The thing I hate about trauma

[NickyMoon]

The thing I hate about trauma the very most is that it alters how you see everything. For example, a healthy relationship with open communication and zero red flags making me feel suspicious of it and not trusting it. I find myself having to gentle parent my brain to keep it from freaking out and blowing everything up. I am glad that Daddy is patient and knows my past so he doesn't push me when I'm in this mental space, but sometimes its really difficult to not run away because I'm tired of feeling broken. I'm not really sure why I'm posting about this but I needed to get it out and not have it festering in my head this time. 

[MasterPhotog]

@NickyMoon I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. Trauma can have such a lasting impact on how we see things, even when we’re finally in a healthy and loving relationship. It’s understandable that trusting something good can sometimes feel difficult when your past has taught you otherwise. Please be kind to yourself and remember that healing takes time. You’re not broken, and you deserve the love, patience, and happiness you have now. It’s wonderful that your Daddy understands and supports you through these difficult moments. Sometimes, just being able to express what you’re feeling can make a big difference. 

[InspireDaddy]

@NickyMoon
I'm so pleased you have found something beautiful, and so sorry you are struggling to fully enjoy it. 

I hope it helps a little to know that having doubts about something which seems 'too perfect' is actually very normal and human. It is actually a documented phycological phenomenon where people trust perfect individuals less, and prefer competent ones which make small mistakes or have small flaws. This is known as the Pratfall Effect https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pratfall_effect

Though I wonder if what you are really running away from is the fear of how deeply you could get hurt if you allow yourself to full commit to the relationship. When something is so perfect and so right there can be a temptation to run from it to protect yourself from the heartbreak and pain and losing something you love so much. It might seem easier to go without, or accept less, than risk commit to more.

Maybe the break you feel is your soul being tourn in two between the Daddy you clearly love, and the trauma and fear of how it could all go wrong if you gave yourself completely to that love and then lost it.

I don't blame you at all for feeling this way. But I would say... if you have something that special, that beautiful, that pure, then love, adore, and cherish every moment of it you can. 

Anything can go wrong at any time, their is so much completely beyond our control. You could lose it for so many reasons you would never predict or choose, but you can choose to what you are going to do right now, today, in this moment. 

It doesn't have to all or nothing, but each day you can chose a little bit more.

“Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark”
    -  Rabindranath Tagore

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[NickyMoon]

Thank you both for your kind words. I'm definitely trying to be kind to myself and knowing that its not just me that gets this way definitely helps. Also, I think @InspireDaddy hit the nail on the head here:

16 hours ago, InspireDaddy said:

Though I wonder if what you are really running away from is the fear of how deeply you could get hurt if you allow yourself to full commit to the relationship. When something is so perfect and so right there can be a temptation to run from it to protect yourself from the heartbreak and pain and losing something you love so much. It might seem easier to go without, or accept less, than risk commit to more.

Maybe the break you feel is your soul being tourn in two between the Daddy you clearly love, and the trauma and fear of how it could all go wrong if you gave yourself completely to that love and then lost it.

Even though Daddy has proven that he isn't like any of my ex partners, I know that the idea of feeling that amount of hurt again is part of what makes me so scared. I know that if they hadn't hurt me so bad that he wouldn't have to work to reassure me so much all the time. Very much like @MasterPhotog said. 

17 hours ago, MasterPhotog said:

It’s understandable that trusting something good can sometimes feel difficult when your past has taught you otherwise. Please be kind to yourself and remember that healing takes time. 

I'm very thankful for this forum and especially this club 🫶

[redruffle41]

Same here my little friend. I had to learn how to regulate around relationships...and still honor my gut feelings. I'm sure I have lost people because I just couldn't trust .... But in a way that's ok!! I'm following my gut and that way my whole self is welcome into the relationship. I just have to find what works for me and also keep learning and growing 💜 🐇