proof that there’s still light in you.

You deserve care. You deserve gentleness. You deserve a life where you don’t feel like you have to hide or apologize for existing.

Take things one day at a time, like you said. Even very small steps toward safety, support, and self-kindness matter more than you might realize. And please know that someone out here heard your words and believes that you were never meant to be broken. You were meant to survive — and maybe, slowly, to heal too.

Please take care and continue to stay strong! 

[RainbowJackCutie]

@MasterPhotog  
I wanna say thank you from my heart for taking the time to respond to this. Reading what you wrote brought tears to my eyes so I apologize in advance for being emotional at the moment. I’ve waited almost 27 years for someone to tell me it was not my fault and that I didn’t deserve it. Yeah I might say I didn’t deserve what I went through but honestly I never believed it for a very long time cause I truly thought I deserved what happen to me cause I felt like I ruined my parents life for being born. I’m really glad I shared this cause to be honest I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me in the future after my narcissist father passes . I don’t know how to survive on my own. Yes I know how to pay bills but just doing that means going out in public. Same with getting groceries or just going out in public in general. My parents isolated me so bad I don’t know how to socialize with people. I struggle with talking and go nonverbal and can’t look people in the eyes without getting watery eyes . Something so simple takes so much out of me that by the time I get home I just wanna hide in bed and never have the energy to do things that need to get done around the house.

I guess it did take a lot strength for me to survive everything I went through and is still going through and I just didn’t really notice it cause I was stuck in that survival mode.  The worst part is I can’t remember a lot of things unless I’m sleeping then it’s like all that abuse and neglect and the fighting all that comes in my mind and I shake at night so bad and I get flashbacks which I call nightmares cause to me that’s what it is . Even though my mother has passed away a year ago … it’s like I’m still waiting for her to walk through that front door and start yelling at me and threatening me like she use to . It’s like I’m still waiting for something bad to happen. I can’t relax and I don’t feel safe only in my room. I have neighbors with kids and I can hear them laughing and running around outside screaming and yelling for their daddy to play and I hear laughter and yes I’ll admit sometimes I will stop and peek over and smile watching them and then look away cause it hurts to much. To be honest … I never thought I would make it this far … when I started … my unhealthy coping mechanism at the time I was 13 I told my parents .. well more less screaming and begging for them to get me help cause I was depressed I wasn’t happy I needed to talk to someone.. they didn’t wanna hear it and started yelling at me and called me a lier and I knew right there I was on my own .. I didn’t have parents just two people who I’m force to call mom and dad. I honestly thought I never would have been here this long and I got scars to show it and I feel ashamed for it but i have learned to accept the scars as part of me and knowing it’s ok I didn’t mean it it was just me trying to deal with the situation the only way I knew how. Of course I’m still hoping for a connection and love cause that’s all I ever wanted. I don’t care about expensive things or the top brand stuff .. all I really want is a connection and love and being taken care of . As much as I’m scared of doctors and dentist I wanna be able to go have a check up and make sure I’m healthy and up to date on my shots etc. I try to be nice to others but when I have my bad days it seems like that’s all they see of me. There are days I feel like given up and when I’m sick I just wanna cry for my “Daddy” but then I remember I don’t have one and it makes me even more sad and scared when I’m sick or having a bad day.

 

I know deep down I’m a boy but it’s hard sometimes when all I see is a female body and the dysphoria hits hard. I do get confused sometimes and I’m scared to trust cause everytime I did I got hurt bad and relationships… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to handle it again. I tried so many times and every relationship said they would help me but I ended up sending nudes to them and doing things that triggered me more . I hate myself for what I did cause I wanted to be love so bad I didn’t realize what their true intentions was until it was to late . I never really was sexual and always hated the idea of being sexual like with penetration no no no!!! I just want kisses , cuddles , back rubs , massages , legs and tummy rub you know that kind and gentle intimacy with someone.

 

Yeah it has left a lot of deep wounds and I just wanna be held . Especially now since I’m sick and my head hurts really bad and my ears are full of wax and I can’t clean them and my nose hurts. I always thought basic needs and wanted to be protected was wrong and I didn’t deserve it. Maybe one day I’ll be able to feel safe, loved and accepted for who I am.

 

I will try to remember what you tell me and maybe even I can start small by making a blog on here and writing things like what I would love my dream bedroom to look like or something like that. Your right what was done to me was real and unfair and it doesn’t define my worth or future. Even though I don’t know what my worth is yet or what my future may look like. I hope by joining this I can start to heal and find safety, community and like you said a chosen family later in life. I hope to find people like that and maybe I will here 👉🏻👈🏻

 

I been carrying so much alone for so long it’s really hard to not do it on my own. I been trying to get into a therapist but I’m on a waiting list . Been on one for months . I went to a ima group multiple times and they won’t help me either . I tried to get help financially and they say I’m not severe enough and more less won help me either. Maybe I can find support groups on here that understand trauma, autism and LGTBQ+

You really think I still have light in me *looks down at myself* hmm I wonder what color light is inside of me 🤭 I guess I am helping by using my voice and I didn’t notice it. Maybe someday I’ll find the care I deserve and the gentleness. I hope to have a life one day where I don’t have to say I’m sorry from the moment I wake up or feel sick or exhausted and can just be my happy little self. That’s all I can do is take it one day at a time. I know someone heard my words and I’m responded back to that to let them know how much their words touched me and how much i appreciate it.  I’ll try to take care of myself an I’ll try to stay strong but until then I’ll just cling to my stuffie like a life line and take baby steps 💜

[MasterPhotog]

@RainbowJackCutie 
Thank you so much for trusting us with something this personal. I’m really glad you shared, even though I can hear how heavy it still feels. The fact that you carried this for so long and are only now hearing someone say it wasn’t your fault says a lot about the environment you grew up in—not about your worth. You didn’t ruin anyone’s life by being born, and you never deserved what happened to you. The way you were treated reflects their choices, not your value as a person.

It also makes complete sense that being isolated for so long would make everyday things—like going out in public or talking to people—feel overwhelming. Anyone in your position would struggle with that. The fact that you are trying, even when it leaves you exhausted and wanting to hide, is actually a sign of incredible strength. Those small steps you’re taking, even if they feel tiny to you, are real progress.

You don’t have to figure out your entire future all at once. Learning how to navigate the world after that kind of upbringing can happen slowly, one safe step at a time. It’s okay if going to the store, making eye contact, or speaking a few words feels like a big mountain right now. Healing often begins exactly there—with the small, brave moments that nobody else sees.

Please remember that you’re not broken for feeling this way. You adapted in order to survive a very difficult situation, and those survival habits take time—and kindness toward yourself—to unlearn. There are people and resources who understand trauma and social anxiety, and with the right support, things really can become easier over time.

For what it’s worth, the courage it took to share your story and to be this honest about your fears already shows that there’s a resilient part of you that wants something better. That part of you deserves patience, compassion, and hope.

Reading your words, one thing is very clear: you have carried more than most people should ever have to carry. And the fact that you are still here—still speaking, still hoping for love and connection—says so much about your strength. Even if you didn’t notice it before because you were in survival mode, that strength is very real.

What you described about the memories, the shaking at night, and the feeling like you’re always waiting for something bad to happen is something many trauma survivors experience. Your mind and body learned for a long time that the world wasn’t safe, so they are still trying to protect you now. There is nothing “wrong” with you for reacting that way. Your nervous system has simply been through a lot. Healing from that takes time, gentleness, and support.

The part where you watch the kids outside laughing and playing—and you smile, even though it also hurts—really shows how big your heart is. Even after everything, you still recognize joy and tenderness in the world. That ability to notice softness and kindness is actually a sign that your light is still there.

And please hear this: the things you did when you were younger to survive your pain are not something to be ashamed of. When someone is hurting that deeply and has no support, they cope in the only ways they know how. Those scars are not proof of failure—they are proof that you made it through moments that could have taken you out. You survived.

Wanting gentle affection, safety, cuddles, kindness—someone who protects and cares for you—are not “too much,” and they are not wrong. Those are basic human needs. Everyone deserves to feel safe, comforted, and loved in ways that respect their boundaries.

I also want to say this about your identity: the way you see yourself, the boy you know you are inside, is valid. Dysphoria can be incredibly painful, especially when you’ve already gone through so much trauma. But your identity is yours, and it deserves respect and patience—especially from yourself.

It sounds like you’ve also been trying really hard to reach out for help—getting on therapy waitlists, trying groups, and looking for support. That effort matters. Even if the system has been slow or disappointing, the fact that you’re still trying shows how much you want a better life for yourself. And that is a powerful thing.

I really love the idea you mentioned about starting a blog and writing about things like your dream bedroom. That might seem small, but imagining safe spaces and gentle futures can actually be a beautiful step in healing. Sometimes healing begins with small moments of imagination and self-kindness.

And about the light inside you—yes, I do believe it’s there. People who have completely lost their light often stop hoping, stop caring, and stop reaching out. But you are still hoping for love. You still notice laughter. You still thank people for kindness. You still want to heal. That’s light.

Maybe your light is a soft color—something warm and steady. The kind that flickers sometimes when things are hard, but never truly goes out.

For now, holding your stuffie, taking baby steps, writing your thoughts, and getting through one day at a time is more than enough. Healing doesn’t happen all at once—it happens in small, brave steps exactly like the ones you’re taking. You deserve gentleness, safety, care, connection, and chosen family.

Keep in mind that you’re not alone in this, even if it has felt that way for much of your life. It’s never too late to start building a life that feels safer, kinder, and more your own—one small step at a time. 🤍 There are people out there, and in spaces like this, who understand trauma, autism, and LGBTQ+ experiences and want to support one another. While none of us here are professionals, you’re always welcome to reach out to the group—or to me directly—for encouragement or general guidance. And if you’d ever like to take a more active role in the group, let me know; sometimes being involved in a small, supportive way can help you feel a little less alone.

Finally, remember that your story isn’t finished yet. There is still so much room in your future for the safety, softness, and love you’ve always deserved. 💜

Please take care and continue to be strong! Best wishes!