A space for truth

[RoseyLittle]

This is and will continue to be a really rough week. I need a space to put my thoughts and feelings…and it got far too long for a status update. 🫠

One year ago this Friday, we drove to North Bay for my father-in-law’s death. In a surreal and cruel twist of fate we are back only a year later as my brother-in-law goes into hospice for liver cancer. 

He is such a beautiful soul and I am grieving deeply, but even more so for his wife and son, and his amazing mother who only just lost her husband. 

Within this year my life has fundamentally changed in ways I’ve barely had time to process. The last time I came up, I travelled with my husband/Daddy. I played the role of supportive wife and sub. And I really thought we were happy. I posted here at the time, ready to support my person and his family in their grief.  Now here we are again and yet everything is so different. I don’t recognize my life.

Over the last year I have begun to understand the depth of infidelity in my marriage and the reason for him pulling away in our relationship and dynamic. I fought my best for repair and was willing to heal and trust. I fought for my marriage and ultimately survived him choosing to end it. None of which I could have done without my people and this beautiful community. Or music - my constant lifeline.

But while my immediate family and best friends know. His family does not. He hasn’t wanted to tell them yet - especially with his mother still grieving and then his brother getting sick. And I have given him that time.

I’ve been trying my best to keep the family together, living together and coparenting our 3 and 7 year old. Most of the times I barely keep my head above water. 

Flash forward and here we are driving up again. But I am not married. And I am standing beside the man who blew up my entire world and walked away like it was easy.  And none of them know. This strange undercurrent of grief that is only mine in a sea of other grief. 

I have to remind myself I am here because it feels important to me. Because I love this family no matter if we are together or not. They are my family too. My girls family. Because I believe in compassion and kindness and shaping the world with it. So I will be there for him, and them in the small ways I can offer. While I also make sure to take care of me. 

I will also learn from this - know my boundaries that have come out of this experience. I can’t keep pretending for him. He needs to make a timeline and plan to tell them. (We will be telling our kiddos too but I’m waiting on the waitlist for the services I connected us to for family therapy to help and be part of that process).

So just for right now, I need a space where I get to say my truth too. That I’m watching a woman lose her husband in the worst way possible. While I've lost mine in secret. That in four days it is my wedding anniversary and it hurts so very deeply. That this bizarre full circle experience is like walking through glass shards and trying not to get cut. A thousand little reminders of what I’ve lost, while pretending I still have it. That the man and Daddy who promised forever, who took my vows and my submission…Who I knelt for with absolute blinding faith and love for 15 years could do this to me. And sometimes I’m still the little trauma survivor who can’t figure out why I wasn’t worth choosing, never understanding what I’m doing wrong. 

I know I am strong enough, and I know I’m doing the right thing being here for the people I love. Living the values I believe in. That this too shall pass and get easier. Especially as we move forward in no longer holding this ridiculous facade.

I also know that despite my entire world burning down around me, I am rebuilding and I am healing and I am discovering things I didn’t even know existed - like being deserving of love that is safe and kind. That the ending of what was harmful to me just might be the best thing that happened to me. And for my girls. But knowing and seeing the good , and believing in my capacity to get out, doesn’t make it hurt less. Especially right now. 
 

 

[MasterPhotog]

@RoseyLittle Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal and vulnerable. ❤️ I can only imagine how difficult it must be to walk through this week carrying so many layers of grief, heartbreak, memories, and change all at once.

What really stood out to me is your incredible compassion. Even while you are hurting so deeply yourself, you are choosing to be there for people you love, while also beginning to recognize that you deserve to take care of yourself and honour your own boundaries. That takes an enormous amount of strength and dedication.

Please remember that you don’t have to minimize your own grief simply because others around you are grieving too. Your loss is real. Your pain is real. And you are allowed to acknowledge it, especially during a week filled with reminders of what you thought your life would be.

And for what it’s worth, none of what happened to you determines your worth or whether you were deserving of love. You deserved honesty, kindness, safety, and a love that chose you fully.

Be gentle with yourself over these next few days. You don’t have to be strong every moment. You’re allowed to grieve, to feel angry, to feel lost, and to still have hope for what comes next—all at the same time.

The fact that you are rebuilding, healing, setting boundaries, and discovering what safe and healthy love can look like is incredibly meaningful. One day at a time. ❤️ Sending you so much love, strength, and compassion as you navigate this incredibly painful chapter.
 

[Just Anna]

I am so incredibly sorry you’re having to walk through this. If I could wave a magic wand and take this pain from you, I would. I would give anything to spare you even one tear, one sleepless night, one moment of wondering how you’re supposed to put your life back together.

But I can’t take the pain away. What I can do is remind you that you are not alone. 

There are people here in this community who love you. People who will stand beside you when you feel like you’re falling. People who will remind you that you are still you beneath all this hurt.

You don’t have to know what tomorrow looks like. You don’t have to have the answers. You don’t even have to be okay today.

Just keep breathing. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Let yourself grieve what you lost, because it mattered. Let yourself cry, because it mattered. Let yourself hurt, because you loved deeply.

And when you finally reach the other side of this chapter in your life, I hope you know that this wasn’t where your story ended, it was where you began writing a new chapter.

 

[BabyPoppy]

Sending you hugs and support. This is so painful. I'm so sorry. 

[Tendillo]

As I read this, I could scarcely believe the layers of pain, loss, betrayal ..... You are so brave, so strong, and compassionate right now, to be carrying all of this and still helping maintain this veneer of normality to protect the feelings of others. 

You didn't do anything wrong. You are still worth choosing, but the one you trusted lost sight of that. It wasn't your fault, it wasn't you who caused any of this, yet here you are carrying this thing not only for yourself, but to shield everyone else from such devastation at this painful time. 

And, as painful as this is, you are right to feel that this could be the best thing that happened, because this isn't an end, merely the closing of one door, and the opening of another in your life.  So, when you make it through that broken glass, past all the pain, I hope you will start to see that you are still worthy and deserving of love that is safe and kind.

Your friends are here, on the forum, and no doubt elsewhere. They will be here for you. Just take it as slowly as you need to and please don't be too hard on yourself. You never asked for any of this.

[Lil_K47]

Sending hugs and prayers to you and your family. You are a beautiful person inside and out my friend!! 
 

to be able to put your In-laws grief above you’re own and not share what you yourself are going through to support them in their time of need, shows exactly just how strong you are! 
 

people change over time, and that’s something you don’t have any control over. How someone else changes. 
 

just because your husband/daddy changed doesn’t make what you once had invalid. Or any less real. 

You May not be able to control how he changed, but you definitely get to control how you respond to his changes. You’ve done that with grace and dignity, and a caring heart! 

Just because he changed doesn’t mean You are not worth choosing! Because you ARE! 
 

All of your friends here, We CHOOSE  YOU !! We choose to love and support you for being your beautiful self! 
 

If you feel like you’re struggling this week, just remember that! 
 

reach out and we will hold you up! You’ve got this!! 🫶🫶❤️❤️

[Josey Wales]

My heart goes out to you Rosie , you are a beautiful soul !🤗

[RoseyLittle]

I just wanted to take a moment to thank every one of the voices here and this community that I feel wrapped around me. I read and re-read these words repeatedly over the last two weeks. I needed every single one of them, their wisdom, their guidance, their care. I honestly don’t think I could have held on without them and given myself for others with the compassion and support I wanted to show up with.

*trigger warning: death and dying

Spoiler

It has been a difficult two weeks. We spent five days bedside in hospice before needing to return to our children. We were only home for a day and a half (in a beautiful flurry of laundry and sticky fingers, and precious hugs) before we got the call that his death was imminent. We rallied our childcare and headed back up to Northbay where we sat bedside for 8 hours while he passed. 

It was not an easy or graceful death. It was real and gritty and I think I will hear those rattling breaths in my nightmares for as long as I live. I’ve supported much grief in my job, and I have survived loss before. But I have never sat bedside as someone fights for each breath. 

I am glad I was there to support those around me. And I’m glad we were all there to surround him in love and let him know it’s okay to let go. He was such a beautiful man and an amazing uncle to my girls. A true country boy who always wore plaid, built his home with his own hands, loved his wife and family fiercely, and never went hunting without his dogs. He built my children’s mud kitchen, and always let them play with his big leaf blower!

His wife was strong for him in every moment of the last two months. In July, he was working fulltime. Barely three months later he’s gone. That’s how fast the liver cancer ravished him. And she was in every moment, kissing him, making him laugh, loving him. When he finally passed she collapsed on the floor in utter grief. I got right with her until her mother and sister managed to pull themselves together enough to hold her. Then I wrapped my arms around my ex and held on tight as he fell apart. He lost his big brother and a best friend. 

I wept silently myself not only for all the hurting hearts in the room, but because I realized this was the first time in 9 months I’ve been in his arms. It felt like home, But a home you can never go back to - not that I want to. But the grief was profound.  

The next few days were a numb blur of arrangements and mourners visits. Yesterday we did the long drive home. I am so emotionally and physically spent. I feel like I’ve been playing 24/7 therapist and “big” for two weeks. I wouldn’t change a single thing I offered, but I was the support and process space for everyone else. And now I really need to crumble. I know that will come and I will give that to myself.

But not today! Today is the big yearly fair, so migraine and all I am bringing my sweet tiny humans for a day of running around, rides and junk food. Balloons and laughter and sunshine. And life. Because it does always continue and there are things here to celebrate. That we are a family. That I can love deeply even as that love changes and shifts. And that I can eat funnel cake! 

So thank you beautiful souls who held me and helped me. 💕

 

[Tendillo]

I don't think I have words enough to comfort you right now, so I send hugs in their place

🫂

[BabyPoppy]

2 hours ago, RoseyLittle said:

I just wanted to take a moment to thank every one of the voices here and this community that I feel wrapped around me. I read and re-read these words repeatedly over the last two weeks. I needed every single one of them, their wisdom, their guidance, their care. I honestly don’t think I could have held on without them and given myself for others with the compassion and support I wanted to show up with.

*trigger warning: death and dying

  Hide contents

It has been a difficult two weeks. We spent five days bedside in hospice before needing to return to our children. We were only home for a day and a half (in a beautiful flurry of laundry and sticky fingers, and precious hugs) before we got the call that his death was imminent. We rallied our childcare and headed back up to Northbay where we sat bedside for 8 hours while he passed. 

It was not an easy or graceful death. It was real and gritty and I think I will hear those rattling breaths in my nightmares for as long as I live. I’ve supported much grief in my job, and I have survived loss before. But I have never sat bedside as someone fights for each breath. 

I am glad I was there to support those around me. And I’m glad we were all there to surround him in love and let him know it’s okay to let go. He was such a beautiful man and an amazing uncle to my girls. A true country boy who always wore plaid, built his home with his own hands, loved his wife and family fiercely, and never went hunting without his dogs. He built my children’s mud kitchen, and always let them play with his big leaf blower!

His wife was strong for him in every moment of the last two months. In July, he was working fulltime. Barely three months later he’s gone. That’s how fast the liver cancer ravished him. And she was in every moment, kissing him, making him laugh, loving him. When he finally passed she collapsed on the floor in utter grief. I got right with her until her mother and sister managed to pull themselves together enough to hold her. Then I wrapped my arms around my ex and held on tight as he fell apart. He lost his big brother and a best friend. 

I wept silently myself not only for all the hurting hearts in the room, but because I realized this was the first time in 9 months I’ve been in his arms. It felt like home, But a home you can never go back to - not that I want to. But the grief was profound.  

The next few days were a numb blur of arrangements and mourners visits. Yesterday we did the long drive home. I am so emotionally and physically spent. I feel like I’ve been playing 24/7 therapist and “big” for two weeks. I wouldn’t change a single thing I offered, but I was the support and process space for everyone else. And now I really need to crumble. I know that will come and I will give that to myself.

But not today! Today is the big yearly fair, so migraine and all I am bringing my sweet tiny humans for a day of running around, rides and junk food. Balloons and laughter and sunshine. And life. Because it does always continue and there are things here to celebrate. That we are a family. That I can love deeply even as that love changes and shifts. And that I can eat funnel cake! 

So thank you beautiful souls who held me and helped me. 💕

 

Love you so much, my ftiend. 🫂