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Distancers and Pursuers


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Hi everyone! I was just wondering if anyone has any advice on the distancer-pursuer dynamic. It is one that I absolutely hate in relationships, and it always makes me feel like one has to resort to game playing to deal with it. Just acknowledging how you're feeling to the other person doesn't always result in a dynamics shift or good communication. I can often end up the pursuer (especially with men) and I am so tired of this dynamic. I would like a DDLG relationship (or at the very least a more balanced relationship) but so often have to carry so much responsibility in a relationship (especially emotionally). I am good at taking care of myself and being independent. In fact, my trust issues make it challenging for me to connect with others. So how do I find more reciprocity in my relationships when these issues tend to box me into a corner of being alone and struggling? (I would like to feel more submissive, receptive and open at times without shame, guilt and rejection).
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Hi SweetMarie.  Your post hits home but in reverse.  I'm the "distancer" in my relationships though it's quite unintentional.  I'm introverted and a little shy and can entertain myself for days; I often forget that everyone is not like this and make a conscious effort to engage more.  But a lot of my distancing behavior has to do with the fact that I like being by myself and I love people who don't make demands of my time or make me feel guilty or obligated.  To show my appreciation - I give them what I want myself.  My old Daddy used to say I was like a cat who brought his owner dead birds.  Anyway - the thing is that I don't distance myself if you give me adequate time alone (not necessarily physically alone).  Just the opposite - I want to be around you more and I become the pursuer, momentarily.  I think it works because it lends balance to relationships that are characteristically one sided in terms of the power dynamic.  


Maybe you have to wear both hats?  Feeling like you're constantly being pursued is the other side of the constantly feeling like you're pursuing coin.  Doms like the chase - it's part of the reason they're attracted to compliant submissives who make few demands of them.


I'm sorry I don't have better advice.  You shouldn't feel like you're playing games but maybe it would feel different if you thought of it as compromise? 

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In my experience, it takes a very specific kind of person to soothe a fear that deep. I have always been a pursuer, and that role conditioned me to measure my worth by how much my partner needed me. As a relationship would mature and my partner would need me less and less, I would become extremely unhappy and become distant myself and then we all know what happens after that.


Daddy seems to have been a pursuer most of his life also, and it's created an incredible dynamic for us. We tend to treat our partners in the way that we want to be treated ourselves, so it would stand to reason that you would best appreciate the actions of a partner who interprets affection in a relatively similar way. Unfortunately, that can be difficult to figure out in the early part of a relationship. But I suggest LOTS of conversation outside the realm of kink or sex, and a lot of watching them interact with the other important people in their life. Pay very close attention to how that person speaks of their loved ones when they aren't around. Pay attention to how they treat the important people and things in YOUR life.


Dating around sucks and is hard. I'm sorry to hear you're having difficulties that sucks. Best of luck, SweetMarie! <3

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