Sharing some difficult stuff

[redruffle41]

Hey you guys

Im gonna post cuz I don't know what else to do. It feels really weird to put these words and thoughts out here... I guess it's vulnerable and I tend to avoid vulnerability. I thought it might be good for me to share from a place that I don't normally. Anyways, my therapist might agree with that.

So, I have struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a young kid. My sense of myself was formed around having a belief that there was something wrong with me (thanks invalidating childhood 🙄). Mental anguish and the need to struggle to survive are constants. Ive been diagnosed with cptsd and gad.  I guess it's hard to explain but maybe there are some of you out there that understand this personally and I don't have to try to say anymore. Depression and anxiety just ARE. 

I've had loads of therapy and I have a therapist now. And I'm not in any danger of self harm. 

Here it goes: I am so desperately sad, lonely and scared. It almost feels like my depression and anxiety has leveled up to autoimmune levels. I mean to say that any good thought, hope and attempt at lightness just seems to get attacked by a part of my brain that is looking to snuff out any lightness. I think this is a self defense mechanism that has gone haywire. I used to be happy and light and I got hurt, so I think my brain is keeping the happy suppressed in an effort to make sure I don't get hurt again.

My mental health struggle has been going on for so long....this whole year has just been so horrible. Its been going on for so long that I'm scared that I won't be able to heal from this. I'm worried I'm going to get so used to this horrible, blah, scared, feeling that my brain and self will forget any other way to be.

  I keep hitting rock bottoms, with not enough recovery time in between. Life events just keep happening. Difficult things, normal things....I no longer feel resilient to life. I have always been scared to face life, and I wonder somehow if I have self fulfilled that angst. I wonder if I'm being trapped by my own sense of being trapped!  I feel numb. I feel surprised that I am still going. Im just waiting for the next horrible/normal life thing to come along and wring out my energy and sense of strength. I am soaked in the feeling that I don't want to do this anymore and I just want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head. When did this get so hard? I mean I thought it was bad before but now it's worse. 

I'm also so clearly dealing with this by isolating. That's why maybe writing this here is a good idea. Who knows maybe it's not. I just don't feel like I'm good enough for a relationship. And I really want one. 😔 I feel fine to connect with others when I feel fine but when I feel bad I always make sure to hold that part back. Im keenly aware of exposing this side of myself to others because it just so vulnerable. It can hurt when others don't know what to say. It can be so heavy when others' words....don't really fix anything. This depression and angst just seem to wear away at relationships. And in the mean time I'm feeling more alone than ever. It feels like the greater the need the more I have to be careful....like I'm holding back a dam of emotions and I might be too much for someone. 

That's another hard part. No one can fix this. Only me. And I'm trying. I do therapy, I'm trying to learn what actually helps and works when I'm going through something like this. Im so angry at me. Im so angry that I put myself in these positions to suffer. Im so mad at the choices I've made in the past. Im so angry about my life circumstances and it's me who put myself here. I would either intentionally choose the difficult path out of sheer stupid stubborn ego or even me just needing to figure out how to manage my mental health....I feel like I make it so hard for myself. I wonder if a part of me wants to suffer or doesn't think I deserve good things in life. It's like I expected life to be miserable and difficult so I....made sure it would happen...? Is that right? Why would I do that? Fear of failure?

I used to practice more mindfulness, I had a mental framework for managing emotions and getting through life. But something has shifted. Something isn't letting me believe in that old way of thinking anymore. I notice a part of me is angry and stubborn; pushing away at any positivity. I don't want to do good things right now or maybe even ever. I used to believe in meditation, mindfulness and emotional regulation practices. I teach them at my job for christsake!!  I wonder now if its all just bullshit. I feel so dumb when I think about how much ego and confidence I used to have. I feel like it doesn't matter how much I knew about mental health practices because I still ended up like this; more depressed than ever. Questioning all my life choices. 

In the mean time I'm lonely and constantly looking for friends, validation or to be important. To be someone who is seen as happy, strong and worthwhile having around when sometimes I feel the exact opposite of those things. How do you all WORK on this part of yourself WITH yourself????? What the heck am I missing here?

[innerchildtml]

Thank you for being vulnerable here.  That is very hard to do.  I have some understanding of what this might be like.  My daughter has CPTSD from before her time with me.  

Its like shes always fighting her brains responses. Its go to is the sky is falling, everything is bad, and no one likes us.  

First huge hugs to you.  Like big sully from monsters inc hugs. 

Second and this is hard, you have to give yourself grace. My kiddo said the DBT therapy was the best and she uses those skills all the time. Every day is work though and thats hard. 

We are your friends and you can always message me and if the forum is working I got you. Your also welcome to another method if that would help. 

I have gad and our brains struggle a lot and we second guess everything. Girl all I can say is I got you.  Im sure there are others who would say the same.  

Its hard these days not to feel lonely and touch starved. Im with you.  Know you are loved and there are people rooting for you.

[redruffle41]

Thanks @innerchildtml 💜 🌈 💜 

Your message was really nice; it helped me feel understood and appreciated. It's been awesome getting to know you. 😊