I've been wondering for a while now if my friend actually knows that I'm little, and I regress around her because of how she treats me. It's making me catch feelings for her, and I don't know if this is unhealthy or not. Any advice or perspective y'all can give me is greatly appreciated.
I'll start with how I met my friend. We'll call her "Sarah".
Sarah and I met through mutual friends at the beginning of the year. Her and I are both trans females (and bisexual), so we've always had something very intimate to connect with. As soon as I met her, I knew we were going to have a lot to learn from each other and I wanted to get to know her as much I could. After we had been introduced at a party, she messaged me one day on social media inviting me out to a bar, which I had only recently been allowed to go.
Sarah is considerably older than me, almost a decade older, but I've always had peers that were a lot older than me. I've always been more comfortable around people older than me, mostly because it usually starts a dynamic where my friends dote on me for being the 'baby' of the group . So I've always been thought of by friends as being attractive because of my youth. Something to take into consideration.
The first couple of times that I hung out with her outside of a social setting, I took my ex-boyfriend and deadbeat daddy with me. I want to say that I asked him to be there for protection and to introduce him to Sarah, but I think now it was mostly out of co-dependence. Her and I were able to connect and get along incredibly well, and I was immediately excited to make best friends with her. It wasn't long after that her and I made a date to go to an LGBT-related seminar together, and the rest was history.
As my relationship with my ex deteriorated, Sarah was there for me no matter what I needed. I talked to her once about how my ex said that he accepted the idea of me calling him "daddy", but that I didn't use that term with him because I feel like he didn't have enough respect for me. That was the most direct conversation we've ever had in reference to my little side. But Sarah's super into learning about kinks and relationship dynamics, so it wouldn't surprise me that she knows everything there is to know about what ddlg and littlespace is.
Even though it hasn't been plainly stated between us that I'm little, anyone with background knowledge of littlespace probably wouldn't have a hard time guessing correctly. All I ever wear is dresses and flats with giant bows in my hair. I use baby words in conversation (ironically) like tummy, baba wawa (bottled water), bidoos (spiders),and things like that. I'm constantly cranky and sleepy; when I start sighing and rubbing my eyes, she understands at this point that I'm very tired.
A while ago now, she's started lovingly referring to me as a 'dumb baby'. Any time I'm clumsy or frustrated, or have a hard time with strength (I'm a very weak person), she always says not to worry about it because "you're just a dumb baby". Naturally, this has my little side going crazy all the time. I'm starting to have a tough time keeping myself from slipping into total littlespace when I'm around her. But lately she's become even more dominant in our relationship. I'm unemployed right now, so I begrudgingly submit to her paying for my things most of the time. I try to tell her that I would like to be able to pay for my food or gas whenever we go on trips and she told me that "babies shouldn't have to worry about things like that" and that "she'll take care of it".
So it's pretty safe to say at this point that she knows, right???
All of this has me feeling very confused about my feelings for Sarah and our relationship. She's been my best friend for a while now, and it's obvious that her and I love each other very much. We've danced around the subject of us exploring romantic feelings with each other for a while, but I've never thought that it's gotten in the way of having a good time spending together and enjoying her company.
Another big thing is that I don't yet find myself very much sexually attracted to Sarah. I've never been with another trans person before; anybody I've been together with has either been a straight man or a gay woman. But, it's always been the case in my past relationships that my sexual attraction grows as I fall more in love with the person. I don't doubt that that could be the case if Sarah and I entered a romantic relationship, and I trust that she'll have an incredible amount of patience with me in that area. That said, I don't want to lower her self-esteem by not being immediately sexually attracted to her. I think that Sarah deserves to have that validation, and I don't want to rob that from her.
I'm bisexual, and I'm little. I've had a mommy, and I've had a daddy. The relationship between a little is, in my experience, incredibly different with mommies than it is with daddies. And it may be that I'm mourning the fact that I was never able to introduce a healthy daddy relationship with my ex, but I had assumed that the next person I was going to be in a little relationship with, was a daddy. I don't want to make Sarah insecure if I don't fall into a little relationship as easily with her as a mommy than I would a daddy right now.
I care about Sarah right now more than anybody. I love her to death. We have a mutual understanding that we have, to some degree, requited romantic feelings but we've never talked about it. I'm like 75% sure she knows that I'm little and is regressing me intentionally. I wish that I was secure enough to be able to have an up-front discussion about all of this with her right now... but I'm not. I don't want Sarah and I to develop a unhealthy relationship dynamic or ideals if we're going to be together, and it's that reason that I'm so nervous to talk to her about this. I can't be in a co-dependent, apathetic, obligated relationship again. Especially not Sarah. I love her too much for that. I want her too much for that. And now I don't know what to do.
But maybe you do!
Thank you for listening. I know this is an awfully complicated situation, but I think it's pretty obvious that I would appreciate any and all advice or comments you may have. Thank you being such a great community; I don't know what I would do about this if not for the help y'all give me.
tl;dr Sarah and I are best friends, both bisexual and trans. I believe that Sarah knows I'm little and she is regressing me, intentional or not. Because of this, I think that I'm falling for her. I'm scared to tell her that I like her, and I'm scared to ask her if she knows that I'm little. I'm afraid that we'll have an unhealthy relationship. I don't know what to do about it.