AITA?????

[sheepie uwu]

I realize that it's been months since I've been active here, irl constantly in the way. I hope you all are doing well or aiming towards getting better.

Anyways, I'm going to be as vague as possible. Trigger warning: partner toxicity/unhealthy dynamic

Spoiler

I've had the adult talk about my boundaries with my romantic partner multiple times over the course of our relationship. Every time was while I was in bigspace. Gentle reminders here and there that I've got mental health issues I'm currently processing. They are happily allosexual, while I'm a traumatized asexual.

AITA for being pissed that my boundaries keep being overlooked? Tonight I had to physically push my partner away. I said no/stop multiple times before pushing. We have never used safe words because no means no stop means stop, so it's not like they were waiting for another word/indication. Pushing did get them to stop.

When I brought my boundaries up shortly after it happened, I immediately felt like I was supposed to feel guilty. My partner sighed and expressed frustration with my issues and said, and I'm paraphrasing here, that they were holding back how they felt about me initiating the adult talk again.

Shortly after it happened, but before the adult talk, this incident caused me to have a flashback within the first hour. I was doing something completely unrelated. If I express my frustration any further tonight, they're just going to be further emotionally unavailable. So I said what needed said and dropped it.

Life for us has been stressful due to financial issues lately. They are having to work overtime and tonight was the first night off in a week. I really want to point at the stressful job environment and that my well-meaning partner is just burnt out/wants physical attention more than usual. I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt, but I've never had to physically push like this before.

To be transparent;

I initiated a small conversation about porn in passing today. It wasn't intended to be an open invitation to fool around. Could this sort of conversation be seen as an invite to further things along? Particularly if you're allo? It feels silly not being able to have an lOL dIsCuSsIoN about porn with your s/o to me, so I'm trying to understand if I should avoid this or not in the future.

Just so you know, I'm not scared for my physical safety. I'm more than willing to go final boss mode if needed. But I'm more than just a bit pissed that no didn't instantly mean no.

So again;

AITA for being upset at my partner over having to push them away? I don't really want to throw away almost a decade, but the red flags keep popping out of the closet and this one is much bigger than some of the others.

I can't help but wonder if my partner has hidden resentment towards my trillion issues.