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"I need to be alone."


Foffy
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When you are the source of love, care, attention for someone...when you're the place they look to whenever they need advice, structure, rules, direction...you feel powerful. You feel like you can do anything for that person, and you're so happy that you have that ability and so happy that you can provide so much for someone; light up their life.

 

But there are some littles who need time alone when things get very scary. And that can make you, as a caretaker, feel so useless. Why can't I help you? Why can't my words or presence fulfill whatever it is you need? I've always been strong, ever-present, and tried my absolute hardest...why wasn't it good enough? Why can't I fix this? I'm Daddy. I'm supposed to be able to fix anything.

 

Are we really useless when this happens? Is it a friendly lie to cover up the fact that we just aren't good enough to handle this situation? Is it just something we have to learn to accept as caretakers? It's something I don't understand. Thoughts?

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I think it depends on the situation and your little. It's likely not something YOU did or didn't do. Personally I don't find being alone very helpful.

 

This is a good question for the caregivers though.

 

<3

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Unless you've experienced the actual space that a little gets into, for the need to be alone. Then you won't understand, and that's okay. I think personally that if I was in that situation, the most healthy and supportive thing a Daddy could do would to be there, not to push me into talking about things, not to constantly be bugging for information.

 

But just to be there, the message "I'm here if you need me." Goes such a long way, and the chances are once a little has had that time alone- they will totally come running back to you and need you again. 

Littles alike to any other person are very complicated, and no matter what type of person or dynamic you are in...you're going to need time alone. That's the way that everybody has time to reflect and think about their current situation, or even to just spend a little quality time getting to know oneself.

 

Daddy's are insanely good at fixing things, but when somebody needs time, take their word for it and give them silent support. As powerless as you may feel, give them time. And to be quite honest, you need not to forget that it's the submissive that has the final say, so don't think of it as 'not being a good enough daddy' or not 'able to fix things' as just sometimes, it doesn't need to be fixed.

 

I hope this helps, my waffle sometimes does contribute!

 

Sending you hugs and kisses 

 

Abi xox

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Ugh. It's a tricky thing. I myself cope with things alone, if I'm really upset I don't want my partner anywhere around me, if they're pushy and don't respect the fact I want some time alone, things more than likely will end up in a fight. What sucks even more is that I pretty much completely shut down and just don't want to communicate or explain anything, I just tell them I need to be alone and pretty much leave. This has been extremely hard on pretty much every friend and romantic partner I've had. 

 

Like Abi said the best thing you can do is respect them and just reassure them that you're going to be here if/when they need you. This really: 1) calms me down, makes me feel like I have this stability and that in the end things will be okay; 2) shows me that they care a lot, so much that even if they're hurt they put my needs at that moment in first place; 3) speeds up my coping with whatever is bothering me and can even mean letting my partner try to calm me. 

 

YOU ARE NOT USELESS. It's okay if this scares and confuses you. That's a normal human reaction and it's completely okay and valid. Don't be hard on yourself, I've had a lot of people "deal" with this behaviour and it's has been hard for every single one of them. Because they naturally want to fix things, to make things okay, to help me by them actively doing something. In this case it simply doesn't work. So just do what you can to let them know you're there, you love them, just some reassurance and then give them their space. This is helpful and you'll get better at it with time. I do suggest talking to them about it. BUT do it when they're calm and aren't dealing with something upsetting. Just have an honest talk with your partner that this scares you and you're not sure how to deal it with yet. Maybe they'll actually tell you what they want from you in the case. Just be open and communicate so this doesn't become an even bigger problem for you in the future. *sends a bunch of hugs* 

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Caregivers are humans too, they are not invincible, forever fixing, or always have the right answers.

The fact that you are here asking for advice because you feel like you are stuck with something is much to be admired.

You are not useless. You're actively looking for an answer to help yourself and your little.

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I know there are times where I want to be alone, but I still crave company. When this happens and I have a partner, usually we end up watching movies or tv, cuddling but not talking to each other really. For me hearing someone say (or reading someone type) that they're there for me is great, but it doesn't always do much for me. I'm a person that craves physical touch a lot though. In the times that I want to be fully alone it tends to be more about not wanting someone else to try and fix whatever is wrong, sometime that's because it isn't fixable. 

You truly aren't useless, but your little may not be able to verbalize what they want from you (I know I can't when I'm having that issue). Talk, even if your little doesn't want to talk about the situation now, when it passes try and come up with a list of things that you could do that might help them in the future should that happen again. 

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Guest starrflower

Some people just need more alone time than others.  It is truly nothing to take personal although I understand why someone would.  I personally get overloaded when I am around people too long or issues pile up and I just need space to work it out.  Maybe your little is this way.  Or maybe she is just having a hard time communicating which MissAiko mentioned.  You need to give yourself a break.  She is also an adult and needs to work things out on her own.   

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Guest Pouty Kitten

There are times where I need to be alone. It has nothing to do with my Daddy and does not mean he is inadequate at all. Everyone's different though, so you'd have to communicate with your partner.

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There are times when Daddy can't fix things, things I need to try or do myself. It's nothing against daddy but sometimes time alone is what I need. The best thing he can do is say ok I'm here if you need me and let me do what I need to do. It doesn't make you a bad caregiver. We are all human here. Sometimes as humans we need time alone. Even caregivers do sometimes.
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As a Daddy I truly understand your feelings, but sometimes your little needs a psychologist or a psychiatric. People who studied the human mind can be able to resolve problems that we cannot when the situation means a possible disease. If it was the case, we, as daddies, have to read about it, understand every aspect of the disease and stimulate the little to carry on. Believe, everything is possible with love and patience. You have to be strong all the time for your little. Take care of yourself to do this, ok? I know you can do anything!
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  • 2 months later...

Personally I like to be alone. Even though Daddy can be a great source of comfort and love, people just need to be alone sometimes. Don't be offended when your little needs some time to them self. Being alone with your thoughts can be very therapeutic.

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Guest sirdude77
We all need time alone. Showing respect for a littles need to be alone sometimes can bring each closer together in the long run.
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I think almost everyone needs alone time sometimes. For myself, personally, I have anxiety disorder and PTSD. When I need to be alone it has nothing to do with my Daddy not being enough. I was once in a relationship (M/s not DDlg) with a guy who didn't get that and it can be very difficult for both parties. In real life Daddies are human beings, they're not super heros and they don't have magical powers. They can't fix everything. It doesn't mean they're not good enough and it doesn't mean their little doesn't love/trust them enough to let them help.

 

Some examples for me:

 

I need medication and therapy to keep my mental health in check. No my Daddy's love cannot do just the same thing. Yes he loves me, and I need his love. I need his love, I live for his love. But I need that medicine and I need that therapy too. No amount of Daddy love can cure clinical depression or flashbacks or hallucinations or irrational paranoia. Why? Because these things are the result of chemical imbalances in the brain.

 

I sometimes need to be alone when I'm triggered. It's mostly because when certain things trigger me I become terrified...of everything. And if a person refuses to leave me when I need to be alone it's an unfortunate side effect that they could become someone I now fear on a more permanent basis.

 

Clearly, not everyone is the same as me. Everyone has their own reasons and their own needs. But I just think it's important to remember that if your little needs space, it's not because she doesn't love you and it's not because you're not good enough. It's because she's a human being and sometimes people just need some alone time. :heart:

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