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Surprised to be here; would love your thoughts/suggestions

Guest Mmesasha

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Guest Mmesasha

I’m somewhat surprised to find myself here. By design, I’ve played as a top for many years in the BDSM community. However, recently… 

  • “Daddy" slipped out when I was really turned on, talking to someone. 
  • My bdsmtest results showed Girl as top result.
  • I thought I’d hate being called a good girl, but I melted when it happened.
  • Being called Daddy’s little slut got me unbelievably hot. 
  • The thought of being guided/protected/cherished almost makes me get really emotional. Ugh!
What the heck? 
Lately, I’ve been opening doors I’ve never opened before. I opened this door a crack, but almost would rather shut the door again. I feel like I found a craving I didn’t know I had. And it’s been there for a long time, buried. 
I don’t identify with age regression, personally (no judgment). Although I did replace my sheets from marriage with unicorn sheets when I became single again, before I started thinking about any of this. :-O 
But at the same time, I crave a Daddy to envelope me and give me a break sometimes. It’s more in my heart and mind. I would say I do have a child-like sense of wonder and joy and curiosity and playfulness and a desire for guidance and approval and caring and security and dirty hot sex ;-).
Age is largely irrelevant to me. (I’m 49 and have tended to play with people in the 35-45 range, though I’ve gone higher and lower on occasion.) I do know age is not an indicator of dominance (or submission). I do joke with people that I’m perpetually about 27 in my head. How does not being an age player work with Daddy Doms?
I guess I’m questioning: Am I experiencing more a desire for D/s, as I’d originally assumed when I started craving submission (which is something I did not allow myself for years)? Or is it really craving a Daddy Dom, specifically?
Past history/experience led me to declare myself utterly self sufficient. I have been hurt. Trust is hard. I deal with anxiety/stress. I care for everyone else (divorced parent). I am responsible for everything. I have a high pressure professional job. I am learning to prioritize self care, but still not great at it. I have been learning to accept help over the past couple of years, but it’s not easy for me.
I really want to experience what it’s like to have that firm guiding nurturing experience. To be able to let my guard down. To not have to be the strong one in control. I crave on the sexual side to be a primal daddy’s slut and yet melt to hear good girl and little one. On the other side, I want that give and take of taking care of Daddy and being taken care of. 
I guess that leads to another question: My first “goal" is to just experience the DDlg dynamic as part of a stand-alone NSA in person session to see if this is something I really want. To have a taste of it. Is that even possible? It’s harder for me to imagine it as a single “scene", but I’m not looking to jump into an LTR having just gotten out of a long marriage by way of a tough divorce that’s taken years (decided to divorce in 2015, just final this year, didn’t date through separation on purpose so I could take time for myself and my kids). What might that single experience look like? The more I read, the more this seems like a deeper relationship-based dynamic, which is secretly appealing but scary. 
As you see, I’m a bit jumbled up. It's like I have created the image of myself as Klimt's Pallas Athena but I really want Klimt's The Kiss and I don't know how to get from point A to point B. 
Any thoughts? Places to start? Things to think about? Words of wisdom? How do I know I’m in the right place, that this is for me? Or not?
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You are exactly where I was at when I turned 20. I knew I have been kinky since prior to being 18 (BUT I NEVER ACTED ON IT). I knew I would always need not only a dominant man, a strong man but a man with high mental fortitude. I also knew I didn't need a fucking man, thank you very much. So my partners were few but full of insight and experience. 


After my last vanilla relationship at 19, I vowed never to hide a part of myself ever again, I was so repressed. I hadn't even been allowed to express my bi side, even with a "Hey, isn't she hot? Look at her in that dress!" My ex would berate me and cuss me out. So I decided to get with a Dom a good time later. He was my first "Dom" (turns out he was a Fake and literally just wanted someone to take care of his dick and home and didn't actually care about the person.


But through that bullshit, he helped me. We were trying to find the right title. He prefered Master, I veto'd that immediately. He suggested Sir, but I had always worked in the customer service and/or food industry, so that word held as much weight for me as "Ma'am" did. So he dropped Daddy" and we tried it for all of the two remaining weeks we were together. He even went as far as saying "what is my pretty little sub going to get her Father on Father's day" I was confused, explained I would be getting my biological father a kick ass geek thing because thats how we connect. He got pissed. "What about your Daddy or do I mean so little."


That was it, that was his strike 2. But it got me thinking. We broke up, I went on my normal mental rant "Why the fuck do I allow men to do this to me? I knew we weren't going to work, why, why why." And I went through the whole "Who the fuck do you think you are, calling yourself Daddy. Who the FUCK does that?!!!!"


But one night, probably a good 5-6 months after the break up, and during an insomnia induced phone-distraction... I looked up "calling your Dom 'Daddy' "... and I still remember the first photo I saw (because the images popped up a few examples before the lists of sites on google):


Screenshot 2018 09 25 At 1.55.13 PM

and all of a sudden, it was is if a dam broke. I flipped through those images so quick, I didn't realize how long I was doing it. And from then my research grew and I realized.... a Daddy is what I have needed all along. A Daddy DOM who isn't afraid to bruise his little girl, tie me up, put me in a cage, etc. But also a Daddy to hold her, comfort me, protect me only as a Daddy could.
But then I started searching for my Daddy. And realized the Daddies I had met... grossed me out. Like literally. They were submissive, they were suspiciously into Age Play (I do regress and LOVE age play... but...) and so on. So I looked at this side of me and cringed. Where was my Alpha sub who chewed up men and spit them out on my way to my true Dom? Where the badass who has apprehended criminals, taken combat training with men all a foot taller and yet still successful? Who the FUCK was this sniveling little girl who wanted to cry when the first Daddy she trusted, and slowly started opening up to, just up and told her she wasn't good enough? Who was this weak thing? Why wasn't I the one smirking in the end, knowing that this wolf of a woman can't be hurt by spineless men who only wanted sex?
I was so fucking torn I almost gave up on having partner altogether. I didn't want to be that vulnerable again. I was exhausted just from looking for my compatible Dom, and the thought of looking for a Daddy Dom seemed nigh impossible. So... I tabled that entire essence of me for a few months. And during that time I did a lot of self-reflection. 
What I learned was that.... I was perfectly me. I was a powerful Little who craved the love, care and intimacy of a Daddy. Yet who had a violent primal side that wanted to awaken the beast in her partner on a CNC level. And you know what, there is nothing wrong with that. Those sides are what make me, Me. And I chose to love every bit of my identity. I chose to add Daddy to my long, long list of requirements for a partner. And I decided to be my ball-buster, yet fun loving self until a man proved himself worthy. Just so I could prove myself for him right back. 
I learned to live with and love all sides of myself. And because of this, I allowed myself to be open to anything else I might have a magnetic pull to. I found out... fuck.... I am also a puppy. I love being completely void of verbalization, I love just laying next to Daddy while he pets me and strokes my hair. I love wearing my tail and feeling like the biggest thing I have to think about is "attention?" I learned that being one thing, doesn't mean I can't be totally enthralled with another side. 
I learned I am a mass of complex interests, loves, hates and turn-offs. But most importantly, now, at this moment, I can say that I have learned being myself reaps the best rewards. Daddy is in the other room, watching a show I introduced to him. Next month, we celebrate out 2 year anniversary. We overcame a 9134 mile LDR that lasted 15 months and I can honestly say, no one understands me more than he does. And he adores my little, loves coddling her and cherishing. Just as much as he loves to violate my primal and abuse my sub. We have created a relationship that caters to all sides of us.
I honestly thank myself for understanding every need I have is vital and important. And that I shouldn't ever hide from (or slam that door on) a part of me, just because it isn't familiar. If I had, I never would have met my perfect fit and be here today.


If you need someone to chat with, have questions or need to vent, I am here. I truly am that Alpha sub (https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/35078-dear-daddy-i-am-an-alpha/ - SFW) yet it still confuses me on how I instantly change to the wide-eyed little girl who wants Daddy's affection the moment he calls me "Little one." I understand that struggle. And I hope you find a good resolve with it :heart:

Edited by Little Illy
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Well I want to mention that being an ageplayer and age regressor are not the same thing. Ageplay is a kink when a person purposefully pretends/role play being a different age (usually younger) and tend to like hearing words such as Daddy during sex. Age regression on the other hand is not a kink, and those ppl do not choose to regress to a mental state of a younger age, it just happens. Age regression is usually a coping mechanism that was previously caused due to trauma (tho I don't think it's exclusive to that). With all of this in mind, a Daddy may like someone who age regress and Ageplay. They may like someone who only Ageplay. They might not like either situation and only enjoy the natural child-like aura of their little's personality. Ageplay is not required and there is many ways for Ageplay to be done. Not everyone does it the same way or to the same degree. It's hard to say if u truly desire a nurturing Dom or a DaddyDom in particular. That's something u will have to explore and figure out to get the real answer to imo. u are generally right in ur assumption tho, that DD/lg to most ppl is not something that can be easily tested out in 1 session. Ageplay on the other hand can definitely be tested out in a session. Maybe someone can pretend to be ur Daddy, allow u to call them that title, and maybe they can take control of things that might make u feel small/little for a night. They could tell u when to eat, bathe, when to go to bed etc. If it's strictly sexual for u then maybe they can simply refer to themselves as Daddy and provide scenarios for u to be Daddy's slut like u desire and prove how u can be a good girl. DD/lg thrives heavily on the trust and care that is built which makes it difficult to replicate for a night or with someone not so serious, but there is a few things that could give u a taste...just not sure how genuine it would feel. For something similar, but less committed, I would suggest getting a platonic caregiver or a caregiver with sexual benefits.
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What might that single experience look like? The more I read, the more this seems like a deeper relationship-based dynamic, which is secretly appealing but scary. 



*Waves* Hello again, I missed over this when I first read your post. I actually wrote up a thread that deals directly with this. For a lot of people, this dynamic is a lifestyle. I am one of them. However, for a LOT of people, this is just a kink - bedroom stuff. And that is perfectly valid as well! I go into detail on how certain things may happen to those who lifestyle it to those who just have a kink. It may provide some clarification :)


https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/12897-ddlg-the-serious-end-of-things/ (SFW) 

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