Daddy lied and it hurts... advice please

[curlyheadspace]

Hi

I found out that my Daddy lied to me. It's very stupid thing but it hurt so much. He said that we have to be COMPLETELY HONEST with each other, so that's why burning tears are falling down my face now... I wanted to know with whom my Daddy dated for past two years. He said this relationship ended in January but according to her facebook profile they've living together to at least April, although he was liking and/or reacting to her posts to May. Yeah, I asked him two times about his past relationship, before I found out about this, and every time he said they broke up in January. And I have some suspicions that maybe he lived with her even when we started dating! When I was in his apartment for the first time about two weeks ago I noticed some products for women (epilation cream, YSL perfumes...) and she wrote on the 2nd of August that she leaves the city in which my Daddy lives and where she, according to her posts, used to live only with my Daddy and for my Daddy. Not to mention that she dressed up just like my Daddy told me he'll dress me up and that she was called "babygirl" like me. She was his babygirl but it's like a knife right to my heart to know how much in common have had they and how not-alike are we. Two freaking years and they were engaged. I am so afraid that for my Daddy his past is not really in past. That he still has feelings for her. I had that weird feeling for sometime that I am only a fine substitute, something different to try and that there's still someone in his heart that isn't me. That's why I started this painful "investigation".

I really don't want to talk to him right now. I feel betrayed, hurt and in pieces actually. I think my trust to him is a little much broken.

What do you think about it? I need some reassurance that everything is all right and maybe I'm overreacting or I don't know... just say something. Share your opinion. How would you react? How should I normally feel in this kind of situation?

Help, please help or I'll go crazy...

I won't be able to sleep tonight for sure.

[Guest greenhoney]

You need to talk to him. Communication is key to keeping a relationship going, and feeling better. Talk it, get his side of things. Personally, I'd feel the exact same way you are, considering I take honesty very seriously. The only way to get passed this, or at least to mend the situation some, is to talk to him. There's no way around that. 

 

I hope you feel better~

[dacgn]

Hi Curly,

 

I am so sorry to hear you're feeling like this I really am. I can only imagine that this is a very difficult time for you. I can't give advice on your situation as talking to your SO is the only way forward but I hope you both resolve this soon.

[AliciaCrunk]

Honestly and this is probably not what you want to hear... But sometimes our intuitions are spot on. And i had a similar situation and i ignored it and thought i was crazy and they made me feel like i was crazy only for me to beat myself and then later find out i was right. Just make sure you put yourself first okay?

[Guest infinitecases]

I'm really sorry this happened to you Best thing to do now is to really find out what happened between the two of them and if he has any residual feelings for her, that he needs to sort things out there before he can be with you. You're not overreacting at all!! I'd feel the same way, no one likes being lied to especially when it comes to something so important. I hope you can work things out with him or atleast find out why he did what he did. 

[Guest Fros†beard]

I wish I could just say "it's probably nothing" and leave it at that. But that sounds mega sketchy, you need to muster your strength and confront him.
I mean, why would he lie about when they broke up unless he's hiding something? You need to put your foot down and make it crystal clear to him that this isn't alright.

[Antoinette]

Women's intuition is a helluva thing - don't ignore it. If you can find it within yourself then I suggest you confront him about it - tell him how you feel. You don't deserve to be second best - you just don't, and don't allow him to treat you like that. You deserve what you give him - complete honesty. If he doesn't give you that then he doesn't get you. As for having emotions for someone else, if he still does then you need to confront him. Tell him how he either has to get over them himself, on his own, or decide what he really wants. He can't just have you as a rebound, or as someone to pass the time with for now - it's all or nothing (or that's how it seems you want it, at least). 

 

He's been completely unfair to you, so it seems. I suggest you confront him, stand your ground. Be fierce, if you can't manage fierce be calm. Tell yourself that you are a strong, independent individual and you will not be second best to anybody. You deserve better.

[curlyheadspace]

It's not that easy to talk to him. I tried, but he said something like "Then dump me, I'll probably hurt myself but if you don't believe me then you don't have to be with me". And I started to feel guilty so I cut off the topic. He said he thought I was going to break up with him and that bringing out his past hurt him. The woman hurt him really bad, he said what she did but it still doesn't explain why she was sending pictures from his apartment three months after she allegedly moved out after their break up. And why he was reacting to her posts. I can't talk to him about it because it hurts him. I have already apologised him about 20 times. He couldn't sleep at night because of me and I scared the hell out of him when he thought I was going to leave him.

Shouldn't it be that when past is in the past then you can talk about it and don't react so emotionally to it?

Should I squeeze the informations out of him either way?

[Guest Fros†beard]

"Then dump me, I'll probably hurt myself but if you don't believe me then you don't have to be with me"

You should seriously consider leaving. That is abuse and should not be tolerated.

[curlyheadspace]

You should seriously consider leaving. That is abuse and should not be tolerated.

I don't want to leave him. I fell in love so bad and I don't want anyone else. He says often that he wouldn't be able to survive our break up ajd that's what I feel too. I know that his words sound like he might be manipulating me by playing with my "good heart". I don't want to believe it's true. He's really sensitive guy who needs to love and be loved. We complete each other. He says that he'll marry me eventually and that I am everything he ever looked for in women. It's hard...

[Guest Fros†beard]

I don't want to leave him. I fell in love so bad and I don't want anyone else. He says often that he wouldn't be able to survive our break up ajd that's what I feel too. I know that his words sound like he might be manipulating me by playing with my "good heart". I don't want to believe it's true. He's really sensitive guy who needs to love and be loved. We complete each other. He says that he'll marry me eventually and that I am everything he ever looked for in women. It's hard...

Yes, well, my sister's ex was a "sensitive guy" as well.

It went from the occasional sudden outburst of rage to constant manipulation & control. He decided what she could eat, what she did with her spare time, who she was allowed to see... and guess what? He threatened suicide every time my sister showed any signs of breaking his hold.

 

Don't let yourself be trapped. That's all I'm saying. It can leave severe, lasting trauma.

[Antoinette]

I don't want to leave him. I fell in love so bad and I don't want anyone else. He says often that he wouldn't be able to survive our break up ajd that's what I feel too. I know that his words sound like he might be manipulating me by playing with my "good heart". I don't want to believe it's true. He's really sensitive guy who needs to love and be loved. We complete each other. He says that he'll marry me eventually and that I am everything he ever looked for in women. It's hard...

 

 "Then dump me, I'll probably hurt myself but if you don't believe me then you don't have to be with me". And I started to feel guilty so I cut off the topic. He said he thought I was going to break up with him and that bringing out his past hurt him. 

 

 

He is manipulating you. He's taking your emotions for granted and he playing on your weaknesses, he's not doing it because he's a 'sensitive guy', he's doing it because he's manipulative. 

 

Let me pose you a question, and really think about it - if he wanted to marry you, if he wanted a solid, secure future with you, if he really, truly believed he could commit to marriage then why can't he answer a few questions you have about an ex? If he wanted to go as far as to marry you, why is that wound so open and fresh? How do you think a marriage will be successful if he can't even communicate effectively with you.

 

He deserves to be scared, he really does. I don't understand why you're apologising - yet again, signs of manipulation, of abuse. You have done nothing wrong. You asked questions that you had every right to ask, regardless of whether or not it hurts his feelings you had queries over whether or not he's faithful, if he's honest and his reaction and the way he's handling the situation, doesn't look good for him. 

 

If he can't get over his past enough to have a conversation about it with you, then what makes you think he's going to be able to talk to you about other serious issues? I'm sorry to say this but it's so, so, so clear that he's stringing you along, he's manipulating you - and yes it may well be due to the pain from his last relationship but I can tell you one thing for certain, you will not have a healthy, happy relationship with somebody when they yearn for the love of somebody else, when they can't even explain inconsistencies with their stories, when they don't even make an effort to see things from your point of view. 

 

 

 I know that his words sound like he might be manipulating me by playing with my "good heart". I don't want to believe it's true. 

 

Something you said here stuck out to me, you said you don't want to believe it's true. That, and excuse me and my stupid English language analysis if this is incorrect but, it somewhat infers that you do believe that to be the case, yet you're not allowing yourself to take that information in and digest it, to come to terms with it, even though deep down there is doubt. You know how he's treating you isn't right, please don't allow yourself to be treated like this. I've said it before and I'll say it again -

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

The situation you are describing is called Emotional Abuse.  What I would do is google the term "emotional abuse" and see how many other red flags are present in my situation.

 

Spooky posted a topic in the Resources section entitled Is My Relationship Abusive?  From the post:

 

Manipulation Tactics:

• Threatening self harm. This is a popular trend in all forms of relationships, it a powerful and usually successful. Using a threat of self harm is not okay. It is abuse and it is a tactic for controlling someone. You should be able to talk to your partner if you are feeling upset, hurt or depressed but bringing it up as a way to keep someone around is NOT okay.

“If you do x I am going to do x to myself”

“If you ever leave me I am going to x”

[Alice18]

i'm so so sorry you feel this way.

however, i'm seeing signs of manipulation and emotional abuse with how he's threatened you by hurting himself when you leave and avoiding your questions.

if he's really sincere about you, he should be able to sit down and talk to you. give you some form of reassurance.

i understand that everyone has burdens and secrets, even long time couples. but that doesn't excuse him from manipulating your feelings!!

 

this may sound harsh, but seeing that you're already somewhat defending him, it seems to me that you know in yourself what the real situation is but just in denial because you don't want to break your relationship. girl, you should listen to yourself. women's instincts are freakingly sharp! 

 

*hugs*

i hope you can resolve this soon. we're here if you need people to talk to.

please (and i know it's hard) but try not to overthink any more and get some sleep.

drink lots of water and eat your meals properly.

*more hugs*

[Guest SUeB]

We usually have strong instincts for very good reason. This certainly sounds extremely suspicious and a big red flag to me.