Trauma triggers weekend

[BabyPoppy]

I'm awake at 2 am... it's not normal anymore, but tomorrow is gonna be a lot and my body is preparing with pain, and racing thoughts... Well, actually it's been a tough day all around... 

On Friday I had to work at a Girl Scout Cookie booth with my youngest... stand in one place for 2 hours... I struggle to walk through the store for 15 minutes to pick up fruits and veggies, but she needed a parent to be present... plus everyone is really talking about me in town and a few asked how I was doing, others ignored us and some just gave me that pity look..😢

 

Tomorrow I am going wedding dress shopping with my oldest... an hour and a half from home... I have to drive coz she's riding with her maid of honor and I'm taking my youngest along. We're supposed to get a blizzard tomorrow afternoon, so I plan to cut the day short, only one bridal store and lunch... but even that is bringing back so much... 

My wedding experience was terrible... I had just had my youngest... I kept telling my ex hubby no I'm not ready to get married,  and he moved his stuff into my house while I was at work before the baby was born... then lotsa bad stuff happened and when she was like a month old, he too the girls and I to a jewelry store, a nice one to look at rings... I was still saying no, but I found a pretty one, that was simple and elegant... the next thing I knew I was paying for my cheap ring and his expensive ring! His cost 3x mine and it was his 3rd marriage, but my first marriage! 2 weeks later we traveled 4 hours with a 6 week old baby and a school age kiddo in winter to find a wedding dress... I had to show him each one so he could pick... (I still didn't wanna marry him! I had post partum depression... or at least thought I did... now i think I had an  abusive relationship). He planned the whole wedding... Flowers, cake, location, date, flower girl dresses, wedding party... I had no choice! 

All I wanted was a simple wedding with my church family and close friends and family... followed with BBQ sandwiches,  salads, veggies, lemonade, and cake. Kids dance party music, games and time to see everyone! No alcohol,  no stressful multi- location driving instructions. Just simple and fun. My kids in the wedding party and a mentor couple. A celebration not a performance...

It ended up being a surprise elopement 2 states away coz my ex had an outstanding warrant in my state for unpaid tickets! Then he forgot the divorce papers he needed abd we had to wait all weekend to get married... He went and picked up his favorite ex girlfriend and brought her to be a witness to our wedding! Then she road home with us 6 hours which turned into 8 hours due to bad weather and missed all the bus connections to go back home! She spent the night in my tiny 2 bedroom house on my wedding night, which meant the baby had to sleep in my room, too... plus my ex and her had drinks at supper to toast my marriage, but I couldn't drink coz I had to drive us home! And I never got to wear the wedding dress coz it was still being altered! 

Later I donated my wedding dress to a nonprofit that uses the fabric to make funeral clothes for infants who die. So something good came of my wedding! 

Now I get to go shopping with my daughter tomorrow shopping for her wedding dress, remembering all this crap, when I already feel crappy and there's a izzard coming and Sunday there's a potluck after church! It's all just too much stress once. 

 

Any wisdom or support would be helpful! 

Poppy 💕 

[MasterPhotog]

@BabyPoppy It seems like you’re carrying a lot right now—physical pain, lack of sleep, tough memories, worry about the weather, and the emotional weight of wanting to show up for your daughters while your body and heart are already stretched thin. Anyone in your position would feel overwhelmed. The fact that you still showed up for the cookie booth and are planning to go dress shopping tomorrow says a lot about the kind of mom you are. Your daughters are lucky to have someone who loves them that deeply. 💛

What you went through in your own marriage story is painful and unfair. Being pushed into decisions when you weren’t ready, having your voice ignored, and carrying all that while caring for a newborn are real wounds. It makes complete sense that wedding-related things would stir those memories up. Nothing about your reaction is “too much” or wrong; it’s your mind trying to process things that were never okay in the first place.

But tomorrow doesn’t have to be a repeat of that past. This time, you’re not powerless. You’re not being pushed. You’re going as a mom who loves her daughter and gets to witness her joy. Even if it’s just one store and lunch, that’s enough. You’ve already given yourself permission to keep the day short if needed, which is wise. It doesn’t have to be perfect—it just has to be good enough.

A few gentle thoughts that might help tomorrow feel lighter:

• Take it moment by moment. You don’t have to carry the whole day at once. Just focus on the next step—getting there, sitting down, watching her try one dress.

• Give yourself permission to rest when you need to. Sit, breathe, step outside for a few minutes if emotions spike.

• Remember: this day is about her story, not your past. Your presence alone will mean more to her than you realize.

• Hold onto the beautiful part of your own story: even after everything, you chose to turn your dress into something that comforts grieving families. That says so much about your heart.

Also, try not to carry the weight of what people in town think. The looks, the whispers, the pity—those are reflections of their assumptions, not your worth or your strength. Anyone who truly sees you would see a woman who has survived a lot and is still standing for her kids.

Tonight, if sleep won’t come, maybe just focus on rest instead of forcing sleep—slow breathing, a warm drink, reminding yourself: “Tomorrow I only have to do what I can.” That’s enough.

And one more thing: years from now, your daughter probably won’t remember the weather or how long you stayed at the shop. She’ll remember that her mom was there when she found her dress. That moment will belong to the two of you. 💕

You’re stronger than this moment feels right now. One step at a time tomorrow. Best wishes!
 

[redruffle41]

Hey Poppy. It was sad but also good to read some of your back story. It makes me feel like I know you a little more. So, thanks for sharing.  

In dialectical behavioral therapy there's a concept called Wisemind. Where essentially you ask yourself: "what's the best way I can take care of myself right now." Are you familiar with this or with DBT? I suggest you use this phrase each time you notice you're have a feeling or having a difficult thought this weekend. For me it would mean asking for a chair, or letting folks know if I need quiet or put on a song just for me. Or a piece of cinnamon gum... I had to learn that there's ways to be around people without disappearing or having no needs.  

Contending with a difficult past while parenting your kids towards a better future is one of the most painful and anxious parts of being a mom. I just want to say you're doing it! Yay! (Suuucks and is so hard to parent!) And you have my deep understanding.  I hope you carry me with you today just a bit. So you don't feel so lonely while your kids are enjoying your support around you. 

I had an unhappy marriage too. For me, I felt unseen and disconnected.  I didn't feel safe or understood when I was with my ex. And I had a lot of disrespect for him. I wasn't a good wife. And he wasn't a good husband. And I'm still grieving the fact that it didn't work because I spent 16 years with him....and it's such a deep fathomless loss of my TIME. MY LIFE. I still have my wedding dress.... And it makes me sad for the woman I was. I was trying so hard to force the happy life that I wanted. I made my choices and I'm....sad about them but that doesn't mean I don't understand why I did what I did. And I still try to love myself even though I disregarded my own feelings and sold myself away cheaply. I am trying to heal now. And you are too! And healing always seems to mean feeling pain. Im glad you're in the process of healing. I hope it bears fruit. I hope you find ways to prepare for a better future for yourself as well as for your kids. It's coming. Don't lose hope.

 

Em

[BabyPoppy]

Thanks for the support! 

I do know a ton of DBT... I graduated from a group once upon a time ago, but didn't master all the skills (relationships are hard for me)... the group had some serious problems too and I was in for over 18 months... I'm super great at distraction techniques,  mindfulness,  and Wise Mind, plus emotion regulation I made it to about 60 - 70 % I'm better at those skills now... interpersonal skills... 25% maybe 30%... an area in need of growth...🤷‍♀️ figures... 

I've also done EMDR, CBT, some inner child work, art therapy, a Christian 12 step group for co-dependency, and a few other therapy things... it usually just comes down to me moving on to a different therapist or agency and hoping for the best... I've been through lotsa therapists and several therapy agencies... 😢 

When I was at Mayo they said I've been misdiagnosed for the past 25 years... not bipolar, but PTSD and hormonal imbalance instead. So my therapists and doctors have been treating me for the wrong illnesses all this time. Wrong meds, wrong treatment plans and wrong providers... plus it's compounded the trauma by waiting so long to treat the real problem other trauma has built on top and my physical body is hurting...

I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and whatever journey I am on, this is just another step on the path. I am a fighter. I am resilient.  I am stronger than I ever thought possible.  I need a rest and time to heal as I process what has happened,  but my life isn't over. My life is changing directions quickly, for the better and I am finding peace and comfort in answers.