Grief and Depression

[innerchildtml]

I have felt like I was managing grief okay. Sadness is normal. The panic attacks were new, but I already have OCD and anxiety so that made sense. 

I have never had serious depression and with my OCD I try not to start compulsive behavior. Im finding getting to sleep each day is getting harder and getting out of bed is even harder. 

Im finding either I cant stop moving or cant start.  And while im completing stuff nothing seems to bring me joy the way it used to.  

I know this is part of grief and my doctor is following me and will adjust meds when needed. I just hate that I thought I was doing okay and now Im struggling more than I was right after AJ passed.  

I thought watching my husband pass would be the hardest thing I ever did.  Apparently I was wrong. 

My brain refusing to function making me feel unlike myself is the worst.  

Not having someone to hold me through the tears is worse. 

Feeling like I am letting others down or making their lives harder is worse.

Crying over stupid things, like finding a stash of my favorite chicken strip sauce he kept just in case is worse.

As someone who is used to being in control at work and being directed when not, being fully out of control with no guidance is worse.

Having to make every decision from big to small is worse.

Feeling like no one really knows me anymore and most likely will not is worse.

I don't expect anything from this post or group. I just needed a safe space to write.  

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.  

[BabyPoppy]

I'm here to listen if you need a friend.  

[Lil_K47]

i'm so sorry sweetie! I know you know this, just remember grief is a process. You're gonna have  good and bad days, rest and repeat. if you're on discord and there as well feel free to send me a follow and I'm happy to give you my info if you ever wanna chat.

I've kind of been slacking but a lot of us use the Finch app. It's great for setting goals and little chores and we all try to support each other, maybe something like that could help give you a little bit of structure. and it's super cute! 

[redruffle41]

Heard. Thank YOU. 💜 

[MasterPhotog]

@innerchildtml
What you wrote is so real, and so human. There’s nothing “wrong” with you for feeling this way—even the parts that feel confusing or like a step backward. Grief isn’t linear, and it doesn’t stay in one place. Sometimes it waits until the shock softens, and then it asks you to carry it in deeper, heavier ways.

The way you described it—being unable to stop or unable to start, things losing their joy, your mind not feeling like your own—that’s something a lot of people experience in grief, even if it’s not talked about enough. It doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means your mind and body are trying to process something enormous.

And the “small” things you mentioned? They’re not small at all. That sauce stash… that’s love. That’s memory. Of course it hurts. Those moments can hit harder than the big ones because they’re so personal and unexpected.

You’re also carrying so much responsibility on top of that loss—making every decision, trying to function, worrying about others. That’s a heavy load for anyone, let alone someone grieving this deeply. It makes sense that it feels overwhelming.

Not having someone to hold you through it… that kind of absence is profound. I’m really sorry you’re facing that. You deserve comfort, softness, and support, even if it has to come in different forms right now.

You’re not letting people down. You’re surviving something incredibly difficult. Getting out of bed, making a decision, even writing this post—those are not small things right now.

It also makes sense that it feels harder now than it did at the beginning. Early grief can be shock and adrenaline. Later grief is where reality settles in, and that can feel even more painful in a different way.

I’m really glad you shared this. Even if you didn’t expect anything back, you deserve to be heard. You’re not alone in these feelings, even if it feels isolating.

If today is heavy, it’s okay to just get through today. That’s enough. Please continue taking one-day-at-time while trusting better days are on their way.