Some of my creative writing around mental health etc

[redruffle41]

Hey folks I wrote this last year. This helped me when I was feeling emotional. I've always felt really split in half and on the fence about everything in my life. Ambivalence is my middle name. Thanks for checking it out and plz feel free to comment and or say what writing and or reading does for you in your journey.

 

red touch yellow.....

The little girl in DDlg. I love her. She wants to play and explore. She wants to crawl into your lap and have you explain that you're doing. She wants to be loved and loving with you. She is everything good, light, and innocent that she can be. She also wants to fuck and have you play with her panties and do naughty special things. All around she's a dream.

The little girl in DDlg. I hate her. She's weak, insecure and needs constant validation. It feels like an empty hole that would never be filled no matter what. When that hole opens up it wants to swallow everything and everyone around it so that nothing; blackness, is all there is left. Run. Run away from her so fast. She will never be ready for a healthy relationship. She's toxic from the day she was born and no matter how hard she works in therapy there's no u doing that damage. She can only learn to live with it. She will never be your golden princess because she hates everything that she isn't capable of being.

And somewhere between these two I exist. I wrestle both of these bears. And believe me they are both work. Cuz cute little golden light of happiness girl gets herself hurt so many times it's unbelievable (sometimes over and over again with the same person). She's easy to love for sure but that doesn't make you special. She would give that love to anyone bc that's what good girls do. No boundaries. No self protection. So as Loving as she is there is very little loyalty from someone who loves so easily. You're gonna love how easy I am and learn to mistrust me at the same time. And that little black dust mote of a girl with all her insecurities would need so much guidance, support and therapy from you that the relationship would just have to end eventually. And maybe I would be better off but would you? After helping me and providing guidance where would you be?

You have been warned....bad for a fellow.

[MasterPhotog]

@redruffle41 

This really resonates—thank you for sharing something so personal. It’s a reminder that even the “on-the-fence” parts of us deserve a voice, too. Here's my two cents worth: 

That feeling of being “split in half” and sitting in ambivalence is something many of us carry, even if we don’t always say it out loud. There’s something powerful about putting it into words the way you did—it transforms something heavy into something we can actually sit with and begin to understand.

I appreciate that you returned to your own writing when you were feeling emotional. That says a great deal about the kind of space you’ve created for yourself—almost like leaving a light on for a future version of you. Writing can do that in such a beautiful way.

For me, reading and writing have been ways to make sense of the in-between moments—the ones without clear answers. They don’t always resolve the ambivalence, but they do help me feel less alone within it.

In the first scenario, I feel positively about all aspects of the little girl’s character. As her mentor, I would welcome the opportunity to support her in building self-esteem and confidence, and in helping her feel proud of herself. However, I’m less comfortable with some/many aspects of her character in the second scenario.

Existing between these two extremes and grappling with both sides suggests that you’ve engaged in a great deal of honest, difficult reflection—and that takes real courage. The way you describe these parts of yourself doesn’t come across as “too much” or “not enough.” It reads as someone who cares deeply, feels deeply, and is trying to find a way to be both safe and open at the same time.

You’re not alone in that tension. Many people move between giving too much and then pulling back out of fear of being hurt. Neither side is the problem—both are trying to protect you, just in different ways.

That warm, loving part of you isn’t something to dim or apologize for. The goal isn’t to stop loving easily, but to pair that love with boundaries so it is respected rather than taken for granted. And the more guarded, insecure side of you doesn’t make you a burden—it simply reflects areas that need care, reassurance, and time to heal. The right people won’t see that as “too much work”; they’ll meet it with patience rather than try to fix it.

It may also be worth gently challenging one belief you mentioned: loving easily does not mean you’re not loyal. Loyalty isn’t defined by how many people you can love—it’s reflected in how you show up once trust and commitment are established. Those are skills that can be developed, not traits you lack.

You are not “either/or.” You’re someone learning to integrate both sides—to hold onto your softness without abandoning yourself, and to protect yourself without closing off your heart.

And that kind of growth doesn’t make you harder to love—it makes your love more genuine, more grounded, and more sustainable.