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Trust issues


Osah
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So ever since i got with my ex, few months jnto the relationship i started to notice she had a tendency to lie quite often, bout small things, and eventually extremely i portant things but always demanded my trust, which she did not get. My ex would lie about a bunch of things, like ehat shes doing or where she would be going. I found out that nearing the ending months, i had absolutely no trust in here and i find it really hard to truat anyone anymore. A single small tiny lie breaks all my trust and i dont end up trusting that person again and i was wondering if theres a way i could try to fix this problem, cause its a really bad problem with me right now Edited by Guest
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Time and time heals all wounds. 

As I am finding out myself.

The best you can do is try to forgive and forget her, put her memory to peace. Or moving on will never happen.

I don't recommend rushing into a new relationship or you will just have a head and heart full of doubt.

I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to distrust someone who lies to you but you have to try to look at it objectively.

If it was a lie for the sake of lying and it happens often, don't trust them. Pathological liars will rarely ever change. 

If it was a "little white lie", a first time lie, or maybe a lie to protect you or another, I think that can be forgiven. 

I am sorry man, I know how hard it is to patch up the wounds left from an ex.

Just try your very best. and ALWAYS ALWAYS go with your gut

Don't let her ruin any chances of making new friends or lovers. Or really she wins in the end.

I am here for ya man  :heart:

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Osah, I've always had the policy of "I trust people until they give me a reason not to". You always, always need to follow your heart. In my experience, your heart will never lie to you. Trust is a serious thing, and I understand how betrayal feels, and that is a difficult thing to heal from. But you will heal, I promise you that. You need to take time for yourself to heal first and foremost. In time, I believe that this will make you a stronger person. 

 

P.S. I miss you in chat!

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It's sad to hear that Osah. I would say take your time and do good thing for you. Let your soul heal and don't rush into a new relationship. Do you always wanted to do something but didn't? Do it! Do a lot of things that are good for you and remember we are here for you. Talk to us when you need it. :)

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Guest cookie_crumble_princess

I like Jen's answer and Dave's. I think you should start off by doing just what you did. Let people know you have trust issues. I don't think little white lies are okay, simply based on the fact I don't understand why you would need to tell one.  Lies by omission are mostly a no no for me unless the person has a valid reason. However, those done to protect another person or you would be acceptable within limits. If you find a person does lie, remain calm and find out why. Do not immediately discredit them and keep an open mind.  

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I'm going to play devil's advocate here.

 

I think lies can be a good thing. For example, say I was working with a man in his late sixties, whose wife gambled away all of their money. (So far this is true.) Then, say a large amount of money goes missing, and I'm pretty sure he dropped the money by accident. I think it would be better for me to say that I dropped the money, thus saving him from getting fired -- it's much easier for me to find a new job at 30 than it would be for him at almost 70, and he needs the job more than I do.

 

Here in the States, we often tell children a story to discourage them from lying. The story is about George Washington, our first president, who cut down his father's cherry tree when he was a child, and then admitted what he had done rather than lie to his father. The story was made up by Washington's biographer, several years after Washington had died. And I think that says something that the very story we tell to keep children from lying is itself a lie.

 

The problem with lies is when people tell lies to benefit themselves. I agree that that kind of lying is wrong. But I don't think that lying as a whole is wrong. I quite enjoy fiction, and Santa Claus, both of which are lies. I play poker (friendly games only -- I don't do high stakes or anything) which is no fun if everyone's being honest.

 

I don't require my lover to be completely honest with me.

Edited by sushishui
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The point of this, isnt why its good or bad, i just ideas on how to fix it, or take a step towards fixing it, cause it does get annoying but it also ruins alot of things for me and i just wanna try to make it so its not as bad and i can give trust more easily than i can now because ita very, very, very... Hard to gain my trust, and i would like to be able to trust more people and a bit easier, so gimmy ideas on how to fix my trust issue, and no more good/bad of lies and shit xD
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I think confidence and self-esteem is a big part of it. When you know your girlfriend will never d anyone better than you, you don't worry about what she's doing when you're not around. So look into building up your confidence and self-esteem. Exercise and art are always good places to start.
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