New diagnosis PTSD

[BabyPoppy]

On Monday I was finally diagnosed with PTSD. My therapists, psychiatrists, and the shelter workers have been treating me for this for the past 10 - 14 years, but my medical teams have seen many more things posted in my medical records from my first couple of years of college.

I really struggled when I went to college. I struggled because I was on high dose, hormone alternating medication for my asthma and allergies. My family had also denied any abuse was happening to me as a child, told me I was lying and a bad kid. Plus, my primary abuser was reaching out and telling me I was lied to, but he just wanted to be there for me. It was a perfect storm for mental anguish and confusion. It was happening at the perfect time for all these new psychopharmocology things were happening with SSRIs, SNRIs and all the other new meds to treat mental health were just coming out on the market. I was crashing from hormonal imbalance in my adrenal glands and physical illness,  but it looked like depression. I was struggling to build healthy relationships,  express my emotions at an age appropriate level, and feel safe in new environments which looked like BPD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder/Panic Disorder.  I was reliving past experiences that I was told never happened, having nightmares, night terrors and completely dissociating for extended time periods which looked liked Dissociate Identity Disorder. 

I could go on, and on, and on... because no one believed me. Because I couldn't trust my own thoughts, emotions, feelings, even beliefs about myself and the world.

The meds they fed me triggered spontaneous mood swings, reactions to meds I should never have been on based on my current genetics profile (hind sight is 20/20) and allowed for a diagnosis of bipolar 2, which has led my medical team in treatments for over 25 years. 

My chronic pain,  was an over reaction, not fibromyalgia and of course no one treated it other than a simple pill. They didn't try education and lifestyle change or working with my therapist on stress management.  

My endometriosis was just me being sensitive til the GI specialist found several 5.5 cm cysts and ovarian torsion... several surgeries and a hysterectomy later and the doctors still don't understand why that was so difficult for me to face.  🤦‍♀️

The chronic migraines,  the severe GERD that's led to Barrett's Esophagus,  the newly diagnosed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, a broken foot that won't heal and re-opens regularly... my medical teams were unsuccessful because they saw bipolar... but I never had a manic episode... 

As I sat for the evaluation at Mayo last week (and an addition eval a few months ago), they both said that the cause of my symptoms was what was important,  not the symptoms themselves. If my depression symptoms were only present when I was in pain or sick to my stomach or other health crisis,  then it wasn't actually major depression. It was a physical problem, causing the depression. If my anxiety was coming from a desire to feel safe or out of fear for my safety or the safety of those I'm responsible for, then the diagnosis is PTSD, not GAD, Panic Disorder...  The flashbacks, nightmares, night terrors and dissociating are all part of being severely abused and then repeating those patterns over and over in my life because Ididn'tget the help I needed. . It's not Dissociate Identity Disorder.  

As for the bipolar. She cannot 100% say no, because if I had 1 hypomania and 1 depression then I could have that diagnosis,  however, I lived without my meds for 4 years as a single mom after the birth of my first child. I worked, finished my 4 year degree and found full time employment.  I only started back on meds when my body was in constant pain and I couldn't sleep, so I went to the dr for help. They saw bipolar and immediately started me on meds without any testing.... (my regular dr was on vacation). So changing my meds will need to be done very carefully. 

Now there's hope. We're going forward with the PTSD diagnosis. Hopefully that will continue to help me find healing and wholeness. There's a plan for my therapist and psychiatrist going forward.  It will not be easy, but there's a plan.

I am going to the Pain Rehabilitation Center at Mayo in June for 16 days. They blend physical therapy, occupational therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy,  and biofeedback together to help me build a healthy framework for my life. Together we will decide the next steps in my life.

Do I continue my current role as a teacher with children who come from challenging environments?

Do I change jobs to something part time out of the public eye? Minimize triggers and provide structure to my day.

Do I look at disability? I've been down that road before.  It's scary and difficult,  but if that's where I'm at, then we head that way. 

Everyday is another step forward. Fear is part of the story, but not the whole story. Everyday I gain a little more freedom and learn more about who I really am. And I like me. 

Poppy 💕 

[MasterPhotog]

Poppy, 

Thank you for sharing this so honestly. I’m really glad you finally have a diagnosis that fits—that kind of clarity can be powerful, even after such a long and difficult road.

It sounds like you’ve carried so much for so many years, often without being heard or understood. And yet, you kept going, kept searching for answers, and kept building a life—that matters.

I’m really encouraged reading that there’s now a plan in place and a team looking at the full picture. The path ahead may not be easy, but it is forward. Step by step, like you said.

Wishing you steadiness, support, and continued moments where you recognize yourself and think, “I like me too.” 💛